Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Fort Hood

With tomorrow being Veteran's Day and today being the day of mourning for those killed and injured at Fort Hood I just wanted to express my deep sorrow at this. Every single time you turn on the TV something bad is happening - but when our own military and civilians that work on the base at Fort Hood, if you can't feel safe there then where are we to feel safe?

My brother served 8 years in the USAF and was a medic/firefighter. He saw first hand the side of war that many of us will never know. He keeps it all inside - where I believe it festers like an old wound that won't heal. I remember many times the talks we had after 9/11 and after he came back from either Kuwait or Iraq - I would threaten to call someone in the military and tell them that he needed help. He said they frown on that - you aren't supposed to need help. You are a soldier. It would make me so angry. Why would the military want someone who is suffering so to fight for our country. Who was going to fight for him?

He got married in 2008, left the military in July of 2008 and now has a wife and baby to look after. He is safe. But is he still part of the walking wounded? Yes, 100%. I see it in his writing, I see it when I see a photo of him holding yet another beer in his hand, I see it on his face that looks way older then the 29 years of age that his body had lived.

And now more people are suffering. People I do not know - but people I care about. I hope justice is served. I wish our men and women would come home - every last one of them and I wish there would never be another mass murder and I know my wishes, my prayers will not come true. They can't. This is the world in 2009.

Tomorrow I will thank the veterans I see, I'll contact my brother and see how he is and I'll remember those that are living over in Iraq and Afghanistan and pray they stay safe.

Til next time.


Monday, November 9, 2009

Brothers & Sisters

Do you watch Brothers & Sisters on Sunday nights? I LOVE THAT SHOW!!! Have loved it since the very first episode. But now, the character Kitty is sick with lymphoma and boy is it hitting home.

Last night they showed her pulling her hair out after her first chemo and I remembered.

I remembered sitting there in amazement that I could just run my hands through my hair and handfuls of hair would be there. And it didn't hurt. I think that surprised me most.

To take matters in to my own hands and make myself feel as if I had some sort of control during this battle I decided to shave my head before it got the best of me. It makes you feel so strong - there you go cancer you S.O.B. - take that!!!!

Of course last night I realized that I didn't actually do the dirty deed of shaving my head - my good friend Sheri and I sat out in my garage and shaved it off. She was horrified but didn't let me know until later. Said she cried the whole way home. I felt triumphant. Until last night.

I thought - what a horrible person I must be that I had somebody do that to me. I never once thought of Sheri's feelings - I just wanted to shave the d*mn hair off before it all fell out. Me, me, me. Cancer is all about the patient isn't it?

I'm so sorry.

I emailed Sheri today and apologized. We agree that watching our beloved Kitty is getting really hard - and the worst is yet to come.

I hate cancer.


Sunday, November 8, 2009


Today is Sunday and I've worked both days of the weekend so that I could make up some of my lost time from last week and being sick. I have much gratitude for my employer and the chance to do this instead of being in the hole money wise and worrying about what I will do to make up the difference.

I have a friend, who started calling me every day when I was going through my darkest days of depression, and now that I am feeling well and rejuvenated - she still picks up the phone every single day and calls. I have so much gratitude for my friend Ella-Keen Goldsmith. She shows me what unconditional love is each day.

I have two brothers who have FINALLY taken the step to join Facebook and I'm filled with gratitude that they want to be my friend. You'd have to know them to know why this is a gratitude moment. lol

Til next time...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Stepping Outside the Box

Did anyone catch Oprah yesterday and her Stepping Outside the Box program? I thought it was fascinating and it confirmed that I am doing the right thing by signing up for Brave Girl Camp next spring. Each of the women shown were around my age and all different backgrounds - yet they all lived with the same problems basically. In their 40's, not feeling great about themselves and wanting to do something to gain back their self confidence and prove they are still worthwhile to themselves and those around them. I don't know if I could have jumped out of a plane or ran naked in to the ocean - but I can start by going by myself to Idaho and spending 4 days with women I don't know and embark on an amazing journey that I hope will leave me feeling joyful and alive.

Each day people step out of their comfort zone and try new things and yet for some, fear stops you. Why is that fear there now in later years when I can remember clearly being carefree and willing to do or try all sorts of new things way back when.

Having a child was part of it - I mean I couldn't even watch Patrick swing on the swings way up high like I loved to do as a kid - it freaked me out. What if he fell off, what if he jumped and got hurt? It drove me crazy. Did my mom feel that way? I actually don't remember her sitting and watching me swing on the swings. We were daredevils on the swingset - and even unhooked the swing from the hook one time while we had 2 of us on the swing - one standing, one sitting so we could go higher. Took quite a tumble - but got right back on.

It was the same with flying. Before Patrick I loved to fly and travel - after Patrick I worried all the time about what if.......the only thing that made it better was that if we were together then we'd go down together. That's not good is it?

So what do you do to step outside of the box? Any plans? Do you do it daily? I'd love to know.

Til next time.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Flu?

