life has been tough

these past few days. I am feeling fine on the weekends because I have nobody to answer too, cannot give out dumb answers, don't have to "remember" a thing, can sleep if I like, and then along comes Monday and before 7 in the morning I am crying and anxious and feeling like someone is forcing me to do something I desperately don't want to do. Go to work. Actually, it's not even about going to work - it's about leaving the house. I can see why people become agoraphobic - I really can. If I could figure out a way to get the groceries delivered I do believe I'd stay right where I am. How I'd pay for it is another thing - but it would be my wish right now.

I had an emergency meeting with my therapist today. She is concerned I'm not sleeping yet even though I'm on Klonopin 4 times a day. I was still wide awake at 1:30 this morning and my poor dog is looking at me as if he is wondering are we ever going to bed? Then I laid there and just thought about so many things. I did some praying for people that are in need, I prayed for myself, I thought about my sister and how angry and hurt I am feeling by her actions, and I must have finally drifted off to sleep because I did wake up to the alarm. I planned on getting right in the shower, do not turn the TV on, don't talk to Henry, don't do this, don't think about work - just go, and the next thing I know I am about paralyzed with fear and losing it. I cannot lose my job because I need the benefits because of my cancer history - it doesn't appear I can to inpatient treatment because I'm not suicidal, it doesn't appear I'd be a candidate for disability benefits and it would be like 100 days until you know if they would be approved. I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I am taking my medicine as ordered, I have stopped watching the news so things don't upset me, I haven't been listening to NPR on the radio unless it's something like a cooking show or the car talk guys, I keep to myself, I don't lie to people when they ask me what's wrong, and yet I don't feel any gears shifting yet. I know it takes time - but come on, how long do I have to wait?

My therapist told me today that my goal for the morning should be to get to work - she doesn't care if I sit there all day and just stare in to space, she wants me to go. She believes that is what my boss is trying to get across to me as well - they don't care if I might sit there and cry, they just want me in my chair. They don't want me to lose my job. They are doing more then any employer I can think of would do. I'm only the secretary for god sake - but Gary did say something today that I may have to think about seriously - I work in probation, and he wonders if all the negativity I see day in and day out is somehow affecting me in a bad way. I work with criminals 8 hours a day and sometimes it's the same ones over, over and over. They never get it. Sandy has been saying that to me for weeks - that it's my job - but until Gary said it the way he did this morning, it just may be true. Who wants to hire a woman with a history of ovarian cancer and would insurance even cover me? God who knows.

Nobody is following this blog and that's ok. I am writing as an outlet because I miss writing on the Caring Bridge site. My parents don't know about this site so I can be truthful in my writing and not "edit" myself so they don't feel hurt. I have to do what is right for me.

I do have some prayer requests though - and believe me, I ask my Aunt Penny for prayer requests all the time as she has a Blue Angels prayer chair that she is part of - but as far as my being a religious person, I'm not really. I believe in God. I'm Methodist now but grew up Catholic and still carry my rosary around in my purse (old habits die hard), and I believe there are many angels that watch over me - Heidi, my grandma Jean and my great-grandma Leskie especially. But today I learned that Lyndsie from the website danielandlyndsie.blogspot.com most likely is dealing with her 3rd bout of ovarian cancer. She is 23 years old, just got married in April to the man she has loved since she was 14 and moved in to their new home. She is a Godly woman - inside and out. Her MRI is scheduled for Thursday - pray, pray, pray it is just a little fluid and not another mass. She needs to be well so she can live the life that she's dreamed of for such a long time. And pray for my Aunt Patricia as she has surgery tomorrow to take out a mass from her colon - they are hoping it is non-cancerous - and I so hope that will turn out to be true. She had breast cancer back in the early 70's. Breast, Ovarian and Colon cancer tend to run in families - and on my mom's side we've had them all. Makes me sick.

Oh and pray that I make it to work tomorrow - I AM GOING!!! I just need to tell people that I'd rather not discuss why I've been gone - it's so raw. I never in a million years though that this would be my life - I don't ask why - I just watch it from afar and think wow - what next.

Peace til next time...
Kris