Fort Hood

With tomorrow being Veteran's Day and today being the day of mourning for those killed and injured at Fort Hood I just wanted to express my deep sorrow at this. Every single time you turn on the TV something bad is happening - but when our own military and civilians that work on the base at Fort Hood, if you can't feel safe there then where are we to feel safe?

My brother served 8 years in the USAF and was a medic/firefighter. He saw first hand the side of war that many of us will never know. He keeps it all inside - where I believe it festers like an old wound that won't heal. I remember many times the talks we had after 9/11 and after he came back from either Kuwait or Iraq - I would threaten to call someone in the military and tell them that he needed help. He said they frown on that - you aren't supposed to need help. You are a soldier. It would make me so angry. Why would the military want someone who is suffering so to fight for our country. Who was going to fight for him?

He got married in 2008, left the military in July of 2008 and now has a wife and baby to look after. He is safe. But is he still part of the walking wounded? Yes, 100%. I see it in his writing, I see it when I see a photo of him holding yet another beer in his hand, I see it on his face that looks way older then the 29 years of age that his body had lived.

And now more people are suffering. People I do not know - but people I care about. I hope justice is served. I wish our men and women would come home - every last one of them and I wish there would never be another mass murder and I know my wishes, my prayers will not come true. They can't. This is the world in 2009.

Tomorrow I will thank the veterans I see, I'll contact my brother and see how he is and I'll remember those that are living over in Iraq and Afghanistan and pray they stay safe.

Til next time.

Kris

Brothers & Sisters

Do you watch Brothers & Sisters on Sunday nights? I LOVE THAT SHOW!!! Have loved it since the very first episode. But now, the character Kitty is sick with lymphoma and boy is it hitting home.

Last night they showed her pulling her hair out after her first chemo and I remembered.

I remembered sitting there in amazement that I could just run my hands through my hair and handfuls of hair would be there. And it didn't hurt. I think that surprised me most.

To take matters in to my own hands and make myself feel as if I had some sort of control during this battle I decided to shave my head before it got the best of me. It makes you feel so strong - there you go cancer you S.O.B. - take that!!!!

Of course last night I realized that I didn't actually do the dirty deed of shaving my head - my good friend Sheri and I sat out in my garage and shaved it off. She was horrified but didn't let me know until later. Said she cried the whole way home. I felt triumphant. Until last night.

I thought - what a horrible person I must be that I had somebody do that to me. I never once thought of Sheri's feelings - I just wanted to shave the d*mn hair off before it all fell out. Me, me, me. Cancer is all about the patient isn't it?

I'm so sorry.

I emailed Sheri today and apologized. We agree that watching our beloved Kitty is getting really hard - and the worst is yet to come.

I hate cancer.

Kris

Gratitude

Today is Sunday and I've worked both days of the weekend so that I could make up some of my lost time from last week and being sick. I have much gratitude for my employer and the chance to do this instead of being in the hole money wise and worrying about what I will do to make up the difference.

I have a friend, who started calling me every day when I was going through my darkest days of depression, and now that I am feeling well and rejuvenated - she still picks up the phone every single day and calls. I have so much gratitude for my friend Ella-Keen Goldsmith. She shows me what unconditional love is each day.

I have two brothers who have FINALLY taken the step to join Facebook and I'm filled with gratitude that they want to be my friend. You'd have to know them to know why this is a gratitude moment. lol

Til next time...
Kris

Stepping Outside the Box

Did anyone catch Oprah yesterday and her Stepping Outside the Box program? I thought it was fascinating and it confirmed that I am doing the right thing by signing up for Brave Girl Camp next spring. Each of the women shown were around my age and all different backgrounds - yet they all lived with the same problems basically. In their 40's, not feeling great about themselves and wanting to do something to gain back their self confidence and prove they are still worthwhile to themselves and those around them. I don't know if I could have jumped out of a plane or ran naked in to the ocean - but I can start by going by myself to Idaho and spending 4 days with women I don't know and embark on an amazing journey that I hope will leave me feeling joyful and alive.

Each day people step out of their comfort zone and try new things and yet for some, fear stops you. Why is that fear there now in later years when I can remember clearly being carefree and willing to do or try all sorts of new things way back when.

Having a child was part of it - I mean I couldn't even watch Patrick swing on the swings way up high like I loved to do as a kid - it freaked me out. What if he fell off, what if he jumped and got hurt? It drove me crazy. Did my mom feel that way? I actually don't remember her sitting and watching me swing on the swings. We were daredevils on the swingset - and even unhooked the swing from the hook one time while we had 2 of us on the swing - one standing, one sitting so we could go higher. Took quite a tumble - but got right back on.

It was the same with flying. Before Patrick I loved to fly and travel - after Patrick I worried all the time about what if.......the only thing that made it better was that if we were together then we'd go down together. That's not good is it?

So what do you do to step outside of the box? Any plans? Do you do it daily? I'd love to know.

Til next time.
Kris

The Flu?

Nope. Just a virus. Have been feeling horrible the past 3 days and can't seem to kick it. So in to the clinic I went today and she said let's test for H1N1 the "real" way. I didn't know there were different ways to test for the flu. Anywho...I had to go to the stupid hospital and have respiratory therapy do the test which involves saline up your nasal passages and the insertion of a small catheter that goes about 6 inches down and sucks out what they just inserted. And Voila - just like that I find out I DO NOT have the flu, just a plain old virus like I said. I should "rest it out".