Nope. Just a virus. Have been feeling horrible the past 3 days and can't seem to kick it. So in to the clinic I went today and she said let's test for H1N1 the "real" way. I didn't know there were different ways to test for the flu. Anywho...I had to go to the stupid hospital and have respiratory therapy do the test which involves saline up your nasal passages and the insertion of a small catheter that goes about 6 inches down and sucks out what they just inserted. And Voila - just like that I find out I DO NOT have the flu, just a plain old virus like I said. I should "rest it out".

Believe me I've slept so much lately it's crazy - I will be sitting here and the next thing I know it's two hours later. It doesn't interfere with my night sleep either which is the strangest part - I just sleep like a baby the whole night. Don't you hate it when you go to the doctor and they don't know what to call it so they tell you, you must have a virus. What kind??? is what I want to say. $30 copay for that? Oh well. I have my doctor's note like you used to have for school to get back in - I'm sure they'll let me work now also. I dislike the beginning of the month any way because it is so busy - and being sick doesn't help me one bit.

Thinking positive thoughts for tomorrow so I can work. Til then...


Tuesday, November 3, 2009


Today my sister called seeming all happy and laid back causing me to let my guard down and instead was all in my face and confrontational. All because she wanted to know if I had talked to her soon to be ex-husband. My brother in law - who in my book will always be part of my family. What can I say? I love the guy and think she's doing the wrong thing. My opinion only.

My family is spread out a few hours from one another so we don't see each other very often - mostly holidays and once and a while more often. We got closer when I had cancer and that was a good thing because my sister and I had been pretty much estranged before that. Her choosing. Never knew what I had done to cause it or if it even had anything to do with me really. Now I'm the bad guy again because I'm not going to NOT say what I think if asked. Plus she used me as an excuse to meet her "boyfriend" on the weekend of my 2 year anniversary of surviving cancer - and was caught in the lie. Hurt does not begin to put in to words what I felt when I found out.

So today just caught me off guard and now I'm sitting here, not feeling well and angry again. I am supposed to be in control of how I react to these outbursts of hers but they just piss me off. I didn't cause this whole bad scene - she did. I'm not the bad guy. I didn't leave my husband. I didn't move my children out of a lovely home into an apartment that I've already been evicted from. I'm not talking to my brother in law about gossip - he calls me to see if I knew something because parents and children in Omaha talk - big town, but he still hears stuff. Life goes on.

I do love my family even when I don't agree with them - but don't lie to me and don't expect me to not speak up. I'm 45 years old and I'm not playing the games any more.

Til next time.

Monday, November 2, 2009


I made it through yesterday feeling pretty good until I got home and called my parents and started crying. It's stupid really - but I have this thing about people (meaning my family) not only sending a card for birthday's, but also calling the person to tell them happy birthday. It's a celebration of the day of your birth for God sake - why wouldn't you talk to your family then? Well my mother had started the past few years of sending a card but not calling. Every year we get in to it about the no phone call - and that's in regard to me! It hurts my feelings that I'm not important enough to pick up the phone for. So when it happened to Patrick yesterday - it totally pissed me off (meaning it hurt me)- so I got phone from spending the day with my beautiful son and called and let my mom have it. As soon as I spoke my mind I started to cry.

I've had issues with this for year and it started with Patrick's dad. I swear the man does not know the day of his son's birth. I feel as if he does it to ME each year when he doesn't call - but what about Patrick? We came out of the movie yesterday and he has all these messages from the many friends he has and not one from a family member, including his father. If it were me I'd call my dad and say listen here - just like I did to my mom - but he's not like that. First off he's a guy and you probably don't do that - but you can't tell me it doesn't sting.

So our day together was so nice. We left about 10:30 for Sioux Falls and the weather was already warm and dry and the sun was shining. We ate at a placed called Carnval Brazilian Grill and it was amazing. We both loved the food immensely and Patrick is more adventurous then I am so he tried many more meats then I did. He loved every thing. My favorite was the parmesan cheese encrusted chicken - oh it was yummy. The gaucho's walk around with these large hot skewers with meat on them and slice it right at your table - and then you get all the side dishes you want up at the buffet. Crazy amounts of food. So once we were stuffed sufficiently off we went to a movie and saw This Is It - the Michael Jackson movie. Patrick wasn't a big fan of his, but I grew up with the Jackson Five and Michael's music himself and I sat and just bobbed my head the whole time. We both enjoyed the movie a lot - really interesting to see what it takes to put a show of that magnitude together. And after seeing it, it made me realize how manipulated I was by the media for making me think that he was this weak, frail human being - nobody can rehearse like that and have that type of vision when they are like that. Made me want to go out and dance the night away.Next we stopped at the casino so Patrick could jump in the money booth - and he got $26 bucks. Not a lot, but more then he walked in with. And then home it was.

I just have to say that the reason I get so worked up about my son, even though he's 23, is that if not for him I don't know where I'd be today. When I was in the horrible marriage with his dad - I left for Patrick. Not myself. And everything I did from there on out was for this precious child of mine. He never gave me any trouble, always told me he loved me, was smart, is tall and handsome, plays guitar like a maestro and he just loves life and life loves him back. You never stop being the mom I know - but wow, it's hard. I hope that I am on this earth long enough to see him marry, if he chooses, and to see his children be born. Full circle - what a miracle that would be.

Til next time.