Made it through the day

today! God I'm so glad it's over. My head hurts and I'm exhausted and want to eat the wood off the furniture because I am that stressed and when I am stressed I want to eat. Need I say more?

I had a good visit (is the doctor ever good?)with the neurologist Dr. Lisa Viola. She seemed very educated - another plus - and she DID NOT make me feel as if I was there for no reason. She did a series of tests with me and then stated that it could be a variety of issues but we did some VER test that showed me a lot of black and white squares that moved constantly with a little red square in the middle. Something about the optic nerve. I had electrodes on my head and then an eye patch over each eye as you did each side twice. That's what gave me the headache. Can't believe it hasn't gone away yet. Then she ordered and MRI of the brain for Thursday and in a few weeks I will be going to see a Dr. Sweatman for a neuropsych cognitive testing consult. Same office - different specialty of neurology. So I'll be all doctored out by the end of October - and will be hoping for good results. You always pray for them to tell you it's nothing but on the other hand - what is causing all this confusion, vision changes and memory loss? You know?

Patrick went with me, my sweet boy, and I wondered if he was having flashbacks to when he'd accompany me to all my oncology visits and sit there and ask questions, and watch me closely as they poked and prodded their way around my body. Way too much for a 20 year old boy - I don't care what people say.

Other then that - I will have to talk to my mom and aunt in a few minutes about the test results. Have resolved to stay off the phone for any reason until after 9:05 or wait til the weekend - I ran over on my minutes for the 2nd time ever last month and my bill was a whopping $136!!! I about passed out. So if you don't have Verizon - don't call me or think I'll be calling you. lol

Tuesday already tomorrow - feel as if the days are just rushing by. Hope all is well.

Til next time.

Sunday

How does time fly by so fast and I'm not having that much fun? Seriously!!! I went to work on Friday and struggled all day just getting through. From being tired beyond belief to not being able to concentrate well enough to get much accomplished I don't know which was worse. I was in bed by 8:30 on Friday and slept until 5:30 Saturday - got up for a while and worked on my collage I'm making and then it was nap time for a couple of hours.

Sandy and I went to Watertown and did a little shopping and then came back and watched Julie and Julia - which I loved by the way. The book and the movie were about the same and I love, love, love Meryl Streep. She was a hoot.

Had to call the cops last night because the college boys next door just would not give up and go to bed last night. 2:30 a.m. and they decide to start using their keg and garbage can as drums. That was it for me. Made the call and by 3 I think the police had been there and all was quiet. I live in a college town, in the area where kids rent, so I try to give a lot of leeway - I mean, I have a 22 year old for God sake, I know what they do - but enough is enough some times. I had hit my limit, that's for sure.

Up early again today and went in to work for 4 hours to make up the four hours I'll miss tomorrow when I go to the doctor's for my neurology appointment. Am not feeling really anxious right now - but we'll see how that is tomorrow afternoon when we are driving that way.

How do you deal with a loved one that has gotten her life in to total disrepair and then proceeds to lie about it over and over again as if everything is fine? My sister tells my parents one thing, me another and her estranged husband something entirely different. Doesn't it get old and wearing trying to remember what lies you told to whom on which day? I'm losing it and I'm not even the person who is trying to do it.

My eyes feel as if they want to close so I'd best sign off. A big thanks to NV for her continued pep rallies for me - they bring a smile to my face. Til next time.

Kris

I'm back

from my little trips. Iowa was so much fun once we got there - Patrick and I were arguing within 2 blocks of the house because he didn't want Henry "touching" him. For God Sakes child - it's a dog and you are going to be 23!!!!!! I stopped the car and told him to get out for old time sake. Once that was over we were all fine - I even let him drive the last 3 hours of the trip because it was dark out and I didn't even have a panic attack. ha!

So Iowa, as I said, was very nice. The kids loved having us there watching them race, I got way too much sun and am paying for it today with a nice peeling face (yuck!), my aunt Becky came down to watch also and I haven't seen her in forever so we traded fibromyalgia stories (she has to use a cane to walk), we had great food all weekend, sat and laughed with my sister in law, loved on my nieces and nephews - which usually means I gave them money for things their parents refused. And my son got to go out with his Uncle to the infamous Clipper - a hole in the wall dive that he has heard about since he was a little boy. He, Wade, and Darrell went out for a couple of drinks and Patrick came home feeling no pain. Oh the joys of alcohol when you are young.

I've been away at a business trip the past two days and it was the most boring drive EVER out there and back. I hate driving!! And next week I have to drive to Sioux Falls twice for doctor appointments - on separate days of course because nobody can accomadate you these days and save gas, time, etc. I am so looking forward to the neurology appointment - I'm sure you are bored hearing that. My son will accompany me in case there would be bad news - although he did ask tonight if I'll know anything for sure Monday or are they just running tests. I don't know - I've never met her, you know?