Believe me I've slept so much lately it's crazy - I will be sitting here and the next thing I know it's two hours later. It doesn't interfere with my night sleep either which is the strangest part - I just sleep like a baby the whole night. Don't you hate it when you go to the doctor and they don't know what to call it so they tell you, you must have a virus. What kind??? is what I want to say. $30 copay for that? Oh well. I have my doctor's note like you used to have for school to get back in - I'm sure they'll let me work now also. I dislike the beginning of the month any way because it is so busy - and being sick doesn't help me one bit.

Thinking positive thoughts for tomorrow so I can work. Til then...

Kris

Sisters

Today my sister called seeming all happy and laid back causing me to let my guard down and instead was all in my face and confrontational. All because she wanted to know if I had talked to her soon to be ex-husband. My brother in law - who in my book will always be part of my family. What can I say? I love the guy and think she's doing the wrong thing. My opinion only.

My family is spread out a few hours from one another so we don't see each other very often - mostly holidays and once and a while more often. We got closer when I had cancer and that was a good thing because my sister and I had been pretty much estranged before that. Her choosing. Never knew what I had done to cause it or if it even had anything to do with me really. Now I'm the bad guy again because I'm not going to NOT say what I think if asked. Plus she used me as an excuse to meet her "boyfriend" on the weekend of my 2 year anniversary of surviving cancer - and was caught in the lie. Hurt does not begin to put in to words what I felt when I found out.

So today just caught me off guard and now I'm sitting here, not feeling well and angry again. I am supposed to be in control of how I react to these outbursts of hers but they just piss me off. I didn't cause this whole bad scene - she did. I'm not the bad guy. I didn't leave my husband. I didn't move my children out of a lovely home into an apartment that I've already been evicted from. I'm not talking to my brother in law about gossip - he calls me to see if I knew something because parents and children in Omaha talk - big town, but he still hears stuff. Life goes on.

I do love my family even when I don't agree with them - but don't lie to me and don't expect me to not speak up. I'm 45 years old and I'm not playing the games any more.

Til next time.
Kris

Why

I made it through yesterday feeling pretty good until I got home and called my parents and started crying. It's stupid really - but I have this thing about people (meaning my family) not only sending a card for birthday's, but also calling the person to tell them happy birthday. It's a celebration of the day of your birth for God sake - why wouldn't you talk to your family then? Well my mother had started the past few years of sending a card but not calling. Every year we get in to it about the no phone call - and that's in regard to me! It hurts my feelings that I'm not important enough to pick up the phone for. So when it happened to Patrick yesterday - it totally pissed me off (meaning it hurt me)- so I got phone from spending the day with my beautiful son and called and let my mom have it. As soon as I spoke my mind I started to cry.

I've had issues with this for year and it started with Patrick's dad. I swear the man does not know the day of his son's birth. I feel as if he does it to ME each year when he doesn't call - but what about Patrick? We came out of the movie yesterday and he has all these messages from the many friends he has and not one from a family member, including his father. If it were me I'd call my dad and say listen here - just like I did to my mom - but he's not like that. First off he's a guy and you probably don't do that - but you can't tell me it doesn't sting.

So our day together was so nice. We left about 10:30 for Sioux Falls and the weather was already warm and dry and the sun was shining. We ate at a placed called Carnval Brazilian Grill and it was amazing. We both loved the food immensely and Patrick is more adventurous then I am so he tried many more meats then I did. He loved every thing. My favorite was the parmesan cheese encrusted chicken - oh it was yummy. The gaucho's walk around with these large hot skewers with meat on them and slice it right at your table - and then you get all the side dishes you want up at the buffet. Crazy amounts of food. So once we were stuffed sufficiently off we went to a movie and saw This Is It - the Michael Jackson movie. Patrick wasn't a big fan of his, but I grew up with the Jackson Five and Michael's music himself and I sat and just bobbed my head the whole time. We both enjoyed the movie a lot - really interesting to see what it takes to put a show of that magnitude together. And after seeing it, it made me realize how manipulated I was by the media for making me think that he was this weak, frail human being - nobody can rehearse like that and have that type of vision when they are like that. Made me want to go out and dance the night away.Next we stopped at the casino so Patrick could jump in the money booth - and he got $26 bucks. Not a lot, but more then he walked in with. And then home it was.

I just have to say that the reason I get so worked up about my son, even though he's 23, is that if not for him I don't know where I'd be today. When I was in the horrible marriage with his dad - I left for Patrick. Not myself. And everything I did from there on out was for this precious child of mine. He never gave me any trouble, always told me he loved me, was smart, is tall and handsome, plays guitar like a maestro and he just loves life and life loves him back. You never stop being the mom I know - but wow, it's hard. I hope that I am on this earth long enough to see him marry, if he chooses, and to see his children be born. Full circle - what a miracle that would be.

Til next time.
Kris

Change

Have you noticed that everyone is changing their blog look these days? Everyone I go to has something new - so I decided to join the band and change mine too. I'm a Gemini so I get bored easily - but I love the new look and bead board is right up my alley so it fits me perfectly. I promise I'll quit playing with it. Am sure it gets infuriating.

