Sunday, August 30, 2009

Great weather weekend

Wow - who can believe it's August in SD when it's in the 60's and the sun is shining and no clouds. I would never believe it. I made it to work today to finish up some of the things still sitting on my desk. I will go in tomorrow morning early to get it all finished up and start another month once again.

What is up with men and going to the doctor? My good friend Jerry started feeling sick on Friday. He went to the doctor and saw one of the people I would never let touch me who then prescribed a Z-Pack for him. I talked to him yesterday and I didn't even know it was him - you can just hear the rattle in his chest. Today he couldn't talk without getting short of breath. I kept saying he needed to go to the ER - nope. The 2nd time I called today he was sure he couldn't work tomorrow so I told him I'm calling Dr. H - he said how? I have my I called his wife, my friend, and told her what was going on and Dr. H, bless his heart, made a house call to Jerry. Jerry called and thanked me over and over. He just didn't have the energy to even leave the house I think and instead of just saying that he was just plain stubborn. They drive me crazy.

I and 4 other girls went and saw the movie Time Travelers Wife today - it was really a nice movie - the book is better - but still the movie was believable and I love when they can make that happen. The weird thing is that I did not cry. Not even a single tear. My emotions are so backwards any more - I can cry just saying somebody's name or sob for no reason and then I watch something wonderful and moving and I've got nothing. Isn't that just crazy??? I cannot wait until 9-14-09 - neurology here I come.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

One Week of Work

I actually made it to work every day this week. This is the first time in a long time - can't say it makes me happy or overjoyed as the confusion and memory problems I have while there are infuriating. God, I cannot wait to go to the Neurologist on the 14th to see if this is all medicine induced, depression or something physically wrong with me.

Henry is better!!!! The prescription food to bind him up worked and we've got formation now. Who ever thought I'd so concerned about my dogs poop. Not me, that's for sure. My son said wow mom, were you like that with me - and I said yep, every single time. Guess Henry really is like my child now. NV said her dog has had it 3 times - I am going to pray that isn't so with Henry. That was enough to stress me out for a long, long time.

Have been doing a little crafting here in SD - my living room is officially done!! Yippee. My bedroom just needs to get some adjustments and then I'll be working on the picture/collage that I'm making for over my bed and I'll be done with that also. I spray painted a wicker chair today = what a pain in the butt. I'd much rather spray paint anything else I think. Took almost 3 cans to cover a white chair with gloss leather brown color. Looks great with the cushion and pillow I made though. Love the fabric glue - wish I had stock in it.

I live in a small town in SD and today was college move in day - so here came 12,000+ kids, trailers, parents, etc to unload for the next 9 months. Wal-Mart was an absolute freaking zoo today. Shelves were cleared off in like minutes - it really is weird to see. Glad I needed spray paint and that was it. In. Out. Home.

I did talk to two of my favorite people today - Keenie and my aunt Penny. It's Penny's birthday and Keenie calls me daily to be sure I've not completely lost my sanity. Do not know what I would have done without these amazing women in my life. They just love me with no judgment whatsoever - and that is a rare thing.

Til next time...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


I love to write - and this makes it feel safe to write what I think without being judged by those loved ones around me who just can't seem to keep their feelings to themselves or to waaahhh to others about what I am doing or saying.

I made it to work yesterday - all day - on a Monday. But to be honest, the reason I made it was because my dog is sick and had been up with him all Sunday night again, called the vet at like 4:30, who told me it was okay to wait until 7:30 to bring him in even though his diarrhea was now pure blood. Freaked me out, freaked Henry (the dog) out too. So, this morning I am home for a couple of hours because he is still having problems, although they are getting better, but we were up every 1 1/2 hours again last night cleaning up messes. He messed, I cleaned. Poor Henry. We both are exhausted.

My battery is about to go here and I need to get ready for work. Til next time.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

August 23rd already

What happened to this month? And has summer really even been here? In South Dakota we had hotter days in late May then we have in August when it's usually humid and horrible out. I am loving it. My AC bill should be really low. Yah! I could use the extra money.

