Stepping Outside the Box

Did anyone catch Oprah yesterday and her Stepping Outside the Box program? I thought it was fascinating and it confirmed that I am doing the right thing by signing up for Brave Girl Camp next spring. Each of the women shown were around my age and all different backgrounds - yet they all lived with the same problems basically. In their 40's, not feeling great about themselves and wanting to do something to gain back their self confidence and prove they are still worthwhile to themselves and those around them. I don't know if I could have jumped out of a plane or ran naked in to the ocean - but I can start by going by myself to Idaho and spending 4 days with women I don't know and embark on an amazing journey that I hope will leave me feeling joyful and alive.

Each day people step out of their comfort zone and try new things and yet for some, fear stops you. Why is that fear there now in later years when I can remember clearly being carefree and willing to do or try all sorts of new things way back when.

Having a child was part of it - I mean I couldn't even watch Patrick swing on the swings way up high like I loved to do as a kid - it freaked me out. What if he fell off, what if he jumped and got hurt? It drove me crazy. Did my mom feel that way? I actually don't remember her sitting and watching me swing on the swings. We were daredevils on the swingset - and even unhooked the swing from the hook one time while we had 2 of us on the swing - one standing, one sitting so we could go higher. Took quite a tumble - but got right back on.

It was the same with flying. Before Patrick I loved to fly and travel - after Patrick I worried all the time about what if.......the only thing that made it better was that if we were together then we'd go down together. That's not good is it?

So what do you do to step outside of the box? Any plans? Do you do it daily? I'd love to know.

Til next time.
Kris

Fear

Late this afternoon after dozing for an hour or so, I woke up and just sat and really listened to my thoughts and I realized why I wasn't feel well. FEAR. Again. Rearing it's ugly head in my life and blowing things out of proportion. Do you ever have this? Tomorrow is my therapy appointment and we are going to be discussing this massage therapy thing that we are trying so I can find where my grief is buried in my body and hopefully get it released. When I start talking of my grief I tend to start crying uncontrollably and then I stop it just like that. I can't let it go. I just can't. I'm afraid what will happen if I just let it all go - but I don't know why. And even though my side does hurt and I am wondering out loud if I can do the massage on Monday - my friend Patty said, of course you are going - I realize it is fear that makes me question if I can do it. What IF she really does find the grief spot and I can't quit crying? What if I become depressed again? It's all of the what if's that are killing me these past few months. I suppose that in 20 days I have my follow up appointment at the oncologist doesn't help either. What if my CA 125 is up? What if they find something? I'm not ready for another battle yet - I'm still trying to resolve the first round and almost lost my mind in the process. It's a horrible thing, this thing called fear. I hate it. And it makes me hate other things I normally enjoy - like work. like therapy. like book group. like going out with friends. like blogging. What will people think if they know I am afraid? Who cares what they think? What do I think? I think I'm whacked out of my mind some days and to be afraid all the time sucks. But I'm so much better and I deserve so much more then I let myself feel or accept.

The fear/grief/anger is sitting right there to be plucked out - and then what? Maybe what I'm really afraid of is living.