tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80035558860302562092024-02-20T04:40:08.864-08:00Soothing PainsSoothing Panes was what I called my little side business when I painted on old windows.......it now means something new as in "growing pains".Krishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-62236853139461330022009-11-10T15:40:00.000-08:002009-11-10T15:40:05.263-08:00Fort HoodWith tomorrow being Veteran's Day and today being the day of mourning for those killed and injured at Fort Hood I just wanted to express my deep sorrow at this. Every single time you turn on the TV something bad is happening - but when our own military and civilians that work on the base at Fort Hood, if you can't feel safe there then where are we to feel safe?<br />
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My brother served 8 years in the USAF and was a medic/firefighter. He saw first hand the side of war that many of us will never know. He keeps it all inside - where I believe it festers like an old wound that won't heal. I remember many times the talks we had after 9/11 and after he came back from either Kuwait or Iraq - I would threaten to call someone in the military and tell them that he needed help. He said they frown on that - you aren't supposed to need help. You are a soldier. It would make me so angry. Why would the military want someone who is suffering so to fight for our country. Who was going to fight for him?<br />
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He got married in 2008, left the military in July of 2008 and now has a wife and baby to look after. He is safe. But is he still part of the walking wounded? Yes, 100%. I see it in his writing, I see it when I see a photo of him holding yet another beer in his hand, I see it on his face that looks way older then the 29 years of age that his body had lived.<br />
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And now more people are suffering. People I do not know - but people I care about. I hope justice is served. I wish our men and women would come home - every last one of them and I wish there would never be another mass murder and I know my wishes, my prayers will not come true. They can't. This is the world in 2009. <br />
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Tomorrow I will thank the veterans I see, I'll contact my brother and see how he is and I'll remember those that are living over in Iraq and Afghanistan and pray they stay safe.<br />
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Til next time.<br />
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KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-59708200013984892472009-11-09T15:59:00.000-08:002009-11-09T15:59:04.614-08:00Brothers & SistersDo you watch Brothers & Sisters on Sunday nights? I LOVE THAT SHOW!!! Have loved it since the very first episode. But now, the character Kitty is sick with lymphoma and boy is it hitting home.<br />
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Last night they showed her pulling her hair out after her first chemo and I remembered.<br />
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I remembered sitting there in amazement that I could just run my hands through my hair and handfuls of hair would be there. And it didn't hurt. I think that surprised me most. <br />
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To take matters in to my own hands and make myself feel as if I had some sort of control during this battle I decided to shave my head before it got the best of me. It makes you feel so strong - there you go cancer you S.O.B. - take that!!!!<br />
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Of course last night I realized that I didn't actually do the dirty deed of shaving my head - my good friend Sheri and I sat out in my garage and shaved it off. She was horrified but didn't let me know until later. Said she cried the whole way home. I felt triumphant. Until last night.<br />
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I thought - what a horrible person I must be that I had somebody do that to me. I never once thought of Sheri's feelings - I just wanted to shave the d*mn hair off before it all fell out. Me, me, me. Cancer is all about the patient isn't it?<br />
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I'm so sorry.<br />
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I emailed Sheri today and apologized. We agree that watching our beloved Kitty is getting really hard - and the worst is yet to come.<br />
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I hate cancer.<br />
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KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-8460560266965510852009-11-08T16:03:00.000-08:002009-11-08T16:03:05.243-08:00GratitudeToday is Sunday and I've worked both days of the weekend so that I could make up some of my lost time from last week and being sick. I have much gratitude for my employer and the chance to do this instead of being in the hole money wise and worrying about what I will do to make up the difference.<br />
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I have a friend, who started calling me every day when I was going through my darkest days of depression, and now that I am feeling well and rejuvenated - she still picks up the phone every single day and calls. I have so much gratitude for my friend Ella-Keen Goldsmith. She shows me what unconditional love is each day.<br />
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I have two brothers who have FINALLY taken the step to join Facebook and I'm filled with gratitude that they want to be my friend. You'd have to know them to know why this is a gratitude moment. lol<br />
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Til next time...<br />
KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-91614204142104264692009-11-05T05:27:00.000-08:002009-11-05T05:27:05.987-08:00Stepping Outside the BoxDid anyone catch Oprah yesterday and her Stepping Outside the Box program? I thought it was fascinating and it confirmed that I am doing the right thing by signing up for Brave Girl Camp next spring. Each of the women shown were around my age and all different backgrounds - yet they all lived with the same problems basically. In their 40's, not feeling great about themselves and wanting to do something to gain back their self confidence and prove they are still worthwhile to themselves and those around them. I don't know if I could have jumped out of a plane or ran naked in to the ocean - but I can start by going by myself to Idaho and spending 4 days with women I don't know and embark on an amazing journey that I hope will leave me feeling joyful and alive.<br />
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Each day people step out of their comfort zone and try new things and yet for some, fear stops you. Why is that fear there now in later years when I can remember clearly being carefree and willing to do or try all sorts of new things way back when. <br />