Well on the creative side I've been doing well. My living room just needs to get the ottoman recovered - I have everything to complete it, just haven't got it done and then I will spray the wicker chair a chocolate brown and it'll be complete! My dining room needs 3 pictures rehung and new photo's inserted and my bedroom needs to have the stuff rearranged on the dresser and I will then start on the large canvas that I plan to do to hang over my bed. I have everything picked out to go on it but I am trying to really plan it out in my mind before I start laying stuff down - too expensive for just the canvas to screw it up.

As for trying to keep my pains soothed - well that's a whole other matter in and of itself. I've been trying for a little over 4 weeks to get the right meds to regulate the depression that has been knocking me down for the count to no avail. I had a 1:00 therapy appointment on Friday and was crying so hard that I couldn't go back to work. My boss said, I thought therapy was supposed to help? It does - but you go through some rough stuff while it's working. My therapist, Kris, said that she wondered what I thought about asking my psychiatric med manager about seeing whether or not my insurance would pay for inpatient treatment - just to get the meds regulated and the opportunity to work with therapists 24/7 and get the rest I need. I am just exhausted all the time. All of that crap piled on top of worrying about my job security, the confusion that is a minute by minute issue any more and missing work - it's too much for my mind to deal with. The only thing that gives me true pleasure right now is using my creative side - at least I don't feel like a total reject then.

Yesterday was my good friend Patty's husbands 60th birthday - and they had a big shindig. It was really nice to see so many smiling faces. I don't feel as if I contributed much in the way of helping Patty out - but I got a lot out of watching all the young kids run around and play and the older group also partake in volley ball and bean bag games. I just sat and watched and took it all in - then started to really feel nauseated after being in the sun for a little while. After that - I couldn't wait to get home. Just didn't feel right. So off we went (my friend Jerry took me out and back).

I opened the front door and was like, what the hell smells. My poor pooch Henry had been sick while I was gone (which has not ever happened since I got him 1 1/2 years ago). He had stuff come out both ends and was in his kennel just shaking away. Poor guy. I got his kennel cleaned up, him cleaned up, and then the rest of the night was up and down, up and down, and trying to keep him warm, clean, and spot cleaning the carpet, etc. Right now he seems to be doing a wee bit better - at least he has drank twice in the past couple of hours and that has stayed inside so we are making progress.

Today is my beloved Keenie's birthday - she turns 72. She is one of those people that I've adopted in my life and made part of my family. She is one of two women that I wish my mom would sit and talk to and learn from - about what it means to be a mom. I love my mom - but she really just doesn't get it. Or maybe it's me who doesn't get how to be the loving child. Could be. I am a great mom - this I know to be true - but grateful, loving child? Not so much. Spend more time wishing things could be different - but at our ages, I don't thin it will change too much unless my cancer returns. Cause I won't be doing treatment for a 3rd recurrence - not unless then have a cure and can guarantee me it works. I love life - but not enough to suffer like that just to die in the end.

God, this is depressing even me. And that's saying a lot!!lol

by Gail is excellent if you want some really great idea's about things to do with wonderful tutorials. I found her by mistake - but she makes me want to do more and more.

Hope you are having a wonderful weekend. Til next time.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Wonderful & Cool Here....

that much I love. I still can't figure how to add a link, I posted the same post twice the other day while dinking around trying to "learn" something technical, my dog Henry will NOT quit barking at the grass or whatever is in his range of eyesight right now and he's driving me crazy. But it's cool, and there's a gorgeous breeze coming in the windows, and I know I should be DOING SOMETHING constructive but I can hardly keep my eyes open and I cannot go to the bathroom. Yes, I am well aware that that is TMI. But this medicine Abilify is going to kill me. I've convinced myself I must have a bowel obstruction - only I know I'd be in more pain. I did just have surgery in April again to remove the ole gall bladder - could be. I'm just miserable is all I can say.

Hey does anyone know that if you post a comment on someone's site and you aren't technically a decorating blog - do they or can they delete what you had to say? It kind of ticks me off. I gave a very nice comment regarding someone's floor and told how I had accomplished mine and I don't see it. Cripes I probably deleted it myself knowing me.

Tomorrow night I will be making like 120 cupcakes with my friend Patty for her husband's 60th birthday party coming up this weekend. She and I are only 45 so I give her grief about her old man all the time. I tell him also - he tries to act all gruff, but I'm hoping deep down he's a good guy.