So here it is Halloween and I'm not feeling well. By the time I got home last night my poor body hurt so bad I could have cried. The winter and fibromyalgia do not mix and all of these weather fronts going through are killing me. If I don't have charlie horses then I have aches that just don't stop. I finally took enough Tylenol to calm things down last night, then slept well so I woke up feeling better, but by 2 my head was hurting, I was ready to take another nap and I realized I just feel crappy. So much stuff going around these days - as long as it's not H1N1 I'll be fine.

Tomorrow is my baby boy's 23rd birthday. Where did the time go? It's like de ja vu every single year because I recall everything that happened - the time, what happened, what was done, who was there - it's a little weird but I bet every mom goes through that. Now he's a man but he's still my boy. Hard to let go even when you know you must. We are going to try a place called Carnaval tomorrow in Sioux Falls - it's a Brazilian Bar and Grille restaurant that he's been wanting to try. Should be interesting to say the least. I may stick to the salad bar which is apparently an amazing 2 stories high and 16 feet long? Can that be true?

I'm waiting for the baseball game to start but it's raining cats and dogs out in Philly right now. It may be a rained out game after all.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back.

And Happy Halloween!

Til next time...
Kris

Monday

Today was a good day in every way except that I found out a great friend of mine from high school dad died over the weekend. Just hate thinking that this is the age where our parents start leaving us. Seems unreal.

But everything else was grand - it was 50 something, the sun stayed out THE WHOLE FLIPPIN' DAY for a change and I had a really good report at the oncologist's. Don't go back until March 3rd unless there are issues that arise before then. My CA 125 is 7.4 which is better then last time, my weight stayed steady, my BP was nice and low and she couldn't feel any tumors which is great. Felt really good today when I was leaving there. This compared to 4 months ago when I literally was so depressed that I cried the whole time I was there and most of the way home. The wonder of drugs!! I hate taking them truth be told - but if it can help me then I can't say no. At least not right now.

Not much else going on today - just feeling happy. And that's a good thing!

Til next time...
Kris

HomeGoods - Wall Décor - Wall Hangings

HomeGoods - Wall Décor - Wall Hangings

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I'm just trying something new out. Everyone talks about Homegoods on their decorating blogs so I decided to try and see what they have. And voila! This gorgeous mirror above is just calling my name. Now if I could figure out how to make the damn website work I'd be a happy camper. Hope this comes out.

kris

Sunday

I think the sun is peaking out which is a GREAT surprise because they are talking snow/rain mix today. Love it!

My leg is finally starting to feel better - had a bad chiropractic experience and trouble walking correctly since then. Finally have it to where the Ben-Gay is working and I'm walking much better - which makes such a difference. I take for granted my legs working properly - but after the past couple of weeks, including 24 hours of major leg cramps, I'll not do that any longer.

Major drama going on with my sister and it just boggles my mind. I realize she is 43 and the driver of her own life - but the girl is messed up. She told us at the end of July that she was leaving her husband. We all love him - but she has to live with him so we are going to be supportive. 2 days later she has moved out with the kids and taken them away from the only father they have known in 10 years. Next we find out she's been having an affair and has used my depression to "get away" to be with the guy and telling her husband that she is with me "helping me". Whatever!!!! Now she's been evicted from the new apartment, moving in with a friend who has a 13 year old daughter and will live there until when. So imagine my surprise when my brother in law called yesterday to ask if I knew that my sister is moving to Iowa at the end of the kids semester to be with the new boyfriend. BAD, BAD IDEA. Her kids are 13 and 16 - do you think they want to move from the only place they've known as home to live with some guy they don't know? I am having a really hard time with it - you worry so much about the kids and I know my sister is just in survival mode right now and doing things that don't make sense to anybody but her. It's crazy stuff -

I am off to my oncology appointment tomorrow afternoon - have been going every 4 months the past two appointments. My blood work is good - so I am hoping they say 6 months for the next time. I don't even feel nervous - don't have any questions that I can think of and am looking forward to hearing - doing well, see you in a few months. After that I plan to start really work on taking care of myself in a way I've not done for a couple of years now. I am ready to do it and with my leg finally feeling better it'll be a lot easier to plan my strategy instead of worrying about what machines I could or couldn't use, etc. Will blog about that later as I get geared up.

Meeting my son today for a movie and then will clean up around the house some more. Am trying to get ready for Halloween - so many things to think about and what kids can eat. I don't get a lot of trick or treaters because I live in the University side of town and the college kids aren't much for giving out candy - but all of my friends bring their kids over and I try to get what they like to eat and some of them have allergies. I've got a few days. lol

Til next time....
Kris

Days.........

are all smudging together lately. It has been so dreary outside, except for Sunday, that I can hardly stand it any more. Seasonal Affective Disorder anyone? ha!

I just read Farmgirl Paints blog about her days at Brave Girl Camp and all I can say is I cannot wait - I am overwhelmed just by reading her experience that I can hardly imagine that I will be able to experience it myself next spring. I am so excited!!!