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Having a child was part of it - I mean I couldn't even watch Patrick swing on the swings way up high like I loved to do as a kid - it freaked me out. What if he fell off, what if he jumped and got hurt? It drove me crazy. Did my mom feel that way? I actually don't remember her sitting and watching me swing on the swings. We were daredevils on the swingset - and even unhooked the swing from the hook one time while we had 2 of us on the swing - one standing, one sitting so we could go higher. Took quite a tumble - but got right back on. <br />
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It was the same with flying. Before Patrick I loved to fly and travel - after Patrick I worried all the time about what if.......the only thing that made it better was that if we were together then we'd go down together. That's not good is it?<br />
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So what do you do to step outside of the box? Any plans? Do you do it daily? I'd love to know.<br />
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Til next time.<br />
KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-61839426987352160882009-11-04T13:33:00.000-08:002009-11-04T13:33:16.255-08:00The Flu?Nope. Just a virus. Have been feeling horrible the past 3 days and can't seem to kick it. So in to the clinic I went today and she said let's test for H1N1 the "real" way. I didn't know there were different ways to test for the flu. Anywho...I had to go to the stupid hospital and have respiratory therapy do the test which involves saline up your nasal passages and the insertion of a small catheter that goes about 6 inches down and sucks out what they just inserted. And Voila - just like that I find out I DO NOT have the flu, just a plain old virus like I said. I should "rest it out".<br />
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Believe me I've slept so much lately it's crazy - I will be sitting here and the next thing I know it's two hours later. It doesn't interfere with my night sleep either which is the strangest part - I just sleep like a baby the whole night. Don't you hate it when you go to the doctor and they don't know what to call it so they tell you, you must have a virus. What kind??? is what I want to say. $30 copay for that? Oh well. I have my doctor's note like you used to have for school to get back in - I'm sure they'll let me work now also. I dislike the beginning of the month any way because it is so busy - and being sick doesn't help me one bit.<br />
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Thinking positive thoughts for tomorrow so I can work. Til then...<br />
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KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-74073836188065064982009-11-03T13:15:00.000-08:002009-11-03T13:15:53.737-08:00SistersToday my sister called seeming all happy and laid back causing me to let my guard down and instead was all in my face and confrontational. All because she wanted to know if I had talked to her soon to be ex-husband. My brother in law - who in my book will always be part of my family. What can I say? I love the guy and think she's doing the wrong thing. My opinion only. <br />
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My family is spread out a few hours from one another so we don't see each other very often - mostly holidays and once and a while more often. We got closer when I had cancer and that was a good thing because my sister and I had been pretty much estranged before that. Her choosing. Never knew what I had done to cause it or if it even had anything to do with me really. Now I'm the bad guy again because I'm not going to NOT say what I think if asked. Plus she used me as an excuse to meet her "boyfriend" on the weekend of my 2 year anniversary of surviving cancer - and was caught in the lie. Hurt does not begin to put in to words what I felt when I found out.<br />
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So today just caught me off guard and now I'm sitting here, not feeling well and angry again. I am supposed to be in control of how I react to these outbursts of hers but they just piss me off. I didn't cause this whole bad scene - she did. I'm not the bad guy. I didn't leave my husband. I didn't move my children out of a lovely home into an apartment that I've already been evicted from. I'm not talking to my brother in law about gossip - he calls me to see if I knew something because parents and children in Omaha talk - big town, but he still hears stuff. Life goes on.<br />
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I do love my family even when I don't agree with them - but don't lie to me and don't expect me to not speak up. I'm 45 years old and I'm not playing the games any more. <br />
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Til next time.<br />
KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-38563743747851249642009-11-02T11:52:00.000-08:002009-11-02T11:52:50.679-08:00WhyI made it through yesterday feeling pretty good until I got home and called my parents and started crying. It's stupid really - but I have this thing about people (meaning my family) not only sending a card for birthday's, but also calling the person to tell them happy birthday. It's a celebration of the day of your birth for God sake - why wouldn't you talk to your family then? Well my mother had started the past few years of sending a card but not calling. Every year we get in to it about the no phone call - and that's in regard to me! It hurts my feelings that I'm not important enough to pick up the phone for. So when it happened to Patrick yesterday - it totally pissed me off (meaning it hurt me)- so I got phone from spending the day with my beautiful son and called and let my mom have it. As soon as I spoke my mind I started to cry. <br />
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I've had issues with this for year and it started with Patrick's dad. I swear the man does not know the day of his son's birth. I feel as if he does it to ME each year when he doesn't call - but what about Patrick? We came out of the movie yesterday and he has all these messages from the many friends he has and not one from a family member, including his father. If it were me I'd call my dad and say listen here - just like I did to my mom - but he's not like that. First off he's a guy and you probably don't do that - but you can't tell me it doesn't sting.<br />
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So our day together was so nice. We left about 10:30 for Sioux Falls and the weather was already warm and dry and the sun was shining. We ate at a placed called Carnval Brazilian Grill and it was amazing. We both loved the food immensely and Patrick is more adventurous then I am so he tried many more meats then I did. He loved every thing. My favorite was the parmesan cheese encrusted chicken - oh it was yummy. The gaucho's walk around with these large hot skewers with meat on them and slice it right at your table - and then you get all the side dishes you want up at the buffet. Crazy amounts of food. So once we were stuffed sufficiently off we went to a movie and saw This Is It - the Michael Jackson movie. Patrick wasn't a big fan of his, but I grew up with the Jackson Five and Michael's music himself and I sat and just bobbed my head the whole time. We both enjoyed the movie a lot - really interesting to see what it takes to put a show of that magnitude together. And after seeing it, it made me realize how manipulated I was by the media for making me think that he was this weak, frail human being - nobody can rehearse like that and have that type of vision when they are like that. Made me want to go out and dance the night away.Next we stopped at the casino so Patrick could jump in the money booth - and he got $26 bucks. Not a lot, but more then he walked in with. And then home it was.<br />