Well here is my latest guffaw of the week. I called my therapist yesterday to ask what day my appointment was cause I had one day at 1 and another day at 4 - and I knew I was just going once this week. So the mssg plays, and I say - Hi Kris, this is Kris Gedstad and I need to check on my correct appointment time. Everyone in the office started to crack up. Her name is Kris Gedstad - not mine.

It's 7:56 and I feel as if I could go to bed. Why am I so tired???? Maybe the neurologist will be able to find the reason on the 14th of September when I finally get in to see her. Some days I truly feel as if I've lost my mind. Scary.

Am loving everyone's projects they are doing - I even got my friend Patty to try crafting today - and she did it. She called so proud of herself. Just takes a little time, that's all.

Til next time.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Soothing Pains: Rainy Days and Mondays Always.....

Soothing Pains: Rainy Days and Mondays Always.....

Rainy Days and Mondays Always.....

get me down. God I loved the Carpenters. ha

I felt like I was turning a corner there for a couple of days and then whammo - today it has been hell. Crying, sleeping, whining, making promises to my most beloved friends & my boss that starting tomorrow I promise to them that I will be there at work EVEN if I can't make it in to the shower, come hell or high water I am coming to work every day. There is nothing that I hate worse in the world then feeling as if I've let someone down or disappointed them. It's just not my way. But this is day 5 of the new combination of drugs and I think we may have it right for now. I just really, really, prefer to be at home, by myself - and that is so not me - and I think that is what scares me the most. But you have to forge ahead right? Hell I was NEVER this bad even while going through chemo - the last three years have hit me hard.

NV over at This D*amn House gave me some pointers on how to put someone's site in to my blog so that if someone besides her (lol - love my 1 reader)see's my blog they can link to the others. So I'm going to use her site to see if I can get it to work. Wish me luck.

Til next time.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Go to this blog....

Susan from Peanut Petunia is having a giveaway today - she is giving away the much loved crates that hang in Layla's kitchen over at The Lettered Cottage. Pop on over and sign up - and congratulate her on her 100th post. Also, Sarah at Thrifty Decor Chick Decor has a give away from E.A.D. Designs for some vinyl wall art - it could be your lucky weekend.

I have hopefully had my last drug reaction this past week and may be on the right path now. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so sick of feeling so sick. Now if only my CA 125 hadn't risen I would probably be jumping for joy - at least in my head - bit anyone whose ever had Ovarian Cancer or knows someone who does/did - you know that we live and die by that number. It's terrorizing really. I am hoping by Saturday of next week I will be feeling well - as in my depression in check and no more days off for that. Next comes the testing for my confusion - it just never ends. You'd think I was a much older woman - nope, just 45 with a lot of medical issues. That's why I love the decorating blogs so much - it "takes me away" without having to get in the tub or buy Calgon.

Off to a wedding this afternoon in Sioux Falls - it's raining right now, so I hope the weather improves. But cool weather for the next couple of days so I'm looking forward to that.

Again, if someone reads this and can tell me how to highlight to the links of the other bloggers I'd appreciate. I just can't figure it out.

Have a great weekend!

Til next time.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

No Rest For The Wicked

I am supposed to be feeling absolutely exhausted right now because they changed my meds, again, and here it is after 10 and I'm wide awake and think I should go back in my bedroom and finish getting it arranged. I have some idea's of what to do for a headboard type art project - I just hope what comes out matches what I have in my head.

My poor boy is so distracted and upset and worried about this girl he has fallen in love with. He is the nicest young man, would never hurt a fly and he's so worried that when they talk tonight she may say let's cool it for a while. He will be devastated................and we all know that time heals all wounds, etc. but this is his first true love and he just can't believe he's found her and maybe it won't work out no matter how hard they try. I'm just saying some prayers and hoping he found his friend Aly to get some "girl" advice. She is the fiance of his best friend James - but in my heart Aly will always be the girl who got a way (they were 11) because I still call her my daughter in law. She lost her mom to ovarian cancer 6 weeks before I was diagnosed. Isn't that eerie?

I recovered my vanity stool tonight in a silk ice blue material that I also fashioned a bedskirt out of. I think I'm going to use the rest of the fabric and put it in a frame with my initial - that should look pretty. The room is coming together. I'll be happy when it is done.