I've been suffering from those horrible leg cramps again and it is exhausting. I was up so much last night that I didn't go in to work today. And the cramps were still going on throughout the day. That doesn't normally happen. I am going to stretch really well before bed tonight and see if that helps me at all - I can't take much more.

I went through a rough night the other night with my sister. She is in the process of getting divorced and has done some pretty amazingly stupid and selfish things the past couple of months. So out of the blue she calls and asks to borrow some money - this from me, the person who has no money! $2,000 yet. How do people find the gall to ask for money from somebody they have used and hurt so much? I don't know - I'd say she has a real set of balls. Sorry. It's just how I feel. At first I said I could give her some - but the more I thought about it the more I knew it would never be repaid and this money would be coming from my medial account - because there isn't a lot in my personal savings that could be shared. And I ended up calling her back and telling her no. Am I the most horrible person ever? I keep trying to tell myself that it's okay to put myself first and protect myself - but what if the truth is that I'm just a defiant sister who doesn't want to help her sister who has been such a witch to me after we worked so hard to put our relationship back together. Do I OWE her something? I want to call and see what she did and how she worked it out - and yet, part of me doesn't care.

Enough of that - yesterday was my cognitive testing at the neuropsychiatrist's. Quite interesting. I did more repeating, math problems, trying to put diagrams together with blocks (which I could NOT do no matter how I tried), etc - it was just so interesting. I left knowing there weren't any glaring deficiencies (my memory loss, confusion, blurry vision issues are why I was there)but she had to score the tests and norm them against other people my age. I feel as if I have Alzheimers some days and I'm tired of people telling me it's because I'm 45.

Well it's been days since I've been on my computer so I'm going to catch up on the blogs I follow and head to bed early. Pray for sun tomorrow!!! And thanks for listening.

Til next time.
Kris

Days since the last blog!

Where did 5 days go exactly? I couldn't tell you. The week went by fast because we had Monday off for the holiday, I feel like I've been gone every single day but couldn't tell you where I've been and now my weekend is almost half over and I don't know how it got to be so late already. Wow. I'm losing it. lol

Today the sun finally came peeking through the clouds at about 3:00 - the first time in over a good week or so. It has been cold, raining, snowing and just plain bleak out for so long. Oh what a little sun can do for your soul.

This week has been about catching up with my friends. Wednesday night Susan, Sandy and I went to Applebee's where we then sat for the next 4 hours talking the night away while our waitress went by and stalked our table. We do this every few months at different restaurant's and ALWAYS give the waitress a double tip (each of us) because we know we are hogging a booth. It was nice to sit and chat and get caught up on each others lives. I told them about Brave Girl Camp - I don't think they get it but I am still as excited now as I was the first time I saw it on FarmGirlPaints blog. This morning, Saturday, we had breakfast club - our group of 12 of us that gets together once a month so that we can keep up on our friendships. 8 of us showed which is a good group - we sit at breakfast until lunch usually starts - and every time it doesn't possibly seem like it's enough time to be together.

This afternoon I met Sheri for a late lunch/early dinner to celebrate her birthday that was 3 weeks ago. See what I mean? There's just never enough time for everyone or everything that needs to be done.

It is supposed to be 60 tomorrow and sunny. I've been invited out to my friend Patty's house for Sunday lunch - I'll bring Henry along so that he and Gracie Jean can chase one another around Patty's small acreage. Henry loves going out there!!!

Is this the most boring blog you've ever read today? I'm boring myself. ha

I'll write more tomorrow when I'm feeling more with it.

Kris

Where is Fall?

It snowed again last night - second time already for us here in South Dakota. I am so hating it. It's dreary outside, little sun, wet white stuff hanging on everything, and the trees had just started to change. It's all I can do to keep myself cheerful and not fall back into a funk. Guess I'm glad to have medicine right now.

Just got back on Facebook - haven't been on since end of July - felt like it was the same thing over and over. I do like the fact that you can "chat" with those you wish too - but most people I have on the list asked to add me and now vice versa. God that sounds horrible! Anyway, today I found a bunch of people from my high school that I've been wondering where they are and they've appeared on Facebook now. All people that meant something to me so long ago. That's the cool part of the technology - but otherwise if someone is supposed to be in my life, they already are. Does that sound selfish?

Have decided I'm going to see if I can let my hair grow out for a while. After it came back in after chemotherapy - I didn't get curls or dark hair - mine came back in pure white and straighter then it was before if that's possible. Have been wearing it short for over 1 1/2 years now and I'm just ready for a change. If I can get past the growing out over the cowlicks I'll be pleased.

Today is a holiday for me so another day off. I sit here on the computer feeling GUILTY because I have so much to do for getting ready to host my book club next weekend and this weekend I haven't done a darn thing to even start. Why do I procrastinate so much? Always have. Does that mean I always will? God............I'd love to change that. I am, unfortunately, one of those people who if she gets something in her head - like decorating my living room or bedroom - I just do it and keep adding and layering and moving things around until it's perfect. But tell me something is happening in a week and I lolly gag around like I've got it all under control. It's an ugly habit for sure.

So back to work tomorrow for me - nice 4 day week, no Court as it's a holiday today so everything gets moved around, and I'll be able to play catch up this week which is perfect.

Til next time.