Have been sleeping like a rock lately and really think my triple threat of meds has started to even out my depression. Hallelujah! So combine that with my therapy sessions and hopefully getting no bad news next week and I will almost feel like a new person. It's been a LONG TIME since I've heard the real me coming out of my mouth - that's weird, right? But it's true.

Am looking forward to the weekend and the promise of cool weather. My BF and I are going to do a little shopping. My newest niece should be making her appearance in the world in the next couple of weeks and I've not bought a thing yet. That's horrible. I need to get with the program.

I hope this finds you well. Til next time.

Can you say "repeat after me"

I just read my entry and lo and behold it looks pretty much like the last one. See why I am going to the neurologist? Something is wrong. I can't remember a damn thing one day to the next. One hour to the next. One minute to the next some days. FRUSTRATING!!!

Sorry for all the repeated stuff - til next time.

Made It Through Thursday....

I honestly think things just might be progressing in the right direction these days - although that is a super scary thing to say out loud, let me tell you. My therapist had a late cancellation yesterday so I went in at 5 and wondered what we were going to talk about and we ended up talking about God, prayer, forgiveness and grief. This month is the 3rd anniversary of losing my beloved cousin Heidi to Multiple Myeloma at the tender age of 42 and I've never had time to grieve her untimely death. So working through my grief and really getting to the core of that will be the next big challenge now that the meds seem (fingers crossed, hoping with all hope)to be putting me at that much needed plateau. I am even going to try massage therapy to get at where the grief is locked. That'll prove to be interesting.

So I stayed home yesterday and rested, did my therapy, picked up my pills and all was much better today. I am almost caught up at work, my boss was ok with my missing work as long as it was for Mental Health issues again - I think I scare him. ha! We are heading to Iowa tomorrow for the long weekend to spend time with family, I have staff training 2 days next week out of town and the following week will be all about doctor appointments. Lovely.

I didn't get any projects done today except for getting the oil changed. Forgot to get gas and the car washed - imagine that, me forgetting something. Guess I'll try to do that early in the day so I'll just load the car up at noon and we can be on the road right around 5. Am loathing the trip - but looking forward to hanging out with the kids. Patrick loves being with my brother - and it's always fun to watch them together. Wade might act like a big jerk - but he's a big ole pile of mush inside. Kind of like me - not the jerk part, but I try to act strong and as if I don't need any one.Lies. All lies.

They are predicting gorgeous weather this weekend and no chance of rain. I am so looking forward to that as well. Have a safe weekend everyone and if you are traveling - safe travels to you as well. Til next time.

I was right

I woke up this morning with a horrible headache, coughing and my upper back hurting. And dead tired.

I need to say that this is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. Please go to the National Ovarian Cancer Alliance to read up on the symptoms of this "silent killer". It is a hard cancer to detect - you don't find it at your pap unless the gynecologist feels the tumors. The CA 125 test isn't a good blood test to have unless you already know you have cancer and they use it as your marker. There are too many false positives. The symptoms that you read about are normal things that most women have at some point in their lives - the thing to remember is that if these symptoms are NEW to you and last 3 weeks or more, then you need to run, not walk, in to your physician and asked to be screened. Demand it. 22,000 women are diagnosed each year and 15,000 die. Those are horrific statistics. Let's stop my beautiful friends from getting their angel wings this year from this horrible disease. Early detection is the only way to have a chance to beat this thing.

Well I am going to take a nap. Am exhausted. Til next time!

Tuesday and starting on the downward spiral......

...I've worked the last 8 days in a row. A new record since I started with this severe depression mode. Yesterday it was like I was on speed - I couldn't get things done fast enough, then I came home after 8 1/2 hours at work and recovered a footstool, spray painted a lamp and recovered the lamp shade. Then I couldn't sleep. So today I'm absolutely exhausted and afraid to lay down for fear of no rest again.

I do feel as if the medicine must be starting to take hold - it's been 5 weeks - but it's still right there at the surface. I can feel it like a ticking bomb..........you know when you can feel all the emotions right there but can't get them out? I think the revved up energy is just a way to shut out the thing I'm supposed to be working on and that is me, myself and I.

We are heading home this weekend to Iowa so that'll be a real test. Haven't been there in over a year I think. 3 days with my family - my brother and his wife and kids - the dog is coming with us, my son is also coming along. He wants to see "his people" as he puts it. At least I won't have to make the 5+ hour drive alone.

Next week I have to be out of town for 2 days for training and the following week I have the neurology appointment and the med management appointment. Of course on 2 separate days and in SF so I can drive 104 miles round trip each time. Why don't doctors assist more with coordinating of times?

I am so tired...........gotta get some sleep. Til next time.