I told you above that they changed my meds again so - told me just to stop them. Everything I've read on it since says you are to dose down until you get off of them so you don't get side effects. Well this morning I woke up with club like feet, swollen hands & fingers and my back hurt from my head down to my tailbone. Ticked me off to no end. I am so sick of medicine I could literally scream.

Well I should shut the computer down so I can get settled and start to feel tired. It's always something - that's what I should have named my blog. ha

til next time

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Tuesday and so much going on....

I made it to work today ALL DAY LONG! This is quite an achievement. This is also my 3rd day on Abilify and I've felt as if I'm so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open one moment longer at any point of the day, and on the other hand I feel like I am just totally hyped up. My friend Nancy, who is also a 2 year ovarian cancer survivor, said she felt as if she'd been on speed while taking the 5 mg dose - but how am I supposed to know how that feels like? I've NOT done speed. I am still waiting for the med management nurse to call me back. I feel as if I'm babbling.

I just got off of Kelly's Korner and her latest blog entry (can someone tell me how to add a link?) and it took my breath away because her friends delivered a baby by emergency c-section today and they believe the baby is brain dead. She was due in two weeks. If that isn't enough to rip your heart out - then the catch in my throat when she said the baby's name made me want to cry. Reese. My baby brother and sister in law are due with their first child, a girl, on September 25th and they are planning to name her Reese Olivia - all you can really do is pray for them. All of them.

No numbers for me today so I am trying desperately to believe no news is good news - either that or they (my nurses) are trying to catch me at a time where they know I won't be at work and have a breakdown if the number is over 35. The magic number for ovarian cancer survivors - we live and breathe by it. Disgusting really. Because you can have low numbers and have many tumors or a big number and not much cancer evident in your body. I don't know how it works - but you always pray for anything under 35 - but mine has been running below 9 since my first chemo in August of 2007 so think good thoughts.

NV - sounds like you are feeling a little better? Antibiotics should have kicked in by now I would guess. Thanks for your comments -

Talk soon.

Monday, August 10, 2009

I love my boy!!!

Whenever my son, who is almost 23 starts to not answer his phone or text me back I KNOW in my heart that things are bothering him. Yesterday at 4:00 I was trying to get him to turn around from where he was going and come back to town so we could talk - I just knew something wasn't right. And today, he stopped by the house, we went to get a bite to eat and he told me he cried the rest of the way on his trip yesterday. He hasn't done that in a long time.

I think he's fallen in love with a girl who feels the same way about him - but she shows her love in a different way because she's been hurt deeply in the past. Hey - this mama knows about that stuff. I lived thru it with his dad. So we had a discussion about that and I think he got some perspective.

What else is wrong buddy? He's worried about me. Now that will break any mom's heart. It's supposed to be the other way around you know? I am working so hard on trying to break this depression I am in. I am afraid every single day that my cancer will rear it's ugly head at the most inopportune time - and unfortunately, he knows that. We have been a team of 2 since he was 3 months old and there is nobody in this world that I love more. We don't keep secrets - that's a rule - but when he starts to pull away I know it's because he doesn't want ME to worry about him because I've got enough going on. NEVER too much when it comes to my boy though.

I so remember being his age (I had him at 22) and all the drama and changes and confusion you go through in your 20's. I tried to tell him for many years that if you think your teens are bad wait til your 20's. It's hard being an adult. Heck, I wish I wasn't one a lot - I'd love for someone else to just take care of it for me - yet I'm too damn independent to let someone else in to help.

I had my blood drawn today to see if my CA 125 has increased since June - should find out tomorrow or Wednesday. I despise waiting. I didn't get to work until noon today - am so tired all of the time, can't sleep, etc, etc, etc. Talked to the nurse who works for my med management nurse practitioner and then didn't hear back about what to do. She called me 3 times and then no answer? That is so weird.

And I only cried twice today - making progress? I hope so. I need to believe it'll all change when it's time.

Time for meds and bed - praying I can get some sleep.

Til later.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Weirdest Day Yet!