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I just have to say that the reason I get so worked up about my son, even though he's 23, is that if not for him I don't know where I'd be today. When I was in the horrible marriage with his dad - I left for Patrick. Not myself. And everything I did from there on out was for this precious child of mine. He never gave me any trouble, always told me he loved me, was smart, is tall and handsome, plays guitar like a maestro and he just loves life and life loves him back. You never stop being the mom I know - but wow, it's hard. I hope that I am on this earth long enough to see him marry, if he chooses, and to see his children be born. Full circle - what a miracle that would be.<br />
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Til next time.<br />
KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-10783202781274311362009-10-31T17:28:00.000-07:002009-10-31T17:28:51.548-07:00ChangeHave you noticed that everyone is changing their blog look these days? Everyone I go to has something new - so I decided to join the band and change mine too. I'm a Gemini so I get bored easily - but I love the new look and bead board is right up my alley so it fits me perfectly. I promise I'll quit playing with it. Am sure it gets infuriating.<br />
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So here it is Halloween and I'm not feeling well. By the time I got home last night my poor body hurt so bad I could have cried. The winter and fibromyalgia do not mix and all of these weather fronts going through are killing me. If I don't have charlie horses then I have aches that just don't stop. I finally took enough Tylenol to calm things down last night, then slept well so I woke up feeling better, but by 2 my head was hurting, I was ready to take another nap and I realized I just feel crappy. So much stuff going around these days - as long as it's not H1N1 I'll be fine.<br />
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Tomorrow is my baby boy's 23rd birthday. Where did the time go? It's like de ja vu every single year because I recall everything that happened - the time, what happened, what was done, who was there - it's a little weird but I bet every mom goes through that. Now he's a man but he's still my boy. Hard to let go even when you know you must. We are going to try a place called Carnaval tomorrow in Sioux Falls - it's a Brazilian Bar and Grille restaurant that he's been wanting to try. Should be interesting to say the least. I may stick to the salad bar which is apparently an amazing 2 stories high and 16 feet long? Can that be true? <br />
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I'm waiting for the baseball game to start but it's raining cats and dogs out in Philly right now. It may be a rained out game after all. <br />
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back. <br />
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And Happy Halloween!<br />
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Til next time...<br />
KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-41779156626302568922009-10-26T15:14:00.000-07:002009-10-26T15:14:54.287-07:00MondayToday was a good day in every way except that I found out a great friend of mine from high school dad died over the weekend. Just hate thinking that this is the age where our parents start leaving us. Seems unreal.<br />
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But everything else was grand - it was 50 something, the sun stayed out THE WHOLE FLIPPIN' DAY for a change and I had a really good report at the oncologist's. Don't go back until March 3rd unless there are issues that arise before then. My CA 125 is 7.4 which is better then last time, my weight stayed steady, my BP was nice and low and she couldn't feel any tumors which is great. Felt really good today when I was leaving there. This compared to 4 months ago when I literally was so depressed that I cried the whole time I was there and most of the way home. The wonder of drugs!! I hate taking them truth be told - but if it can help me then I can't say no. At least not right now. <br />
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Not much else going on today - just feeling happy. And that's a good thing!<br />
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Til next time...<br />
KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-83501807014852393312009-10-25T14:02:00.001-07:002009-10-25T14:12:02.271-07:00HomeGoods - Wall Décor - Wall Hangings<a href=http://www.homegoods.com/wall-decor.asp>HomeGoods - Wall Décor - Wall Hangings</a><br />
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Posted using <a href="http://sharethis.com">ShareThis</a><br />
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I'm just trying something new out. Everyone talks about Homegoods on their decorating blogs so I decided to try and see what they have. And voila! This gorgeous mirror above is just calling my name. Now if I could figure out how to make the damn website work I'd be a happy camper. Hope this comes out.<br />
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krisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-28355764206655733222009-10-25T09:21:00.000-07:002009-10-25T09:21:02.441-07:00SundayI think the sun is peaking out which is a GREAT surprise because they are talking snow/rain mix today. Love it!<br />
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My leg is finally starting to feel better - had a bad chiropractic experience and trouble walking correctly since then. Finally have it to where the Ben-Gay is working and I'm walking much better - which makes such a difference. I take for granted my legs working properly - but after the past couple of weeks, including 24 hours of major leg cramps, I'll not do that any longer.<br />
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Major drama going on with my sister and it just boggles my mind. I realize she is 43 and the driver of her own life - but the girl is messed up. She told us at the end of July that she was leaving her husband. We all love him - but she has to live with him so we are going to be supportive. 2 days later she has moved out with the kids and taken them away from the only father they have known in 10 years. Next we find out she's been having an affair and has used my depression to "get away" to be with the guy and telling her husband that she is with me "helping me". Whatever!!!! Now she's been evicted from the new apartment, moving in with a friend who has a 13 year old daughter and will live there until when. So imagine my surprise when my brother in law called yesterday to ask if I knew that my sister is moving to Iowa at the end of the kids semester to be with the new boyfriend. BAD, BAD IDEA. Her kids are 13 and 16 - do you think they want to move from the only place they've known as home to live with some guy they don't know? I am having a really hard time with it - you worry so much about the kids and I know my sister is just in survival mode right now and doing things that don't make sense to anybody but her. It's crazy stuff - <br />
