Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hump Day

You'd think I'd be really happy today and I'm not. I'm not sleeping well, my sleep is filled with weird vivid dreams that wake me shaken and then not remembering what they were about. I'm tired all day long and now that the summer has been skipped by and it's cool and fall now the old leg cramping has started up again with a vengence and they hurt so bad it almost has me in tears. My aunt Becky said she has these too with her fibromyalgia - but the rheumatoid doctor didn't think he'd heard of that particular complaint before. Maybe people forget because pain is pain and they don't always write stuff down. The thought of putting up with this again until next spring gives me a headache. Literally.

Well I went and purchased the vehicle yesterday and I felt as if I was signing my life away - and I really like the car, but feel kind of weird driving it. It is so NOT my trusty old Taurus. Kind of like I've been trying to wear my glasses more and it just doesn't feel like me yet - even though I've been getting really nice compliments.

Here is a "yeah" for Wal-Mart pharmacy. Our pharmacist, Tom, who has been behind the counter since we moved here in 1991 was a great help today. A couple of weeks ago I had to get a refill on my Lorazepam. I had been getting 30 at a time. My med management guy told them last time I saw him to start giving me 90 at a time since I take 1-3 per day now. Anyway, the pill bottle said 90 but everything else said 30, so when I reordered the insurance company denied it because they said it wasn't time yet - which would be true if I actually HAD GOTTEN 90 pills, you know? I had brought the bottle with me and told Tom what I thought had happened. So at the 5 o'clock rush he went through the bottles and counted out what they had and looked up what they should have and sure enough they were 60 over. He was so apologetic. I wasn't worried - I was just wondering if I had made an error or had only paid for 30 but 90 was written down - you know how those things are. He always goes above and beyond.

We are to get cold weather and a lot of rain in the next couple of days - so am not looking forward to that. Someone on the radio said, oh but we need the rain. Yeah, about 6 weeks ago when the crops were still growing. It's harvest time here - the farmers do no want rain right now. We need some heat and dry days so they can get the stuff out of the fields. Makes me sad how wet it's going to be. 1 1/2 - 2 inches of rain expected. Yuck.

Til next time.

Kris

Monday, September 28, 2009

Monday the 28th

Today was the most ridiculous day - first of all, I get to work and look at the calendar and realize I've forgotten to send my parents an anniversary card. 46 years - you'd think I'd get that down. Had to call and apologize tonight - way to go daughter.

8:05 a.m. started with phone calls to and from the auto place and talking to the service manager and sales manager. My transmission is shot - easy fix though - for $3,250!!!!! WHAT???????? Now where in the hell do they think I'm going to find that kind of money. I mean really. Sure, I can put it on my credit card, but even if I did have a slush fund with that kind of cash sitting around I could think of more important things to use it on. So long story short - they'll give me what I think is more then fair for my car that DOESN'T work and I am going to purchase another vehicle. It's a little older, but really low miles on it and it's sharp. They even drove it up to me tonight so I could take it to my mechanic tomorrow to have him look at it and I thought that was nice. Tomorrow I'll be driving a Grand Prix GT instead of my reliable old Taurus. I've owned Taurus' since 1995 - gonna be a change coming. ha

NV over at This D*mn House talked about the weather changes - I'll say. Supposed to be 32 degrees here tonight and I'm sitting here wrapped up in my blanket praying for warm weather because I refuse to turn the furnace on when it's still September! No way Jose.

I walked in the door tonight after all of this back and forth and test driving and asking opinions of everyone and their dog about what I should do and I wanted to just collapse. If I was still as depressed as before I would be heading for inpatient treatment ASAP = the way it is, I'm stressed beyond my comfort level, you know? I keep reminding myself to take deep breaths.

Til next time.
Kris

Sunday, September 27, 2009

When it rains it pours....

Let me tell you about my hilarious day yesterday. It wasn't REALLY funny - but what else should you do but laugh when one thing after another keeps happening?

First off, I get up and it's beautiful and sunny outside. So I decide I am going to Sioux Falls for a few hours and spend the extra $100 I have since we sold our old car the other day and Patrick and I each got extra cash after deciding how much sales tax, license and title will take on the new one. God forbid I save a little of it. I wanted do to something for myself - have a little fun, you know.