This day has been so crazy - I can hardly keep my eyes open to type yet my mind is going 100 mph trying to wrap what I've learned today into some sort of thing that could be called reality. Why do people do things to hurt one another? Calculated things. You know how lately on the news they've been having all these weird reports of people being killed, things being done, etc and EVERY PERSON who has ever known the people swear up one way and down the other that IT CAN'T BE TRUE. I don't believe it. NEVER in a million year would he or she do that.

Well we are living that in my family right now and I can tell you that although we've had experience before with his a long, long time ago with this person - I would never have believed for even a minute that she'd do it again. And so many lives have been hurt and shook up and altered all because of the actions of one person. It blows my mind sure - but, I know it to be true. It truly hurts my heart. I thought we had come to a place in our lives, in our 40's, where this type of stuff wouldn't still be happening. It's crazy. I'm feeling crazy because of it.

I am so exhausted. I need to go to bed. A lot of crying has been going on today, and it wears you out. I only had one project completed today - the bedskirt that I couldn't find yesterday? Well I found a beautiful ice blue silk curtain panel and cut that up and stapled it to the box spring - but I'm pretty sure it's still going to need to be glued down - but it does look beautiful with the chocolate brown coverlet I bought. Can't wait for it to be done.

Thanks for letting me vent. Til next time.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

I Am So Jealous....

of all of you who find these ridiculously great buys at garage sales - especially those of you in the South! A Kate Spade bag for $1??? Come on! Here in SD they would put $50 on it and then say they can't come down because "do you know how much a KS bag is worth?" Why yes I do.....that's why I am at your garage/tag sale today. Wow!!!

And if you haven't been to Sarah's Art House yet - go right now. Her house is so cool - she is just a great artist in every sense of the word. There are so many things I would like to borrow from her - and then keep them because I have chemo brain still. Love it!!

And I'm redoing my bedroom in chocolate brown and a ocean blue color and I remembered a post from Sarah at Thrifty Decor Chick about how she used place mats to make pillows that needed to be replaced at her house. Place mats people! Even at Wally World a pillow is like $15.00 - that is highway robbery. So Wal-Mart had a "travel pillow" today that was like $3.00 and I bought a cool chocolate brown striped place mat - opened it up carefully, put the little pillow in and fabric glued the end shut. Voila! Am definitely going to be watching out for more place mats. I think she said she got the idea from Boomer Power? Well whomever thought of it - what a great idea.

So today was day 6 on Abilify. I was wide awake again at 12:30 this morning, still, so I decided in order for me to get some sleep I am going to have to take an Ativan. And sure enough I slept 5 hours straight, got up to use the loo, and went back to sleep and slept until 10. I actually felt chipper today - which is saying a lot for a person who has been so depressed that she's not been able to work some days out of the week.

I do have to go in Monday and get some blood drawn as I've been having some pain in my groin area. I'm an ovarian cancer survivor - not once have I ever heard that this could mean something. But I went into my support site for the American Cancer Society and put in groin pain and up pops the subject a few times - including one woman who is currently have a recurrence. So I called my oncology nurse yesterday and she talked to my doctor and they thought I should get my CA 125 drawn to be sure it's still normal. I don't go back to the doctor until October so I'd rather be safe then sorry. I'm just going to pray it's fine - and go on as usual and work on the depression aspect of my life right now. If the cancer is back - we'll deal with it then. It doesn't even freak me out because I am about 99.9% positive that I'll do treatment one more time and that's it. I love my life, my child, my friends & family - but I cannot do the chemo over and over like some of these brave women continue to do. I don't want to be a 7 year cancer survivor and never have been off chemo for more then a few months. I want to "LIVE" and not be kept alive by poison. And pain. And nauseated. And infections. And special mouth washes. And pain pills. And exhausted. And shakey. And bald.

I won't do it.

Sandy and Patrick know this -

I hope they remember how stubborn I am. lol

NV at This D*mn House must really be feeling poorly - no new posts today and that girl likes to write. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Til next time.

Friday, August 7, 2009


First to NV over at This D*mn House - I hope you are feeling better. Rest!!! You deserve it.

So I just read my last blog that was random as hell and I see I wanted to write about Kelly Rae Roberts. Have you read her blog? Been to her Etsy site? She is amazing with a capital A. When I first started looking at the decorating blogs - I was always drawn to certain ones by their names, by what their post was that day, how their blog looked, and if they had anything that touched my heart when I read it.