Kris

This D@mn House

NV at thisdmnhouse.blogspot.com wrote a post about domestic violence yesterday that really hit home to me and I had to comment.

You see I lived that life - twice. Two entirely different men in all ways but one - they both were mean. One hit, one didn't. One used manipulation, one didn't. Both used words that cut to the bone though and I'm sure you've heard about the women who say that at least if you can "see" the bruises you might believe what is going on behind closed doors - but the words are the worst. They take your soul, your esteem, your truth away from you. It took me years before I was able to look in the mirror and say I like who I am. I'm okay. I'm worth fighting for.

My first husband I hardly knew - we married young and after 6 weeks. He had hit me before we got married - but because I grew up trying to please a father who never could be pleased - I was sure if I loved this man enough, he'd stop and be everything I knew he could be. But he didn't. He couldn't. He grew up in a very abusive home himself and couldn't not get it that even though he wasn't beating me to within an each of my life - he was beating my very being out of me with the slaps, the pinching, the tearing of clothes, the going through my mail, the demanding to know where I was at all times, to hating my friends, to not allowing me to read, to not having a phone, to going as so far as to ask me who the father was of our child when I found out I was pregnant. I KNEW what was going on in my house was wrong - but I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship until someone had the guts to contact our family pediatrician and tell him their suspicions. I knew how to lie really well by then you see. So when my beautiful boy was 3 months old we went to his normal appointment and the doctor straight asked me if I was being abused. I denied it. Then I bawled. Then I said he never goes near the baby. See? All that in a short period of time. I was so shocked to hear the word abused I just babbled and lied and cried and denied all at the same time. But I rode the train home that day thinking the whole time that there was someone out there who cared more about me then I cared about myself. I left two weeks later. That didn't break the cycle because I still loved him - but it did get me away from him and on my own back near my family. And yes, it took years and a lot of therapy to get myself together again. I didn't know where I had gone. I didn't trust. I couldn't forgive. I couldn't love anyone but my son.

10 years later when my second husband hurt our cat on it's first weekend in our home everything kind of came in to place at that one moment. I didn't wait - not one single moment. I packed a bag, explained to Patrick that mom was afraid and we were going to stay somewhere for a while and left him standing there like what the hell just happened. All the things that had been going on became clear when he hurt that animal. How was I to know I wouldn't be next? I did try with him though - I did. I was a different person, I went to counseling while in the relationship, I was strong, I spoke my mind - but in the end he called me a bitch in front of my child as we were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner in 1996 and that was the end of him. We lived as roommates until I could find an apartment to move to and we left. I never regretted it - this time I left with my dignity intact but full of anger that I let this happen again.

I'm not a dumb woman. People think I'm fairly intelligent - but still a lot of people don't know my background. Only those close enough to me that I feel I can share with them my story. I've not dated in many years. Can't make myself even try because I'm a bad picker of mates. But I am a wonderful friend, a great mother, a daughter who tries to do the right thing, a sibling who loves her brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews and I am free to do as I please. I've been able to purchase my own home by myself, raise a beautiful son on my own, I have an excellent credit rating and I pride myself that I am self-sufficient. It can be done. You just have to believe that you are worth it.

I believe you are worth it.

Kris

October 9th

and they are talking snow for us tonight! Can you believe that? Supposedly our average high is 65 degrees and we've been lucky to get to the mid 40's lately - cold! Crappy snow! It's just plain depressing. I'm not ready for this.

Am feeling better today and accomplished a lot at work today. That makes me feel good. No big plans for the weekend as our trip to Omaha fell through. My friend Shawna is having a girls get together tomorrow night at the Barn - it's a hunting lodge that she and her husband made from their old barn and it is gorgeous with a capital G. The granite pieces in it, by themselves, are amazing. Should be fun. I'm thankful for a 3 day weekend as well - one benefit of working for the State. Fall and winter have a lot of holidays! Love that.

Henry keeps barking and I don't know what he's barking at. It's starting to irritate me. I haven't heard a thing of course. lol

Til next time.
Kris

Fear

Late this afternoon after dozing for an hour or so, I woke up and just sat and really listened to my thoughts and I realized why I wasn't feel well. FEAR. Again. Rearing it's ugly head in my life and blowing things out of proportion. Do you ever have this? Tomorrow is my therapy appointment and we are going to be discussing this massage therapy thing that we are trying so I can find where my grief is buried in my body and hopefully get it released. When I start talking of my grief I tend to start crying uncontrollably and then I stop it just like that. I can't let it go. I just can't. I'm afraid what will happen if I just let it all go - but I don't know why. And even though my side does hurt and I am wondering out loud if I can do the massage on Monday - my friend Patty said, of course you are going - I realize it is fear that makes me question if I can do it. What IF she really does find the grief spot and I can't quit crying? What if I become depressed again? It's all of the what if's that are killing me these past few months. I suppose that in 20 days I have my follow up appointment at the oncologist doesn't help either. What if my CA 125 is up? What if they find something? I'm not ready for another battle yet - I'm still trying to resolve the first round and almost lost my mind in the process. It's a horrible thing, this thing called fear. I hate it. And it makes me hate other things I normally enjoy - like work. like therapy. like book group. like going out with friends. like blogging. What will people think if they know I am afraid? Who cares what they think? What do I think? I think I'm whacked out of my mind some days and to be afraid all the time sucks. But I'm so much better and I deserve so much more then I let myself feel or accept.