I get to Sioux Falls and go to Dollar Tree because all the women on the decorating blogs talk about what good finds they get there. Particularly this one plate that has a basket edge on it - but there were only 3 left and I wanted at least 4. Picked up some other stuff, get to the check out and what, NO MONEY? No wallet, no drivers license, no ATM card and no credit card. Where is it?? Oh yeah, it's at home in the entry way where I LEFT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should have know it was going to be one of those days. I went to the branch of my bank in SF and they allowed me to make a withdrawal without ID because I had the answers to all of their other questions.

On the way home, at 78 MPH on the interstate my car decides to basically die - the rpm's went way up to 6 and then back down to zero and I was losing power fast. Got over to the side of the road. Put it in park. Let it sit and then put it in drive and nothing. I'm positive it's my transmission. So after sitting there and waiting for a tow truck, $115 ride, my car with less then 35,000 miles is sitting about 40 miles away from home waiting for a mechanic to look at it. Thank god for anxiety medicine that's all I can say. I definitely needed it.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. AAGGHH!!!!!!!!!! Disadvantage to living in a small town - no public transportation.

That's all. Til next time.

Kris

Friday, September 25, 2009

TGIF

I'd say TGIF today if I had gone to work - instead I was in bed most of the day with a raging sinus headache and low grade fever. Oh course - nothing in the house related to sinus decongestants seemed to exist! God I hate that. Anyway, a friend brought me some stuff and it did seem to help - but I waited 5 hours between doses and the headache is slowly coming back. Will do the 4 next time.

I do believe the sun just peaked out after a couple of days of nonstop rain and dreariness. The football fans will be most thankful - but am sure it'll be a muddy night out there on the field.

Henry has been barking at everything that moves lately and with my head pounding I want to put a muzzle on him. He is so darn loud for someone so small.

I've been perusing the decorating blogs today - do you ever feel guilty when you sign up for a chance to win something and it's not your favorite thing? I do. I still sign up - a chance to win, is a chance to win - but I have my absolute favorites I go to first then search out the others after I read those. There are so many amazing women out there who do things themselves, craft new items beyond belief, redo their own homes, saw everything in site, paint like there is no end to the day, etc. I LOVE IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If my worst trait was not that of being a procrastinator I'd be doing it all also. Maybe that should be my new goal to work on - quit PROCRASTINATING!!! It's a waste of time - literally.

Hope this finds you well in your part of the world.

Til next time.
Kris

Monday, September 21, 2009

I'm an aunt again!

Reese Kelly was born last night at 9:30 p.m. after making her poor mother suffer for 31 hours. Born c-section after all that drama. But everyone is doing well and she's a beauty. Hard to believe my baby brother has become a first time dad. Life is pretty amazing sometimes, isn't it? Giving birth is such a miracle - it's one of the things I would love to do - be there for a live birth. I know it's weird, but I've watched so many Baby Stories on TLC that I just want to do it. Why won't anyone let me ??? lol

So I've got 3 beautiful nieces 13, 7 and newborn (Jade, Isabelle and Reese) and 3 handsome nephews 15, 10 and 3 (Ian, Steven and Cameron) and my beautiful boy will be 23 soon - 2 months younger then my sister in law who just had the baby. Aunt Lindsey - I always get a kick out of that. These things happen when you are 16 years older then your youngest brother. ha!

Cold, rainy and dreary out today. I'm sitting here wrapped up in a blanket trying not to fall asleep because I'm so cozy. Cannot believe the first day of fall is tomorrow.

Fall, new family members and reliving the death of my beloved cousin Heidi always gets me wanting to move to be closer to family. I love where I am - but I want to see the kids grow up and be part of their lives - not the aunt they see once or twice a year, you know? And if I had been in Iowa I could have done so much to help my aunt Penny out when Heidi was so sick. Taken some of the pressure off her any way. What an amazing mom she was - Heidi was so lucky. Wow - I really do miss her. My most favorite cousin out of over 100 - big family. Catholic of course. lol

Take care. Til next time.
Kris

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sunday

I just want to say that I officially am not feeling depressed right now. The meds are doing their job and although I feel tired, I am not crying, I'm making it to work, I am not isolating myself, etc. I partly feel like I've developed ADD - because TV drives me crazy and I've always been the person who knows what time it is by what is on the tube.......horrible, I know. But now I read about 4 pages, get up do something else, try to read again, can't, look for something else to do, that's why I'm tired. I am restless.