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I am off to my oncology appointment tomorrow afternoon - have been going every 4 months the past two appointments. My blood work is good - so I am hoping they say 6 months for the next time. I don't even feel nervous - don't have any questions that I can think of and am looking forward to hearing - doing well, see you in a few months. After that I plan to start really work on taking care of myself in a way I've not done for a couple of years now. I am ready to do it and with my leg finally feeling better it'll be a lot easier to plan my strategy instead of worrying about what machines I could or couldn't use, etc. Will blog about that later as I get geared up.<br />
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Meeting my son today for a movie and then will clean up around the house some more. Am trying to get ready for Halloween - so many things to think about and what kids can eat. I don't get a lot of trick or treaters because I live in the University side of town and the college kids aren't much for giving out candy - but all of my friends bring their kids over and I try to get what they like to eat and some of them have allergies. I've got a few days. lol<br />
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Til next time....<br />
KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-68440217023111090962009-10-22T17:02:00.000-07:002009-10-22T17:02:20.318-07:00Days.........are all smudging together lately. It has been so dreary outside, except for Sunday, that I can hardly stand it any more. Seasonal Affective Disorder anyone? ha!<br />
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I just read Farmgirl Paints blog about her days at Brave Girl Camp and all I can say is I cannot wait - I am overwhelmed just by reading her experience that I can hardly imagine that I will be able to experience it myself next spring. I am so excited!!!<br />
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I've been suffering from those horrible leg cramps again and it is exhausting. I was up so much last night that I didn't go in to work today. And the cramps were still going on throughout the day. That doesn't normally happen. I am going to stretch really well before bed tonight and see if that helps me at all - I can't take much more.<br />
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I went through a rough night the other night with my sister. She is in the process of getting divorced and has done some pretty amazingly stupid and selfish things the past couple of months. So out of the blue she calls and asks to borrow some money - this from me, the person who has no money! $2,000 yet. How do people find the gall to ask for money from somebody they have used and hurt so much? I don't know - I'd say she has a real set of balls. Sorry. It's just how I feel. At first I said I could give her some - but the more I thought about it the more I knew it would never be repaid and this money would be coming from my medial account - because there isn't a lot in my personal savings that could be shared. And I ended up calling her back and telling her no. Am I the most horrible person ever? I keep trying to tell myself that it's okay to put myself first and protect myself - but what if the truth is that I'm just a defiant sister who doesn't want to help her sister who has been such a witch to me after we worked so hard to put our relationship back together. Do I OWE her something? I want to call and see what she did and how she worked it out - and yet, part of me doesn't care.<br />
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Enough of that - yesterday was my cognitive testing at the neuropsychiatrist's. Quite interesting. I did more repeating, math problems, trying to put diagrams together with blocks (which I could NOT do no matter how I tried), etc - it was just so interesting. I left knowing there weren't any glaring deficiencies (my memory loss, confusion, blurry vision issues are why I was there)but she had to score the tests and norm them against other people my age. I feel as if I have Alzheimers some days and I'm tired of people telling me it's because I'm 45. <br />
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Well it's been days since I've been on my computer so I'm going to catch up on the blogs I follow and head to bed early. Pray for sun tomorrow!!! And thanks for listening.<br />
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Til next time.<br />
KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-78945685888668953592009-10-17T16:42:00.000-07:002009-10-17T16:42:48.438-07:00Days since the last blog!Where did 5 days go exactly? I couldn't tell you. The week went by fast because we had Monday off for the holiday, I feel like I've been gone every single day but couldn't tell you where I've been and now my weekend is almost half over and I don't know how it got to be so late already. Wow. I'm losing it. lol<br />
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Today the sun finally came peeking through the clouds at about 3:00 - the first time in over a good week or so. It has been cold, raining, snowing and just plain bleak out for so long. Oh what a little sun can do for your soul.<br />
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This week has been about catching up with my friends. Wednesday night Susan, Sandy and I went to Applebee's where we then sat for the next 4 hours talking the night away while our waitress went by and stalked our table. We do this every few months at different restaurant's and ALWAYS give the waitress a double tip (each of us) because we know we are hogging a booth. It was nice to sit and chat and get caught up on each others lives. I told them about Brave Girl Camp - I don't think they get it but I am still as excited now as I was the first time I saw it on FarmGirlPaints blog. This morning, Saturday, we had breakfast club - our group of 12 of us that gets together once a month so that we can keep up on our friendships. 8 of us showed which is a good group - we sit at breakfast until lunch usually starts - and every time it doesn't possibly seem like it's enough time to be together.<br />
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This afternoon I met Sheri for a late lunch/early dinner to celebrate her birthday that was 3 weeks ago. See what I mean? There's just never enough time for everyone or everything that needs to be done. <br />
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It is supposed to be 60 tomorrow and sunny. I've been invited out to my friend Patty's house for Sunday lunch - I'll bring Henry along so that he and Gracie Jean can chase one another around Patty's small acreage. Henry loves going out there!!!<br />
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Is this the most boring blog you've ever read today? I'm boring myself. ha<br />
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I'll write more tomorrow when I'm feeling more with it.<br />