The fear/grief/anger is sitting right there to be plucked out - and then what? Maybe what I'm really afraid of is living.

Let there be light!

Today the sun is shining!!!!! Did you hear me? The SUN IS SHINING! It's been so long it's hard to remember the last time it was out for an extended period of time. Wow. I love it.

The bad thing is that I'm home sick - have been coughing like crazy, and just feel like crap. But I get to LOOK at the sun and that makes me feel better.

I had to go to the chiropractor again on Monday. After my massage and chiropractor appointment last week I found myself in a lot of pain on Sunday night for no apparent reason. Had a hard time sleeping Sunday night because my right hip was just aching. So I hauled my rear back in on Monday and he tells me my left knee has something called "movie knee" which of course has a long, medical name. Well I did go to two movies this weekend so maybe? My right hip - who knows why it feels out again. Actually, when I go to the chiro after not going for a long time it seems they fix something and then I realize something else hurts even worse. It's a conspiracy. Anyway, after working on my hip, he was feeling up my spine (NOT LIKE THAT)and decides something is out on the upper part of my back and I swear to god he did his thing and I came up off that table like I was on fire. The pain in my right breast/rib area was so intense I thought he may have cracked a rib. 2 days later I still can't lay on my stomach like I want to because it hurts - so not sure what to do about the massage coming up on Monday. Anyone ever have this happen? I haven't and I've been going to the chiropractor for 14 years on and off.

I had to break down and turn the furnace on Monday night because it's just too cold and it had been raining for days so you know how that makes you feel achy on top of everything else. So one day of perfect 65 degree weather and back down it's going. They are talking highs in the 30's this next week and low's in the 20 degree range. It's October not January.

Til next time.
Kris

Another dreary day

WHERE IS THE SUN people? I haven't seen it all this week and it's getting me down. I need some sunshine - bright, yellow, burning sunshine - if even for an hour. I am going to pray that tomorrow is sunny - and if it is, I'm going to take Henry outside and for a walk and just bask in it.

Becky at Farm Girl Paints talked about going to Brave Girl Camp in her blog yesterday and she was kind enough to share what that is all about and barring no catastrophes I am going to start saving now and plan on going next spring/summer when they have the camp. It looks amazing, sounds amazing, and it will be a gift to myself for turning 46 and surviving the cancer for almost 3 years. I deserve it!!! I'm so excited.

We went to the craft show - my friend Patty calls them "crap shows" (I don't even know how I got a friend who doesn't like crafty stuff) - and it was fun. Sandy and I looked around, chatted with friends we saw then hooked with Marcene and we ate at the soup & sandwich luncheon. 2 meals - $9.00. How can you beat that??? It was wonderful. As I said, it's still raining, dark and miserable out here in SD and a warm bowl of homemade vegetable beef soup hit the spot. Then we had BBQ's as the sandwich and a choice of many homemade pieces of pie. Awesome lunch!!!

Then we went back to the Humane Society (left without another pet though - but they are all so cute!), and back to Sandy's where we played beauty shop. I know that is weird - but Sandy has worked hard to grow her hair out and she has a wedding next week and we are trying new styles out. It looked beautiful if I do say so myself. Now if I don't have to go to Omaha next weekend I just may go over and do her hair before the wedding. Her husband will be surprised I'm sure.

Once we were done playing my son and I went to see the movie The Informant with Matt Damon. What a hoot. I think it's supposed to be a dramedy - and I hope it was because for such serious material it was funny because the guy just didn't know when to quit lying. Or maybe he just COULDN'T quit. We loved it.

No plans for tomorrow right now - will wait to see what the day brings my way.

Til next time.
Kris

Friday already....

Well I figured out why I was not sleeping and feeling all out of whack again - it was because yesterday was my appointment for the massage therapy session that my therapist thought would be good for me to attend. I've never had a massage before - and this is to help me break through the grief I have pent up and can't seem to let out. I realized when I stepped in that room yesterday that I could have sat in the chair and just started bawling without even getting on the table, let alone having someone I didn't know massage me. That's weird right? Anyway..........I didn't cry because the girl talked INCESSANTLY the whole time about her animals and all of these horse terms that I didn't recognize or know about. But it was fine - it was exactly what I needed her to do - for the first time any way. It took my mind off what was going on and I was able to contain myself. That's not the point of this though - so next time I will be asking to be quiet so I can think of what I've lost and maybe get some kind of break through.

Thanks for Karen Anne for telling me what she does for the horrible cramps that I've been having again. I did drink about 30 ounces of water after I posted and that seemed to help a bit - but I was up during the night several times just crippled with pain. Yesterday I was fine - it just has no rhyme or reason - that is one of the frustrating things. I had a chem panel done not too long ago and my magnesium level is fine - as well as my potassium levels. I had this last year also and it's part of the fibromyalgia - which the massage therapist said she doesn't believe in (great) - but whatever it is, it hurts like hell.

Tomorrow my BFF Sandy and I are going to a couple of craft shows and then to a soup & salad luncheon. They swear the sun may shine tomorrow and be around 50 - I'll take it!