My collage is done, the baby stuff is wrapped and will get mailed out tomorrow, my sister in law is apparently in labor and trying to have my niece right now (Reese Marie Kelly), Patrick and I met for lunch after I had already worked 4 hours this morning by 11:00 - I went to work in the dark. What's wrong with me? AND I'm all caught up except for filing which I will put last on the list until I have nothing to do ever again. Filing is for the birds and I hate it. Clear enough? ha

Took Henry outside today and all he did was go to different parts of the yard and stand there. No playing, no frolicking in the wind - just stood there. And then I got a phone call and what is the next thing he does? Proceeds to eat a dead worm. I almost threw up. AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. Now I'll totally be more disgusted when he licks me then before. Just gross.

I just read Jill's note over at Forever Cottage and she said she started blogging because she was new in Minnesota and wanted to find friends. Everyone blogs for different reason's don't they? I love that only NV has discovered me or felt up to following me. What is there to follow anyway? I just like to write and with my new ADD it gives me something to do. Poor people that see this.

NV - where is the Chris Botti update anyway? I'm DYING to know how you and the mother did the other night.

Keeping my friend Norma, my sister in law Lindsey, my baby brother Dana and my friends nephew Sam in my prayers.

Hope your day was good. Til next time.

Kris

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Gorgeous Saturday here in SD

It was so beautiful out today - 75, sunny, light breeze - perfect weather a few days before fall officially begins. Love it!

Slept like a rock last night which isn't unusual with how tired I was on Friday. Could not keep my eyes open at work - it was horrible. Had my therapy session as well and that went well - we are going to skip a couple of weeks now and see how things go. I've been seeing Kris for almost a year now and along with the meds can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah!!!!

My day was a good one today - up early, met the girls for breakfast club and chatted and caught up with everyone until about 11:30, went to the consignment shop and found myself a cool red pot that looks perfect in the living room and a couple of work shirts that are much needed. Next I came home and finished my collage I've been working on and it looks pretty cool - got it hung up over my bed also. Went out to Lowe's searching for plate hangers and they don't carry them. That place has every other thing under the sun - no plate hangers. So that meant I had to go to the much dreaded Wal-Mart on a Saturday no less and that always sucks. But I got what I needed and came home unscathed. I did find the perfect small lamp for the living room as well as remembered to pick up pillow stuffing for the cool placemat I found the other day. Made another pillow in about 5 minutes. Love that idea whomever came up with it. Awesome AND cheap. Henry and I took a little nap, had some dinner and now I'm going to watch some HGTV or Food Network.

Am going in to work for 4 hours tomorrow to make up for some of Thursday's time off, then I have a lunch date with my son. That should be fun. We are going to clean out his "old" car tomorrow - lord knows what we'll find in there. Almost afraid to know. And then hopefully I will get my kitchen finished and all cleaned up, get some laundry done and coerce Patrick in to cutting some weeds down that have sprung up. My lawn boy will be here Wednesday for what will hopefully be the last mowing of the year.

Til next time.
Kris

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Testing done for now

Wow - what a day I had. Go, go, go from 6:15 this morning until 2:23 this afternoon - nothing but driving, appointments, taking clothes on and off, tests, xrays, MRI, and doctors. By the time I was done with getting my port flushed and having to be stuck twice I was literally shuffling my feet I was that tired. I even slept last night which was awesome.

My med manager said that I am doing really well - I could be the poster child for what happens when the right meds are put together. That's a huge compliment considering how long it took to get me there. So I go back in 10 weeks and we may do some adjusting for the winter season as most people get out of whack during those months because of where we live (SD) and just because there is so much darkness during the winter. Left there feeling good about the appointment.

Stopped by TJ Maxx to see if there were any new incredible things to buy that I just had to have. Well of course. I bought 2 really cool plates that will look nice in my bedroom and they look old and faded and gorgeous. $2.00 each. Also found a cute sweater - so when it turns cold, I'll be prepared. ha!

Back to Brookings I went. Saw my family doctor about my pelvic pain. Did an xray and she decided it's more of pubic bone pain and that it might be wise to have a cortisone shot to see if it'll take the edge off. I told her I'd think about it - the thought of a needle "there" doesn't make me feel very good. I'm going to do some research though and get b ack to her.