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KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-26438061777884562612009-10-12T12:32:00.000-07:002009-10-12T12:32:20.268-07:00Where is Fall?It snowed again last night - second time already for us here in South Dakota. I am so hating it. It's dreary outside, little sun, wet white stuff hanging on everything, and the trees had just started to change. It's all I can do to keep myself cheerful and not fall back into a funk. Guess I'm glad to have medicine right now.<br />
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Just got back on Facebook - haven't been on since end of July - felt like it was the same thing over and over. I do like the fact that you can "chat" with those you wish too - but most people I have on the list asked to add me and now vice versa. God that sounds horrible! Anyway, today I found a bunch of people from my high school that I've been wondering where they are and they've appeared on Facebook now. All people that meant something to me so long ago. That's the cool part of the technology - but otherwise if someone is supposed to be in my life, they already are. Does that sound selfish?<br />
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Have decided I'm going to see if I can let my hair grow out for a while. After it came back in after chemotherapy - I didn't get curls or dark hair - mine came back in pure white and straighter then it was before if that's possible. Have been wearing it short for over 1 1/2 years now and I'm just ready for a change. If I can get past the growing out over the cowlicks I'll be pleased. <br />
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Today is a holiday for me so another day off. I sit here on the computer feeling GUILTY because I have so much to do for getting ready to host my book club next weekend and this weekend I haven't done a darn thing to even start. Why do I procrastinate so much? Always have. Does that mean I always will? God............I'd love to change that. I am, unfortunately, one of those people who if she gets something in her head - like decorating my living room or bedroom - I just do it and keep adding and layering and moving things around until it's perfect. But tell me something is happening in a week and I lolly gag around like I've got it all under control. It's an ugly habit for sure.<br />
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So back to work tomorrow for me - nice 4 day week, no Court as it's a holiday today so everything gets moved around, and I'll be able to play catch up this week which is perfect.<br />
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Til next time.<br />
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KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-48178446440669225312009-10-10T14:43:00.000-07:002009-10-10T14:47:39.656-07:00This D@mn HouseNV at thisdmnhouse.blogspot.com wrote a post about domestic violence yesterday that really hit home to me and I had to comment. <br />
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You see I lived that life - twice. Two entirely different men in all ways but one - they both were mean. One hit, one didn't. One used manipulation, one didn't. Both used words that cut to the bone though and I'm sure you've heard about the women who say that at least if you can "see" the bruises you might believe what is going on behind closed doors - but the words are the worst. They take your soul, your esteem, your truth away from you. It took me years before I was able to look in the mirror and say I like who I am. I'm okay. I'm worth fighting for.<br />
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My first husband I hardly knew - we married young and after 6 weeks. He had hit me before we got married - but because I grew up trying to please a father who never could be pleased - I was sure if I loved this man enough, he'd stop and be everything I knew he could be. But he didn't. He couldn't. He grew up in a very abusive home himself and couldn't not get it that even though he wasn't beating me to within an each of my life - he was beating my very being out of me with the slaps, the pinching, the tearing of clothes, the going through my mail, the demanding to know where I was at all times, to hating my friends, to not allowing me to read, to not having a phone, to going as so far as to ask me who the father was of our child when I found out I was pregnant. I KNEW what was going on in my house was wrong - but I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship until someone had the guts to contact our family pediatrician and tell him their suspicions. I knew how to lie really well by then you see. So when my beautiful boy was 3 months old we went to his normal appointment and the doctor straight asked me if I was being abused. I denied it. Then I bawled. Then I said he never goes near the baby. See? All that in a short period of time. I was so shocked to hear the word abused I just babbled and lied and cried and denied all at the same time. But I rode the train home that day thinking the whole time that there was someone out there who cared more about me then I cared about myself. I left two weeks later. That didn't break the cycle because I still loved him - but it did get me away from him and on my own back near my family. And yes, it took years and a lot of therapy to get myself together again. I didn't know where I had gone. I didn't trust. I couldn't forgive. I couldn't love anyone but my son. <br />
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10 years later when my second husband hurt our cat on it's first weekend in our home everything kind of came in to place at that one moment. I didn't wait - not one single moment. I packed a bag, explained to Patrick that mom was afraid and we were going to stay somewhere for a while and left him standing there like what the hell just happened. All the things that had been going on became clear when he hurt that animal. How was I to know I wouldn't be next? I did try with him though - I did. I was a different person, I went to counseling while in the relationship, I was strong, I spoke my mind - but in the end he called me a bitch in front of my child as we were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner in 1996 and that was the end of him. We lived as roommates until I could find an apartment to move to and we left. I never regretted it - this time I left with my dignity intact but full of anger that I let this happen again. <br />
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I'm not a dumb woman. People think I'm fairly intelligent - but still a lot of people don't know my background. Only those close enough to me that I feel I can share with them my story. I've not dated in many years. Can't make myself even try because I'm a bad picker of mates. But I am a wonderful friend, a great mother, a daughter who tries to do the right thing, a sibling who loves her brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews and I am free to do as I please. I've been able to purchase my own home by myself, raise a beautiful son on my own, I have an excellent credit rating and I pride myself that I am self-sufficient. It can be done. You just have to believe that you are worth it.<br />
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I believe you are worth it.<br />
