Stepping Outside the Box

Did anyone catch Oprah yesterday and her Stepping Outside the Box program? I thought it was fascinating and it confirmed that I am doing the right thing by signing up for Brave Girl Camp next spring. Each of the women shown were around my age and all different backgrounds - yet they all lived with the same problems basically. In their 40's, not feeling great about themselves and wanting to do something to gain back their self confidence and prove they are still worthwhile to themselves and those around them. I don't know if I could have jumped out of a plane or ran naked in to the ocean - but I can start by going by myself to Idaho and spending 4 days with women I don't know and embark on an amazing journey that I hope will leave me feeling joyful and alive.

Each day people step out of their comfort zone and try new things and yet for some, fear stops you. Why is that fear there now in later years when I can remember clearly being carefree and willing to do or try all sorts of new things way back when.

Having a child was part of it - I mean I couldn't even watch Patrick swing on the swings way up high like I loved to do as a kid - it freaked me out. What if he fell off, what if he jumped and got hurt? It drove me crazy. Did my mom feel that way? I actually don't remember her sitting and watching me swing on the swings. We were daredevils on the swingset - and even unhooked the swing from the hook one time while we had 2 of us on the swing - one standing, one sitting so we could go higher. Took quite a tumble - but got right back on.

It was the same with flying. Before Patrick I loved to fly and travel - after Patrick I worried all the time about what if.......the only thing that made it better was that if we were together then we'd go down together. That's not good is it?

So what do you do to step outside of the box? Any plans? Do you do it daily? I'd love to know.

Til next time.
Kris

I love my boy!!!

Whenever my son, who is almost 23 starts to not answer his phone or text me back I KNOW in my heart that things are bothering him. Yesterday at 4:00 I was trying to get him to turn around from where he was going and come back to town so we could talk - I just knew something wasn't right. And today, he stopped by the house, we went to get a bite to eat and he told me he cried the rest of the way on his trip yesterday. He hasn't done that in a long time.

I think he's fallen in love with a girl who feels the same way about him - but she shows her love in a different way because she's been hurt deeply in the past. Hey - this mama knows about that stuff. I lived thru it with his dad. So we had a discussion about that and I think he got some perspective.

What else is wrong buddy? He's worried about me. Now that will break any mom's heart. It's supposed to be the other way around you know? I am working so hard on trying to break this depression I am in. I am afraid every single day that my cancer will rear it's ugly head at the most inopportune time - and unfortunately, he knows that. We have been a team of 2 since he was 3 months old and there is nobody in this world that I love more. We don't keep secrets - that's a rule - but when he starts to pull away I know it's because he doesn't want ME to worry about him because I've got enough going on. NEVER too much when it comes to my boy though.

I so remember being his age (I had him at 22) and all the drama and changes and confusion you go through in your 20's. I tried to tell him for many years that if you think your teens are bad wait til your 20's. It's hard being an adult. Heck, I wish I wasn't one a lot - I'd love for someone else to just take care of it for me - yet I'm too damn independent to let someone else in to help.

I had my blood drawn today to see if my CA 125 has increased since June - should find out tomorrow or Wednesday. I despise waiting. I didn't get to work until noon today - am so tired all of the time, can't sleep, etc, etc, etc. Talked to the nurse who works for my med management nurse practitioner and then didn't hear back about what to do. She called me 3 times and then no answer? That is so weird.

And I only cried twice today - making progress? I hope so. I need to believe it'll all change when it's time.

Time for meds and bed - praying I can get some sleep.

Til later.

life has been tough

these past few days. I am feeling fine on the weekends because I have nobody to answer too, cannot give out dumb answers, don't have to "remember" a thing, can sleep if I like, and then along comes Monday and before 7 in the morning I am crying and anxious and feeling like someone is forcing me to do something I desperately don't want to do. Go to work. Actually, it's not even about going to work - it's about leaving the house. I can see why people become agoraphobic - I really can. If I could figure out a way to get the groceries delivered I do believe I'd stay right where I am. How I'd pay for it is another thing - but it would be my wish right now.

I had an emergency meeting with my therapist today. She is concerned I'm not sleeping yet even though I'm on Klonopin 4 times a day. I was still wide awake at 1:30 this morning and my poor dog is looking at me as if he is wondering are we ever going to bed? Then I laid there and just thought about so many things. I did some praying for people that are in need, I prayed for myself, I thought about my sister and how angry and hurt I am feeling by her actions, and I must have finally drifted off to sleep because I did wake up to the alarm. I planned on getting right in the shower, do not turn the TV on, don't talk to Henry, don't do this, don't think about work - just go, and the next thing I know I am about paralyzed with fear and losing it. I cannot lose my job because I need the benefits because of my cancer history - it doesn't appear I can to inpatient treatment because I'm not suicidal, it doesn't appear I'd be a candidate for disability benefits and it would be like 100 days until you know if they would be approved. I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I am taking my medicine as ordered, I have stopped watching the news so things don't upset me, I haven't been listening to NPR on the radio unless it's something like a cooking show or the car talk guys, I keep to myself, I don't lie to people when they ask me what's wrong, and yet I don't feel any gears shifting yet. I know it takes time - but come on, how long do I have to wait?

My therapist told me today that my goal for the morning should be to get to work - she doesn't care if I sit there all day and just stare in to space, she wants me to go. She believes that is what my boss is trying to get across to me as well - they don't care if I might sit there and cry, they just want me in my chair. They don't want me to lose my job. They are doing more then any employer I can think of would do. I'm only the secretary for god sake - but Gary did say something today that I may have to think about seriously - I work in probation, and he wonders if all the negativity I see day in and day out is somehow affecting me in a bad way. I work with criminals 8 hours a day and sometimes it's the same ones over, over and over. They never get it. Sandy has been saying that to me for weeks - that it's my job - but until Gary said it the way he did this morning, it just may be true. Who wants to hire a woman with a history of ovarian cancer and would insurance even cover me? God who knows.

Nobody is following this blog and that's ok. I am writing as an outlet because I miss writing on the Caring Bridge site. My parents don't know about this site so I can be truthful in my writing and not "edit" myself so they don't feel hurt. I have to do what is right for me.

I do have some prayer requests though - and believe me, I ask my Aunt Penny for prayer requests all the time as she has a Blue Angels prayer chair that she is part of - but as far as my being a religious person, I'm not really. I believe in God. I'm Methodist now but grew up Catholic and still carry my rosary around in my purse (old habits die hard), and I believe there are many angels that watch over me - Heidi, my grandma Jean and my great-grandma Leskie especially. But today I learned that Lyndsie from the website danielandlyndsie.blogspot.com most likely is dealing with her 3rd bout of ovarian cancer. She is 23 years old, just got married in April to the man she has loved since she was 14 and moved in to their new home. She is a Godly woman - inside and out. Her MRI is scheduled for Thursday - pray, pray, pray it is just a little fluid and not another mass. She needs to be well so she can live the life that she's dreamed of for such a long time. And pray for my Aunt Patricia as she has surgery tomorrow to take out a mass from her colon - they are hoping it is non-cancerous - and I so hope that will turn out to be true. She had breast cancer back in the early 70's. Breast, Ovarian and Colon cancer tend to run in families - and on my mom's side we've had them all. Makes me sick.

Oh and pray that I make it to work tomorrow - I AM GOING!!! I just need to tell people that I'd rather not discuss why I've been gone - it's so raw. I never in a million years though that this would be my life - I don't ask why - I just watch it from afar and think wow - what next.

Peace til next time...
Kris