Next was the brain MRI - wow. Never had one done before - cannot, for the life of me, imagine how scary it must be for kids in that thing. I held on for dear life to the little "call button" they give you just in case. Not as bad as I thought it'd be - but still, glad it's over with.

Went back to the clinic for a port flushing and poor Nila, who was swamped today, put the needle in a spot that just wasn't going to work - plus it hurt - so we had to take it out and start all over again. Of course!! 2nd try worked and I was free to go.

Didn't go back to work - went home and took a nap which was much needed. I am already exhausted and want to go to bed and it's 8:33 p.m. = must be my age! lol

Won't have results until next week I guess so I'll let you know when I do.

Met my BFF tonight for dinner and we got to play catch up. That was nice.

Til next time -

Kris

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

September 16th

I am going to be the whiny bitch today. OMG! I am so frickin' tired and run down I can hardly stand it - and yet tomorrow I have 2 doctor appointments in two different towns and a MRI at 1:00. I told my boss I'd try to come in - but I know I won't go. I am ready to drop and it's 8:44 - just got back from Wally World and picking up more meds. Will it never end????

Enough of that. Whew, I feel better just getting it off my chest.

We bought my son a different car today - and he was thrilled. He's paying his part of the payment - we put both our cars on to the same loan - but he needed something safer and his old Taurus just wasn't cutting it any longer. Our town is too small for any type of real public transit - so if you don't have decent wheels you are SOL.

I was wondering if the MRI tech would consider letting me act as if I am at work where the confusion is at it's worst then pop me in the machine and let see if it shows anything different. Wouldn't that be a hoot? Patrick didn't think it would fly - but you never know. It'll probably be negative (which is good yes) but I don't want another round of tests, meds, etc to find out that it's just unknown why I am like I am now. Chemo and neurontin - that's my aunt's theory. We'll see who is right.

Did you watch Biggest Loser last night? I guess I swore last season when that wench Helen won it that I'd never watch again. But I forgot. lol And now I'm hooked again. ha

I'm almost finished with the collage I am working on for my room and as a treat to myself I ordered another canvas from Kelly Rae Roberts' collection to go in my room as well. LOVE HER!!! See? Some things aren't so bad.

Well I've got to check out some of my decorating blogs and see what people are up too - I stopped at Michael's tonight in SF and picked up a couple of "inspiration" things I'm going to work on next. Should be interesting any way.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Inspired and tired....

can you be these things at the same time? I just got done reading all the latest on my blog sites I love - and now I want to start moving stuff around again, painting what doesn't need painting and just "re-making" stuff. I saw some beautiful candles, beads, and hurricane lamps that just scream FALL and now I need them. I read the blogs for entertainment and inspiration - but they just may be the death of me yet. ha

I left work early today and came home and just crashed for a few hours. I was typing and all of the sudden just felt so sick to my stomach and dizzy - knew it was from overdoing the past two weeks. I wish I could be truthful and say it was from actually "doing" something - but overdoing for me, who hasn't overdone in a long time, is a lot of time traveling in the car for hours at a time, many doctor appointments, the stress of those, and trying to deal with daily life itself. Not to mention the fact that my sister and brother in law are involved in an ugly divorce and I'm not talking to my sister. She hurt me in a way I didn't know possible - but I'll work on the forgiveness because I miss her and our talks - but I know myself and it'll be a while til that comes. I'm too damn stubborn for my own good.

Til next stay - stay well.
Kris

Monday, September 14, 2009

Made it through the day

today! God I'm so glad it's over. My head hurts and I'm exhausted and want to eat the wood off the furniture because I am that stressed and when I am stressed I want to eat. Need I say more?

I had a good visit (is the doctor ever good?)with the neurologist Dr. Lisa Viola. She seemed very educated - another plus - and she DID NOT make me feel as if I was there for no reason. She did a series of tests with me and then stated that it could be a variety of issues but we did some VER test that showed me a lot of black and white squares that moved constantly with a little red square in the middle. Something about the optic nerve. I had electrodes on my head and then an eye patch over each eye as you did each side twice. That's what gave me the headache. Can't believe it hasn't gone away yet. Then she ordered and MRI of the brain for Thursday and in a few weeks I will be going to see a Dr. Sweatman for a neuropsych cognitive testing consult. Same office - different specialty of neurology. So I'll be all doctored out by the end of October - and will be hoping for good results. You always pray for them to tell you it's nothing but on the other hand - what is causing all this confusion, vision changes and memory loss? You know?