Hope you all have a great weekend - I hope too. Til next time.

Kris

Hump Day

You'd think I'd be really happy today and I'm not. I'm not sleeping well, my sleep is filled with weird vivid dreams that wake me shaken and then not remembering what they were about. I'm tired all day long and now that the summer has been skipped by and it's cool and fall now the old leg cramping has started up again with a vengence and they hurt so bad it almost has me in tears. My aunt Becky said she has these too with her fibromyalgia - but the rheumatoid doctor didn't think he'd heard of that particular complaint before. Maybe people forget because pain is pain and they don't always write stuff down. The thought of putting up with this again until next spring gives me a headache. Literally.

Well I went and purchased the vehicle yesterday and I felt as if I was signing my life away - and I really like the car, but feel kind of weird driving it. It is so NOT my trusty old Taurus. Kind of like I've been trying to wear my glasses more and it just doesn't feel like me yet - even though I've been getting really nice compliments.

Here is a "yeah" for Wal-Mart pharmacy. Our pharmacist, Tom, who has been behind the counter since we moved here in 1991 was a great help today. A couple of weeks ago I had to get a refill on my Lorazepam. I had been getting 30 at a time. My med management guy told them last time I saw him to start giving me 90 at a time since I take 1-3 per day now. Anyway, the pill bottle said 90 but everything else said 30, so when I reordered the insurance company denied it because they said it wasn't time yet - which would be true if I actually HAD GOTTEN 90 pills, you know? I had brought the bottle with me and told Tom what I thought had happened. So at the 5 o'clock rush he went through the bottles and counted out what they had and looked up what they should have and sure enough they were 60 over. He was so apologetic. I wasn't worried - I was just wondering if I had made an error or had only paid for 30 but 90 was written down - you know how those things are. He always goes above and beyond.

We are to get cold weather and a lot of rain in the next couple of days - so am not looking forward to that. Someone on the radio said, oh but we need the rain. Yeah, about 6 weeks ago when the crops were still growing. It's harvest time here - the farmers do no want rain right now. We need some heat and dry days so they can get the stuff out of the fields. Makes me sad how wet it's going to be. 1 1/2 - 2 inches of rain expected. Yuck.

Til next time.

Kris

Monday the 28th

Today was the most ridiculous day - first of all, I get to work and look at the calendar and realize I've forgotten to send my parents an anniversary card. 46 years - you'd think I'd get that down. Had to call and apologize tonight - way to go daughter.

8:05 a.m. started with phone calls to and from the auto place and talking to the service manager and sales manager. My transmission is shot - easy fix though - for $3,250!!!!! WHAT???????? Now where in the hell do they think I'm going to find that kind of money. I mean really. Sure, I can put it on my credit card, but even if I did have a slush fund with that kind of cash sitting around I could think of more important things to use it on. So long story short - they'll give me what I think is more then fair for my car that DOESN'T work and I am going to purchase another vehicle. It's a little older, but really low miles on it and it's sharp. They even drove it up to me tonight so I could take it to my mechanic tomorrow to have him look at it and I thought that was nice. Tomorrow I'll be driving a Grand Prix GT instead of my reliable old Taurus. I've owned Taurus' since 1995 - gonna be a change coming. ha

NV over at This D*mn House talked about the weather changes - I'll say. Supposed to be 32 degrees here tonight and I'm sitting here wrapped up in my blanket praying for warm weather because I refuse to turn the furnace on when it's still September! No way Jose.

I walked in the door tonight after all of this back and forth and test driving and asking opinions of everyone and their dog about what I should do and I wanted to just collapse. If I was still as depressed as before I would be heading for inpatient treatment ASAP = the way it is, I'm stressed beyond my comfort level, you know? I keep reminding myself to take deep breaths.

Til next time.
Kris

When it rains it pours....

Let me tell you about my hilarious day yesterday. It wasn't REALLY funny - but what else should you do but laugh when one thing after another keeps happening?

First off, I get up and it's beautiful and sunny outside. So I decide I am going to Sioux Falls for a few hours and spend the extra $100 I have since we sold our old car the other day and Patrick and I each got extra cash after deciding how much sales tax, license and title will take on the new one. God forbid I save a little of it. I wanted do to something for myself - have a little fun, you know.

I get to Sioux Falls and go to Dollar Tree because all the women on the decorating blogs talk about what good finds they get there. Particularly this one plate that has a basket edge on it - but there were only 3 left and I wanted at least 4. Picked up some other stuff, get to the check out and what, NO MONEY? No wallet, no drivers license, no ATM card and no credit card. Where is it?? Oh yeah, it's at home in the entry way where I LEFT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should have know it was going to be one of those days. I went to the branch of my bank in SF and they allowed me to make a withdrawal without ID because I had the answers to all of their other questions.

On the way home, at 78 MPH on the interstate my car decides to basically die - the rpm's went way up to 6 and then back down to zero and I was losing power fast. Got over to the side of the road. Put it in park. Let it sit and then put it in drive and nothing. I'm positive it's my transmission. So after sitting there and waiting for a tow truck, $115 ride, my car with less then 35,000 miles is sitting about 40 miles away from home waiting for a mechanic to look at it. Thank god for anxiety medicine that's all I can say. I definitely needed it.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. AAGGHH!!!!!!!!!! Disadvantage to living in a small town - no public transportation.