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KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-81612931105758395962009-10-09T17:46:00.000-07:002009-10-09T17:46:52.845-07:00October 9thand they are talking snow for us tonight! Can you believe that? Supposedly our average high is 65 degrees and we've been lucky to get to the mid 40's lately - cold! Crappy snow! It's just plain depressing. I'm not ready for this.<br />
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Am feeling better today and accomplished a lot at work today. That makes me feel good. No big plans for the weekend as our trip to Omaha fell through. My friend Shawna is having a girls get together tomorrow night at the Barn - it's a hunting lodge that she and her husband made from their old barn and it is gorgeous with a capital G. The granite pieces in it, by themselves, are amazing. Should be fun. I'm thankful for a 3 day weekend as well - one benefit of working for the State. Fall and winter have a lot of holidays! Love that.<br />
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Henry keeps barking and I don't know what he's barking at. It's starting to irritate me. I haven't heard a thing of course. lol<br />
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Til next time.<br />
KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-18337293379403297862009-10-07T19:07:00.000-07:002009-10-07T19:07:30.446-07:00FearLate this afternoon after dozing for an hour or so, I woke up and just sat and really listened to my thoughts and I realized why I wasn't feel well. FEAR. Again. Rearing it's ugly head in my life and blowing things out of proportion. Do you ever have this? Tomorrow is my therapy appointment and we are going to be discussing this massage therapy thing that we are trying so I can find where my grief is buried in my body and hopefully get it released. When I start talking of my grief I tend to start crying uncontrollably and then I stop it just like that. I can't let it go. I just can't. I'm afraid what will happen if I just let it all go - but I don't know why. And even though my side does hurt and I am wondering out loud if I can do the massage on Monday - my friend Patty said, of course you are going - I realize it is fear that makes me question if I can do it. What IF she really does find the grief spot and I can't quit crying? What if I become depressed again? It's all of the what if's that are killing me these past few months. I suppose that in 20 days I have my follow up appointment at the oncologist doesn't help either. What if my CA 125 is up? What if they find something? I'm not ready for another battle yet - I'm still trying to resolve the first round and almost lost my mind in the process. It's a horrible thing, this thing called fear. I hate it. And it makes me hate other things I normally enjoy - like work. like therapy. like book group. like going out with friends. like blogging. What will people think if they know I am afraid? Who cares what they think? What do I think? I think I'm whacked out of my mind some days and to be afraid all the time sucks. But I'm so much better and I deserve so much more then I let myself feel or accept. <br />
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The fear/grief/anger is sitting right there to be plucked out - and then what? Maybe what I'm really afraid of is living.Krishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-90115104018958251512009-10-07T12:55:00.000-07:002009-10-07T12:55:46.506-07:00Let there be light!Today the sun is shining!!!!! Did you hear me? The SUN IS SHINING! It's been so long it's hard to remember the last time it was out for an extended period of time. Wow. I love it. <br />
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The bad thing is that I'm home sick - have been coughing like crazy, and just feel like crap. But I get to LOOK at the sun and that makes me feel better.<br />
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I had to go to the chiropractor again on Monday. After my massage and chiropractor appointment last week I found myself in a lot of pain on Sunday night for no apparent reason. Had a hard time sleeping Sunday night because my right hip was just aching. So I hauled my rear back in on Monday and he tells me my left knee has something called "movie knee" which of course has a long, medical name. Well I did go to two movies this weekend so maybe? My right hip - who knows why it feels out again. Actually, when I go to the chiro after not going for a long time it seems they fix something and then I realize something else hurts even worse. It's a conspiracy. Anyway, after working on my hip, he was feeling up my spine (NOT LIKE THAT)and decides something is out on the upper part of my back and I swear to god he did his thing and I came up off that table like I was on fire. The pain in my right breast/rib area was so intense I thought he may have cracked a rib. 2 days later I still can't lay on my stomach like I want to because it hurts - so not sure what to do about the massage coming up on Monday. Anyone ever have this happen? I haven't and I've been going to the chiropractor for 14 years on and off. <br />
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I had to break down and turn the furnace on Monday night because it's just too cold and it had been raining for days so you know how that makes you feel achy on top of everything else. So one day of perfect 65 degree weather and back down it's going. They are talking highs in the 30's this next week and low's in the 20 degree range. It's October not January.<br />
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Til next time.<br />
KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-9432438450901901822009-10-03T19:02:00.000-07:002009-10-03T19:02:08.065-07:00Another dreary dayWHERE IS THE SUN people? I haven't seen it all this week and it's getting me down. I need some sunshine - bright, yellow, burning sunshine - if even for an hour. I am going to pray that tomorrow is sunny - and if it is, I'm going to take Henry outside and for a walk and just bask in it.<br />
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Becky at Farm Girl Paints talked about going to Brave Girl Camp in her blog yesterday and she was kind enough to share what that is all about and barring no catastrophes I am going to start saving now and plan on going next spring/summer when they have the camp. It looks amazing, sounds amazing, and it will be a gift to myself for turning 46 and surviving the cancer for almost 3 years. I deserve it!!! I'm so excited.<br />
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We went to the craft show - my friend Patty calls them "crap shows" (I don't even know how I got a friend who doesn't like crafty stuff) - and it was fun. Sandy and I looked around, chatted with friends we saw then hooked with Marcene and we ate at the soup & sandwich luncheon. 2 meals - $9.00. How can you beat that??? It was wonderful. As I said, it's still raining, dark and miserable out here in SD and a warm bowl of homemade vegetable beef soup hit the spot. Then we had BBQ's as the sandwich and a choice of many homemade pieces of pie. Awesome lunch!!!<br />