Patrick went with me, my sweet boy, and I wondered if he was having flashbacks to when he'd accompany me to all my oncology visits and sit there and ask questions, and watch me closely as they poked and prodded their way around my body. Way too much for a 20 year old boy - I don't care what people say.

Other then that - I will have to talk to my mom and aunt in a few minutes about the test results. Have resolved to stay off the phone for any reason until after 9:05 or wait til the weekend - I ran over on my minutes for the 2nd time ever last month and my bill was a whopping $136!!! I about passed out. So if you don't have Verizon - don't call me or think I'll be calling you. lol

Tuesday already tomorrow - feel as if the days are just rushing by. Hope all is well.

Til next time.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sunday

How does time fly by so fast and I'm not having that much fun? Seriously!!! I went to work on Friday and struggled all day just getting through. From being tired beyond belief to not being able to concentrate well enough to get much accomplished I don't know which was worse. I was in bed by 8:30 on Friday and slept until 5:30 Saturday - got up for a while and worked on my collage I'm making and then it was nap time for a couple of hours.

Sandy and I went to Watertown and did a little shopping and then came back and watched Julie and Julia - which I loved by the way. The book and the movie were about the same and I love, love, love Meryl Streep. She was a hoot.

Had to call the cops last night because the college boys next door just would not give up and go to bed last night. 2:30 a.m. and they decide to start using their keg and garbage can as drums. That was it for me. Made the call and by 3 I think the police had been there and all was quiet. I live in a college town, in the area where kids rent, so I try to give a lot of leeway - I mean, I have a 22 year old for God sake, I know what they do - but enough is enough some times. I had hit my limit, that's for sure.

Up early again today and went in to work for 4 hours to make up the four hours I'll miss tomorrow when I go to the doctor's for my neurology appointment. Am not feeling really anxious right now - but we'll see how that is tomorrow afternoon when we are driving that way.

How do you deal with a loved one that has gotten her life in to total disrepair and then proceeds to lie about it over and over again as if everything is fine? My sister tells my parents one thing, me another and her estranged husband something entirely different. Doesn't it get old and wearing trying to remember what lies you told to whom on which day? I'm losing it and I'm not even the person who is trying to do it.

My eyes feel as if they want to close so I'd best sign off. A big thanks to NV for her continued pep rallies for me - they bring a smile to my face. Til next time.

Kris

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I'm back

from my little trips. Iowa was so much fun once we got there - Patrick and I were arguing within 2 blocks of the house because he didn't want Henry "touching" him. For God Sakes child - it's a dog and you are going to be 23!!!!!! I stopped the car and told him to get out for old time sake. Once that was over we were all fine - I even let him drive the last 3 hours of the trip because it was dark out and I didn't even have a panic attack. ha!

So Iowa, as I said, was very nice. The kids loved having us there watching them race, I got way too much sun and am paying for it today with a nice peeling face (yuck!), my aunt Becky came down to watch also and I haven't seen her in forever so we traded fibromyalgia stories (she has to use a cane to walk), we had great food all weekend, sat and laughed with my sister in law, loved on my nieces and nephews - which usually means I gave them money for things their parents refused. And my son got to go out with his Uncle to the infamous Clipper - a hole in the wall dive that he has heard about since he was a little boy. He, Wade, and Darrell went out for a couple of drinks and Patrick came home feeling no pain. Oh the joys of alcohol when you are young.

I've been away at a business trip the past two days and it was the most boring drive EVER out there and back. I hate driving!! And next week I have to drive to Sioux Falls twice for doctor appointments - on separate days of course because nobody can accomadate you these days and save gas, time, etc. I am so looking forward to the neurology appointment - I'm sure you are bored hearing that. My son will accompany me in case there would be bad news - although he did ask tonight if I'll know anything for sure Monday or are they just running tests. I don't know - I've never met her, you know?

Have been sleeping like a rock lately and really think my triple threat of meds has started to even out my depression. Hallelujah! So combine that with my therapy sessions and hopefully getting no bad news next week and I will almost feel like a new person. It's been a LONG TIME since I've heard the real me coming out of my mouth - that's weird, right? But it's true.