I remember reading Kelly's blog and she is just a beautiful person - you can tell that by the way she writes. She believes so deeply in so many things. And she is an amazing artist. When I saw her work I wanted to buy one of everything. I'm not kidding. Her sister is an artist too - and she had the most beautiful angel made out of an old, cracked hand mirror. I could have swooned.

About 2 weeks after I had started figuring this whole blog world thing out, I went to one of our local gift shops because I had money to spend for my birthday. I am one of those people who like to look at everything - but knows exactly what I will and will not buy. If I love it - I pick it up and it goes homes. So at this shop I went through the whole store and find myself almost back to the entrance with nothing in my hands to buy and I looked up and saw the most beautiful Angel hanging there - she's done in reds and yellows and greens and her face is serene and the words on her dress say "wear yellow shows" "live as if this is your last day" "think positive" - and I took her off the wall and went and paid. When I got home I was reading the back about the artist and lo and behold who is it done by? Kelly Rae Roberts from her first collection for Demdaco. It was fate.

More then that, being a cancer survivor the words mean something to me. I have her hanging on the wall across from where I sit every day and I look at her all the time - and I go to the Etsy shop and daydream, and I love angels in general - and she's perfect.

My house is old, it's funky, each room has a different vibe and I like it that way. But most of all I love how there are so many wonderful women (and men) who are posting away about their lives, showing their strong selves to the world, trying to make a difference, and all in the name of their passion for design, art, their families, and all else they believe in.

We have come a long way baby.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Winner Is....

So You Think You Can Dance is officially over for the season and Jeannine won. I thought it would be Brandon - whom I've loved from the beginning. Oh well - I just love watching those kids do their things and go for their dreams. What a joy.

I made it to work again today - yeah! But not without a lot of self talk. I was not feeling well this morning and would have rather stayed home and stared at the walls. But I made it. Had my counseling session today also and Kris (same spelling and all!) said when she gets really pissed off she writes letters to people that are truthful instead of fake and full of "oh I'm so happy" kind of things - but she doesn't send them. I told her I was blogging/journaling and it seems to be helping somewhat. I thought it was funny though when she said she likes to write Easter letters that say Happy F****** Easter to you. I'm not trying to offend anyone - really - but when you are as depressed as I am, any kind of smile, giggle, or acknowledgment that something amuses me is a good thing.

I didn't get much time to read a lot of my favorite blogs tonight - but NV I do believe Astroturf may be the way to go. Maybe you can find some on Craigslist. haha! When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer my friends husbands would fight over who was mowing for me that particular week. Before that, not one of them offered - but my teenage lawn boy does a good job. He even wears eye protection when weed eating - I love that!!

I am thrilled to hear that Judge Sotomayor was confirmed for the Supreme Court today - way to go. I love women that are strong, opinionated, caring, gracious and always try to do the right thing. I believe that's why I have such a strong support group here in my little town - we have some amazing women around here.

Well this is the most confusing blog ever I'd say - you'd think I had schizophrenia (I don't, I swear). Just random thoughts flooding my mind. No wonder I can never sleep -

TGIF tomorrow - 8 hours and home for 2 days by myself. I may even get some projects done.

Remind me to talk about Kelly Rae Roberts tomorrow - she's amazing.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Hump Day

It really does feel like a hump day today - so many of the blogs that I read had cryptic sounding things to say. Too much rain, too hot, too humid, bedrooms not looking the best, kids drawing on walls next, can't find time to do all they want to do, husbands not doing the "one" single thing that was asked of them.

Some days I feel so fortunate to be a single person who can do what she wants when she wants. Then are days when I am so down and depressed that I would love to have someone sitting on the other side of the room who could just "be" - they don't have to talk, fix anything, watch anything, give opinions - just be.

I made it to work today with much self talk. I really do not enjoy the headaches I've been having - is it from the anxiety meds or the new anti-depressants? Who knows? Plus I need to sleep - many, many hours in a row. If I'm not tossing and turning then my dog, Henry, is moving from one spot to the next. I swore I'd never let him sleep in my bed - I was going to be a strict owner - I should have thought of that before I brought home a month old puppy before I was done with chemo and it was in the middle of winter. I am the worse dog mom that I know. He's so spoiled!! I would have never let my son get away with the things this dog does. I'm too old to care now I guess................oh well.