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Then we went back to the Humane Society (left without another pet though - but they are all so cute!), and back to Sandy's where we played beauty shop. I know that is weird - but Sandy has worked hard to grow her hair out and she has a wedding next week and we are trying new styles out. It looked beautiful if I do say so myself. Now if I don't have to go to Omaha next weekend I just may go over and do her hair before the wedding. Her husband will be surprised I'm sure.<br />
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Once we were done playing my son and I went to see the movie The Informant with Matt Damon. What a hoot. I think it's supposed to be a dramedy - and I hope it was because for such serious material it was funny because the guy just didn't know when to quit lying. Or maybe he just COULDN'T quit. We loved it.<br />
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No plans for tomorrow right now - will wait to see what the day brings my way. <br />
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Til next time.<br />
KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-75025390211594701392009-10-02T16:31:00.000-07:002009-10-02T16:31:33.992-07:00Friday already....Well I figured out why I was not sleeping and feeling all out of whack again - it was because yesterday was my appointment for the massage therapy session that my therapist thought would be good for me to attend. I've never had a massage before - and this is to help me break through the grief I have pent up and can't seem to let out. I realized when I stepped in that room yesterday that I could have sat in the chair and just started bawling without even getting on the table, let alone having someone I didn't know massage me. That's weird right? Anyway..........I didn't cry because the girl talked INCESSANTLY the whole time about her animals and all of these horse terms that I didn't recognize or know about. But it was fine - it was exactly what I needed her to do - for the first time any way. It took my mind off what was going on and I was able to contain myself. That's not the point of this though - so next time I will be asking to be quiet so I can think of what I've lost and maybe get some kind of break through.<br />
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Thanks for Karen Anne for telling me what she does for the horrible cramps that I've been having again. I did drink about 30 ounces of water after I posted and that seemed to help a bit - but I was up during the night several times just crippled with pain. Yesterday I was fine - it just has no rhyme or reason - that is one of the frustrating things. I had a chem panel done not too long ago and my magnesium level is fine - as well as my potassium levels. I had this last year also and it's part of the fibromyalgia - which the massage therapist said she doesn't believe in (great) - but whatever it is, it hurts like hell.<br />
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Tomorrow my BFF Sandy and I are going to a couple of craft shows and then to a soup & salad luncheon. They swear the sun may shine tomorrow and be around 50 - I'll take it! <br />
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Hope you all have a great weekend - I hope too. Til next time.<br />
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KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-79142681831319737942009-09-30T19:11:00.000-07:002009-09-30T19:11:11.941-07:00Hump DayYou'd think I'd be really happy today and I'm not. I'm not sleeping well, my sleep is filled with weird vivid dreams that wake me shaken and then not remembering what they were about. I'm tired all day long and now that the summer has been skipped by and it's cool and fall now the old leg cramping has started up again with a vengence and they hurt so bad it almost has me in tears. My aunt Becky said she has these too with her fibromyalgia - but the rheumatoid doctor didn't think he'd heard of that particular complaint before. Maybe people forget because pain is pain and they don't always write stuff down. The thought of putting up with this again until next spring gives me a headache. Literally.<br />
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Well I went and purchased the vehicle yesterday and I felt as if I was signing my life away - and I really like the car, but feel kind of weird driving it. It is so NOT my trusty old Taurus. Kind of like I've been trying to wear my glasses more and it just doesn't feel like me yet - even though I've been getting really nice compliments.<br />
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Here is a "yeah" for Wal-Mart pharmacy. Our pharmacist, Tom, who has been behind the counter since we moved here in 1991 was a great help today. A couple of weeks ago I had to get a refill on my Lorazepam. I had been getting 30 at a time. My med management guy told them last time I saw him to start giving me 90 at a time since I take 1-3 per day now. Anyway, the pill bottle said 90 but everything else said 30, so when I reordered the insurance company denied it because they said it wasn't time yet - which would be true if I actually HAD GOTTEN 90 pills, you know? I had brought the bottle with me and told Tom what I thought had happened. So at the 5 o'clock rush he went through the bottles and counted out what they had and looked up what they should have and sure enough they were 60 over. He was so apologetic. I wasn't worried - I was just wondering if I had made an error or had only paid for 30 but 90 was written down - you know how those things are. He always goes above and beyond. <br />
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We are to get cold weather and a lot of rain in the next couple of days - so am not looking forward to that. Someone on the radio said, oh but we need the rain. Yeah, about 6 weeks ago when the crops were still growing. It's harvest time here - the farmers do no want rain right now. We need some heat and dry days so they can get the stuff out of the fields. Makes me sad how wet it's going to be. 1 1/2 - 2 inches of rain expected. Yuck.<br />
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Til next time.<br />
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KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-49278612771042171782009-09-28T18:57:00.000-07:002009-09-28T18:57:17.838-07:00Monday the 28thToday was the most ridiculous day - first of all, I get to work and look at the calendar and realize I've forgotten to send my parents an anniversary card. 46 years - you'd think I'd get that down. Had to call and apologize tonight - way to go daughter.<br />
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8:05 a.m. started with phone calls to and from the auto place and talking to the service manager and sales manager. My transmission is shot - easy fix though - for $3,250!!!!! WHAT???????? Now where in the hell do they think I'm going to find that kind of money. I mean really. Sure, I can put it on my credit card, but even if I did have a slush fund with that kind of cash sitting around I could think of more important things to use it on. So long story short - they'll give me what I think is more then fair for my car that DOESN'T work and I am going to purchase another vehicle. It's a little older, but really low miles on it and it's sharp. They even drove it up to me tonight so I could take it to my mechanic tomorrow to have him look at it and I thought that was nice. Tomorrow I'll be driving a Grand Prix GT instead of my reliable old Taurus. I've owned Taurus' since 1995 - gonna be a change coming. ha<br />
