Late this afternoon after dozing for an hour or so, I woke up and just sat and really listened to my thoughts and I realized why I wasn't feel well. FEAR. Again. Rearing it's ugly head in my life and blowing things out of proportion. Do you ever have this? Tomorrow is my therapy appointment and we are going to be discussing this massage therapy thing that we are trying so I can find where my grief is buried in my body and hopefully get it released. When I start talking of my grief I tend to start crying uncontrollably and then I stop it just like that. I can't let it go. I just can't. I'm afraid what will happen if I just let it all go - but I don't know why. And even though my side does hurt and I am wondering out loud if I can do the massage on Monday - my friend Patty said, of course you are going - I realize it is fear that makes me question if I can do it. What IF she really does find the grief spot and I can't quit crying? What if I become depressed again? It's all of the what if's that are killing me these past few months. I suppose that in 20 days I have my follow up appointment at the oncologist doesn't help either. What if my CA 125 is up? What if they find something? I'm not ready for another battle yet - I'm still trying to resolve the first round and almost lost my mind in the process. It's a horrible thing, this thing called fear. I hate it. And it makes me hate other things I normally enjoy - like work. like therapy. like book group. like going out with friends. like blogging. What will people think if they know I am afraid? Who cares what they think? What do I think? I think I'm whacked out of my mind some days and to be afraid all the time sucks. But I'm so much better and I deserve so much more then I let myself feel or accept.
The fear/grief/anger is sitting right there to be plucked out - and then what? Maybe what I'm really afraid of is living.
Spending the weekend in the 1800's
12 hours ago