Monday, August 10, 2009

I love my boy!!!

Whenever my son, who is almost 23 starts to not answer his phone or text me back I KNOW in my heart that things are bothering him. Yesterday at 4:00 I was trying to get him to turn around from where he was going and come back to town so we could talk - I just knew something wasn't right. And today, he stopped by the house, we went to get a bite to eat and he told me he cried the rest of the way on his trip yesterday. He hasn't done that in a long time.

I think he's fallen in love with a girl who feels the same way about him - but she shows her love in a different way because she's been hurt deeply in the past. Hey - this mama knows about that stuff. I lived thru it with his dad. So we had a discussion about that and I think he got some perspective.

What else is wrong buddy? He's worried about me. Now that will break any mom's heart. It's supposed to be the other way around you know? I am working so hard on trying to break this depression I am in. I am afraid every single day that my cancer will rear it's ugly head at the most inopportune time - and unfortunately, he knows that. We have been a team of 2 since he was 3 months old and there is nobody in this world that I love more. We don't keep secrets - that's a rule - but when he starts to pull away I know it's because he doesn't want ME to worry about him because I've got enough going on. NEVER too much when it comes to my boy though.

I so remember being his age (I had him at 22) and all the drama and changes and confusion you go through in your 20's. I tried to tell him for many years that if you think your teens are bad wait til your 20's. It's hard being an adult. Heck, I wish I wasn't one a lot - I'd love for someone else to just take care of it for me - yet I'm too damn independent to let someone else in to help.

I had my blood drawn today to see if my CA 125 has increased since June - should find out tomorrow or Wednesday. I despise waiting. I didn't get to work until noon today - am so tired all of the time, can't sleep, etc, etc, etc. Talked to the nurse who works for my med management nurse practitioner and then didn't hear back about what to do. She called me 3 times and then no answer? That is so weird.

And I only cried twice today - making progress? I hope so. I need to believe it'll all change when it's time.

Time for meds and bed - praying I can get some sleep.

Til later.

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like you've raised one great kid -- kudos!

    As for the results, THINK POSITIVE. Easier said than done, I know. While I'm a born cynic and a reforming pessimist, I truly believe that we sometimes draw the negative to us through our own dark thoughts.