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NV over at This D*mn House talked about the weather changes - I'll say. Supposed to be 32 degrees here tonight and I'm sitting here wrapped up in my blanket praying for warm weather because I refuse to turn the furnace on when it's still September! No way Jose.<br />
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I walked in the door tonight after all of this back and forth and test driving and asking opinions of everyone and their dog about what I should do and I wanted to just collapse. If I was still as depressed as before I would be heading for inpatient treatment ASAP = the way it is, I'm stressed beyond my comfort level, you know? I keep reminding myself to take deep breaths.<br />
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Til next time.<br />
KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-18192598272907877652009-09-27T08:08:00.000-07:002009-09-27T08:08:17.735-07:00When it rains it pours....Let me tell you about my hilarious day yesterday. It wasn't REALLY funny - but what else should you do but laugh when one thing after another keeps happening?<br />
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First off, I get up and it's beautiful and sunny outside. So I decide I am going to Sioux Falls for a few hours and spend the extra $100 I have since we sold our old car the other day and Patrick and I each got extra cash after deciding how much sales tax, license and title will take on the new one. God forbid I save a little of it. I wanted do to something for myself - have a little fun, you know.<br />
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I get to Sioux Falls and go to Dollar Tree because all the women on the decorating blogs talk about what good finds they get there. Particularly this one plate that has a basket edge on it - but there were only 3 left and I wanted at least 4. Picked up some other stuff, get to the check out and what, NO MONEY? No wallet, no drivers license, no ATM card and no credit card. Where is it?? Oh yeah, it's at home in the entry way where I LEFT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
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Should have know it was going to be one of those days. I went to the branch of my bank in SF and they allowed me to make a withdrawal without ID because I had the answers to all of their other questions. <br />
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On the way home, at 78 MPH on the interstate my car decides to basically die - the rpm's went way up to 6 and then back down to zero and I was losing power fast. Got over to the side of the road. Put it in park. Let it sit and then put it in drive and nothing. I'm positive it's my transmission. So after sitting there and waiting for a tow truck, $115 ride, my car with less then 35,000 miles is sitting about 40 miles away from home waiting for a mechanic to look at it. Thank god for anxiety medicine that's all I can say. I definitely needed it.<br />
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I feel like a prisoner in my own home. AAGGHH!!!!!!!!!! Disadvantage to living in a small town - no public transportation.<br />
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That's all. Til next time.<br />
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KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-88062431206711660422009-09-25T15:28:00.000-07:002009-09-25T15:37:18.170-07:00TGIFI'd say TGIF today if I had gone to work - instead I was in bed most of the day with a raging sinus headache and low grade fever. Oh course - nothing in the house related to sinus decongestants seemed to exist! God I hate that. Anyway, a friend brought me some stuff and it did seem to help - but I waited 5 hours between doses and the headache is slowly coming back. Will do the 4 next time. <br /><br />I do believe the sun just peaked out after a couple of days of nonstop rain and dreariness. The football fans will be most thankful - but am sure it'll be a muddy night out there on the field.<br /><br />Henry has been barking at everything that moves lately and with my head pounding I want to put a muzzle on him. He is so darn loud for someone so small.<br /><br />I've been perusing the decorating blogs today - do you ever feel guilty when you sign up for a chance to win something and it's not your favorite thing? I do. I still sign up - a chance to win, is a chance to win - but I have my absolute favorites I go to first then search out the others after I read those. There are so many amazing women out there who do things themselves, craft new items beyond belief, redo their own homes, saw everything in site, paint like there is no end to the day, etc. I LOVE IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If my worst trait was not that of being a procrastinator I'd be doing it all also. Maybe that should be my new goal to work on - quit PROCRASTINATING!!! It's a waste of time - literally.<br /><br />Hope this finds you well in your part of the world.<br /><br />Til next time.<br />KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8003555886030256209.post-44228493520758307652009-09-21T17:46:00.000-07:002009-09-21T17:58:39.050-07:00I'm an aunt again!Reese Kelly was born last night at 9:30 p.m. after making her poor mother suffer for 31 hours. Born c-section after all that drama. But everyone is doing well and she's a beauty. Hard to believe my baby brother has become a first time dad. Life is pretty amazing sometimes, isn't it? Giving birth is such a miracle - it's one of the things I would love to do - be there for a live birth. I know it's weird, but I've watched so many Baby Stories on TLC that I just want to do it. Why won't anyone let me ??? lol<br /><br />So I've got 3 beautiful nieces 13, 7 and newborn (Jade, Isabelle and Reese) and 3 handsome nephews 15, 10 and 3 (Ian, Steven and Cameron) and my beautiful boy will be 23 soon - 2 months younger then my sister in law who just had the baby. Aunt Lindsey - I always get a kick out of that. These things happen when you are 16 years older then your youngest brother. ha!<br /><br />Cold, rainy and dreary out today. I'm sitting here wrapped up in a blanket trying not to fall asleep because I'm so cozy. Cannot believe the first day of fall is tomorrow. <br /><br />Fall, new family members and reliving the death of my beloved cousin Heidi always gets me wanting to move to be closer to family. I love where I am - but I want to see the kids grow up and be part of their lives - not the aunt they see once or twice a year, you know? And if I had been in Iowa I could have done so much to help my aunt Penny out when Heidi was so sick. Taken some of the pressure off her any way. What an amazing mom she was - Heidi was so lucky. Wow - I really do miss her. My most favorite cousin out of over 100 - big family. Catholic of course. lol<br /><br />Take care. Til next time.<br />KrisKrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03647422076218439659noreply@blogger.com0