It's Here

It's here. The 2nd anniversary of my being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Cannot believe it. Seems like yesterday. Seems like a life time ago. I believe I am still in disbelief of what my life has been like for the past two years - it is nothing that I would have imagined for myself. Ever. It NEVER happens to you, right? Right? My friend S says Cancer Vacuums. She's right.

I have been dealing with such dark days the past couple of months and I really wanted to "celebrate" my way this year. Alone. Ate junk food, watched hours and hours of HGTV and The Food Network (I don't get those channels) and cooked out. All by myself with my weiner dog Henry as my companion. P loaned me her home while she was on vacation. I am so thankful.

Last year S and I celebrated by doing random acts of kindness on the 1st anniversary. It was so much fun!!!! I made up little cards that said "You have just received a random act of kindness. Please pay it forward when you are able. Thank you for celebrating my one year of survival from ovarian cancer." We went thru drive throughs and paid for the cars behind us and the cashier would give them the note, we went to the zoo and paid for a family of 5's entrance fee, we went to a restaurant and paid for someone's meal, we went to the local photo developing place and pulled a name out of the box waiting to be paid and paid it for them, we stopped by a bus stop and gave $20 to some young boys who looked like they were hungry, we gave money to two families on the pediatric cancer floor who needed assistance, left a $20 tip for the waitress, paid for a family to go to the swim park, and paid for somebody's gas (it's was $3.50 something a gallon last year, remember?). It was the BEST DAY and most fun I've had in many, many years.

Lest, you think I have money. Please. I barely make $25,000 a year, am single, had just gone through a year of hell on earth, etc. But you see, I have the most amazing support system that you could ask for - and the previous March my friends had got together and had a benefit for me and raised almost $9,000. I used some of that money to celebrate random acts of kindness - because there was no better way for me to give back - and it felt as if every single person who had bought a raffle ticket, or came by to have lunch, or bought a dollar ticket to win a prize was with us that day and paying it forward again.

When my beloved cousin Heidi was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma she eventually lost her job because she was hospital bound for 13 straight weeks the first go around - which meant COBRA insurance until they could get her on disability. I had friends, who had NEVER before met Heidi pay for that insurance for the 5 months it took for her to get disability. And they said pay it forward when you can. These are the same people who paid for my cell phone bill so that I would not go over on minutes and could talk any time of the day without fear of how much it cost, because I was home for 6 months and I needed a connection to the world.

I've always been a volunteer. I love helping others. I love to "fix" the problems. I love to research ailments. I love to organize get togethers so that our friends stay in touch in this oft-fast paced world. But it is hard to receive. To reach out. To ask for help. To let others know that you are scared. Afraid. Hurting. Yet, still they came. Food brought over. Checked on daily. Rides to the doctors. Days off from work to accompany me to chemo. There to pack my wound sites when I had infections. Listening. Assisting. Even when I didn't know what I needed. Even my beautiful boy - 20 at the time - staying near, checking on me, sleeping on the couch while I dozed in the chair, taking me to the ER in the middle of the night - loving me like a son loves his mom and realizes I might be gone sooner then later. We are so close. Always have been.

I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful.

And I am terrified.

Every single day.

That "IT" will come back and this time it'll be too much.

But today I am still here. I celebrated the way I wished too. I am loved. I am lucky to be alive.

Kris

Making it Through Monday

For anyone that has gone thru a cancer diagnosis or a serious illness of any kind I wonder if you go over the days up to that diagnosis when it comes around to the "anniversary" date. I do. People will tell me to "just let it go" - but how do you let something like that go when it has forever changed your life?

In September of 2006 I lost my dear friend & cousin, Heidi, to Multiple Myeloma. 42 years old. She was diagnosed end stage in July of 2003 - and she fought that awful disease with everything she had until she finally let go on the 26th of the month. I thought I had an idea of what cancer was because I had been one of her caregivers. I didn't have a clue.

January of 2007 I found out my good friend Linda had been diagnosed with Stage IV Ovarian Cancer - she died June 1st. WHAT? 5 flipping months? Our kids grew up together, she was just an amazing woman, so kind, always there for you - and gone just like that.

Imagine my surprise on July 16th, a mere 6 weeks later, to have gone to work in the morning as usual, went home for lunch, came back from lunch and started to have short bursts of pain on my right side whenever I would reach for the phone or turn to greet someone at the counter. The next morning I could hardly stand up straight in the shower, so I went to work, called the clinic to make an appointment. I thought they were going to tell me I was constipated - not that it was a problem for me before - but that's what my friends and I decided. I left for my app't at 9:00 a.m. on July 17th and returned to work at 8:00 a.m. on January 2, 2008. Stage III Ovarian Cancer. Again, WHAT?

So this is the "week" leading up to my anniversary - and 2 years out I find myself physically ok (or that's what my blood work says any way), but mentally I am a bigger wreck then at any point since my diagnosis. When does the fear leave? When do you start just living life again as if you've never been through 2 years of hell? Is it truly different for every person? Are my supporters sick of me being sick? 'Cause I am. It's horrible. I need to work for the insurance but I would much rather stay home and figure out what I can do to best fight this thing called cancer, how to help others during their own journey, to assist others through the paperwork that becomes a full-time job in and of itself, to research on the internet for new drugs, new things to try, etc. Why can I take care of everyone else but can't seem to get my own act together?

Kris

Can't sleep

It's Sunday night and 11:24 and I need to be up and going by 6. Does that make me anxious? Yep. 'Cause I'll wake up and start stressing about all I have to do at work tomorrow, why am I so tired, I should have gone to work this afternoon and got some more stuff done, but couldn't make myself do it. I did go to my friend P's house though and she grilled out and that way Henry (my doxie) could run like a crazy man. He loves go to his aunt P's house - her animals don't so much like him being there - but it's only for a while.

So my advice today was K was to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. My friend S called and said I need to try acupuncture - that it would definitely help. I just want to feel better.

My sister called to check on me too. I hate that she is having a hard time and then feels like she can't talk to me or lean on me because I'm feeling depressed. It's not fair to her or to me. I have lots of good advice and am a good listener (although I may not remember a damn thing you've said because of my short term memory loss) - but I try!! lol It is a vicious cycle.

I hope if people start looking at my blog that it'll become a place that can be free to speak what is on your mind. Have a good week - I'm praying that I will. My goal is to work every day this week - then celebrate my 2 year survival of ovarian cancer next weekend.