Am looking forward to the weekend and the promise of cool weather. My BF and I are going to do a little shopping. My newest niece should be making her appearance in the world in the next couple of weeks and I've not bought a thing yet. That's horrible. I need to get with the program.

I hope this finds you well. Til next time.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Can you say "repeat after me"

I just read my entry and lo and behold it looks pretty much like the last one. See why I am going to the neurologist? Something is wrong. I can't remember a damn thing one day to the next. One hour to the next. One minute to the next some days. FRUSTRATING!!!

Sorry for all the repeated stuff - til next time.

Made It Through Thursday....

I honestly think things just might be progressing in the right direction these days - although that is a super scary thing to say out loud, let me tell you. My therapist had a late cancellation yesterday so I went in at 5 and wondered what we were going to talk about and we ended up talking about God, prayer, forgiveness and grief. This month is the 3rd anniversary of losing my beloved cousin Heidi to Multiple Myeloma at the tender age of 42 and I've never had time to grieve her untimely death. So working through my grief and really getting to the core of that will be the next big challenge now that the meds seem (fingers crossed, hoping with all hope)to be putting me at that much needed plateau. I am even going to try massage therapy to get at where the grief is locked. That'll prove to be interesting.

So I stayed home yesterday and rested, did my therapy, picked up my pills and all was much better today. I am almost caught up at work, my boss was ok with my missing work as long as it was for Mental Health issues again - I think I scare him. ha! We are heading to Iowa tomorrow for the long weekend to spend time with family, I have staff training 2 days next week out of town and the following week will be all about doctor appointments. Lovely.

I didn't get any projects done today except for getting the oil changed. Forgot to get gas and the car washed - imagine that, me forgetting something. Guess I'll try to do that early in the day so I'll just load the car up at noon and we can be on the road right around 5. Am loathing the trip - but looking forward to hanging out with the kids. Patrick loves being with my brother - and it's always fun to watch them together. Wade might act like a big jerk - but he's a big ole pile of mush inside. Kind of like me - not the jerk part, but I try to act strong and as if I don't need any one.Lies. All lies.

They are predicting gorgeous weather this weekend and no chance of rain. I am so looking forward to that as well. Have a safe weekend everyone and if you are traveling - safe travels to you as well. Til next time.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I was right

I woke up this morning with a horrible headache, coughing and my upper back hurting. And dead tired.

I need to say that this is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. Please go to the National Ovarian Cancer Alliance to read up on the symptoms of this "silent killer". It is a hard cancer to detect - you don't find it at your pap unless the gynecologist feels the tumors. The CA 125 test isn't a good blood test to have unless you already know you have cancer and they use it as your marker. There are too many false positives. The symptoms that you read about are normal things that most women have at some point in their lives - the thing to remember is that if these symptoms are NEW to you and last 3 weeks or more, then you need to run, not walk, in to your physician and asked to be screened. Demand it. 22,000 women are diagnosed each year and 15,000 die. Those are horrific statistics. Let's stop my beautiful friends from getting their angel wings this year from this horrible disease. Early detection is the only way to have a chance to beat this thing.

Well I am going to take a nap. Am exhausted. Til next time!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Tuesday and starting on the downward spiral......

...I've worked the last 8 days in a row. A new record since I started with this severe depression mode. Yesterday it was like I was on speed - I couldn't get things done fast enough, then I came home after 8 1/2 hours at work and recovered a footstool, spray painted a lamp and recovered the lamp shade. Then I couldn't sleep. So today I'm absolutely exhausted and afraid to lay down for fear of no rest again.

I do feel as if the medicine must be starting to take hold - it's been 5 weeks - but it's still right there at the surface. I can feel it like a ticking bomb..........you know when you can feel all the emotions right there but can't get them out? I think the revved up energy is just a way to shut out the thing I'm supposed to be working on and that is me, myself and I.

We are heading home this weekend to Iowa so that'll be a real test. Haven't been there in over a year I think. 3 days with my family - my brother and his wife and kids - the dog is coming with us, my son is also coming along. He wants to see "his people" as he puts it. At least I won't have to make the 5+ hour drive alone.

Next week I have to be out of town for 2 days for training and the following week I have the neurology appointment and the med management appointment. Of course on 2 separate days and in SF so I can drive 104 miles round trip each time. Why don't doctors assist more with coordinating of times?

I am so tired...........gotta get some sleep. Til next time.