I think journaling aka blogging is helping me get back to a sense of who I am, what's been going on and bringing out my creative side once again. When I was battling ovarian cancer I journaled on Caring Bridge and it was wonderful. Everyone could keep up with how you were doing, I didn't have to retell my story over and over again and all of my friends and family loved knowing how I was doing, what I was doing and what I needed just by reading a few paragraphs. But when certain people started using it as an excuse to never be in touch with me on a personal level - well I quit writing. I felt as if I couldn't be myself any longer - I think I love the being anonymous person - not knowing who reads this, not wondering what someone thinks, just writing about what I'm feeling and letting it go at that.

Would I like a 1,000 followers? I don't think so - that's a lot of pressure. But I love that those of you who do write daily do it in such a joyful way. I laugh a lot. I get inspired. I know I am not alone.

Take care.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Made my day

I have one follower - woo hoo. NV from This D*amn House wrote me a note - and honestly it made my day. I realize my blog is not very upbeat right now - but it will be when my medicine starts to really kick in and work.

I used to have a little side "business" that was called Soothing Panes - I painted on old windows and sold them. I drew with permanent marker on one side and painted on the back of the window so they had a 3-D effect. All I wanted was a little validation that I had some kind of talent - did one craft show and sold out and that was good enough for me. I had grown up always doing some kind of art project - and took private art lessons when in 9th grade. I wanted to go to design school but my dad put his foot down on that one - you can't make money doing that. So I followed orders, H.A.T.E.D. it, ended up being a nanny on the East coast which I adored, and somehow ended up back in the Midwest, a single mom with a lovely son who is now grown and out of the house. I do love all things decorating though - so while I am feeling so down and out I read the blogs and find myself feeling as if Calgon took me away - which is weird cause I hate to take baths. I'm a shower girl.

Well I started the new meds yesterday - they placed me on Abilify ($487 dollars if you don't have insurance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - that is just uncalled for. These small blue pills better be the antedote I need - but they take a few weeks to kick in. What do you do in the mean time? I'm take 2 other drugs + going to therapy and I still feel at the lowest I've ever been. If I could sleep for 12 hours straight with no interruptions, make it to work, finish some projects around my own house, feel like "playing" with my friends instead of wanting to be holed up alone - that would bring me much joy.

Wednesday is a new day and I am going to make it to work - that is my goal. Thanks to all the bloggers that put there heart and souls out there, make me laugh, teach me things, support one another the way women should, and seem to really enjoy what they do. What did we use to do before the internet? lol


Saturday, August 1, 2009

What can possibly happen next?

I am a huge fan of the decorating blogs and find myself going there to "get away" from things. I just read the funniest site called thisdmnhouse - whomever writes it is a hoot!

Well I woke up yesterday and could hardly move my body hurt so much. This was the 3rd day of this type of body ache but they seemed to be getting worse. So at 6:30 on Friday morning I am reading the inserts to the new drugs they've put me on and what does it say? "If muscle and joint pain persists call the doctor immediately". Of course it says that. I just paid $40 for the co-pay and took 9 pills out of the 60 they gave me. I called and left messages before 7 and they finally called me back about 11. Stop taking the drug. Really? Give the weekend to let it get out of my system totally and then start Abilify on Monday. Oh, and I can take as much Klonopin this weekend as I need for anxiety - is that an incentive? I talked to my friend Nancy in CA who is also an OVCA survivor and she takes this Abilify - she said she can't take the whole dose - it's like being on speed. Since I've never had that experience before I don't know what to expect - my poor co-workers.

So today my body doesn't hurt quite as bad as it did, but I'm so tired yet. Have my own decorating projects I'd like to get done and can't find the energy really. That and somehow pink snap-on screwdriver has disappeared and my son won't pick up his phone so I can if he used it during his move. I need it to take down some curtain rods.

The weather is gorgeous today and for that I am so thankful - who would think on August 1st you could have all of the windows open, the sun out and a breeze blowing through your house? Love it.