That's all. Til next time.

Kris

TGIF

I'd say TGIF today if I had gone to work - instead I was in bed most of the day with a raging sinus headache and low grade fever. Oh course - nothing in the house related to sinus decongestants seemed to exist! God I hate that. Anyway, a friend brought me some stuff and it did seem to help - but I waited 5 hours between doses and the headache is slowly coming back. Will do the 4 next time.

I do believe the sun just peaked out after a couple of days of nonstop rain and dreariness. The football fans will be most thankful - but am sure it'll be a muddy night out there on the field.

Henry has been barking at everything that moves lately and with my head pounding I want to put a muzzle on him. He is so darn loud for someone so small.

I've been perusing the decorating blogs today - do you ever feel guilty when you sign up for a chance to win something and it's not your favorite thing? I do. I still sign up - a chance to win, is a chance to win - but I have my absolute favorites I go to first then search out the others after I read those. There are so many amazing women out there who do things themselves, craft new items beyond belief, redo their own homes, saw everything in site, paint like there is no end to the day, etc. I LOVE IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If my worst trait was not that of being a procrastinator I'd be doing it all also. Maybe that should be my new goal to work on - quit PROCRASTINATING!!! It's a waste of time - literally.

Hope this finds you well in your part of the world.

Til next time.
Kris

I'm an aunt again!

Reese Kelly was born last night at 9:30 p.m. after making her poor mother suffer for 31 hours. Born c-section after all that drama. But everyone is doing well and she's a beauty. Hard to believe my baby brother has become a first time dad. Life is pretty amazing sometimes, isn't it? Giving birth is such a miracle - it's one of the things I would love to do - be there for a live birth. I know it's weird, but I've watched so many Baby Stories on TLC that I just want to do it. Why won't anyone let me ??? lol

So I've got 3 beautiful nieces 13, 7 and newborn (Jade, Isabelle and Reese) and 3 handsome nephews 15, 10 and 3 (Ian, Steven and Cameron) and my beautiful boy will be 23 soon - 2 months younger then my sister in law who just had the baby. Aunt Lindsey - I always get a kick out of that. These things happen when you are 16 years older then your youngest brother. ha!

Cold, rainy and dreary out today. I'm sitting here wrapped up in a blanket trying not to fall asleep because I'm so cozy. Cannot believe the first day of fall is tomorrow.

Fall, new family members and reliving the death of my beloved cousin Heidi always gets me wanting to move to be closer to family. I love where I am - but I want to see the kids grow up and be part of their lives - not the aunt they see once or twice a year, you know? And if I had been in Iowa I could have done so much to help my aunt Penny out when Heidi was so sick. Taken some of the pressure off her any way. What an amazing mom she was - Heidi was so lucky. Wow - I really do miss her. My most favorite cousin out of over 100 - big family. Catholic of course. lol

Take care. Til next time.
Kris

Sunday

I just want to say that I officially am not feeling depressed right now. The meds are doing their job and although I feel tired, I am not crying, I'm making it to work, I am not isolating myself, etc. I partly feel like I've developed ADD - because TV drives me crazy and I've always been the person who knows what time it is by what is on the tube.......horrible, I know. But now I read about 4 pages, get up do something else, try to read again, can't, look for something else to do, that's why I'm tired. I am restless.

My collage is done, the baby stuff is wrapped and will get mailed out tomorrow, my sister in law is apparently in labor and trying to have my niece right now (Reese Marie Kelly), Patrick and I met for lunch after I had already worked 4 hours this morning by 11:00 - I went to work in the dark. What's wrong with me? AND I'm all caught up except for filing which I will put last on the list until I have nothing to do ever again. Filing is for the birds and I hate it. Clear enough? ha

Took Henry outside today and all he did was go to different parts of the yard and stand there. No playing, no frolicking in the wind - just stood there. And then I got a phone call and what is the next thing he does? Proceeds to eat a dead worm. I almost threw up. AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. Now I'll totally be more disgusted when he licks me then before. Just gross.

I just read Jill's note over at Forever Cottage and she said she started blogging because she was new in Minnesota and wanted to find friends. Everyone blogs for different reason's don't they? I love that only NV has discovered me or felt up to following me. What is there to follow anyway? I just like to write and with my new ADD it gives me something to do. Poor people that see this.

NV - where is the Chris Botti update anyway? I'm DYING to know how you and the mother did the other night.

Keeping my friend Norma, my sister in law Lindsey, my baby brother Dana and my friends nephew Sam in my prayers.

Hope your day was good. Til next time.

Kris

Gorgeous Saturday here in SD

It was so beautiful out today - 75, sunny, light breeze - perfect weather a few days before fall officially begins. Love it!

Slept like a rock last night which isn't unusual with how tired I was on Friday. Could not keep my eyes open at work - it was horrible. Had my therapy session as well and that went well - we are going to skip a couple of weeks now and see how things go. I've been seeing Kris for almost a year now and along with the meds can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah!!!!

My day was a good one today - up early, met the girls for breakfast club and chatted and caught up with everyone until about 11:30, went to the consignment shop and found myself a cool red pot that looks perfect in the living room and a couple of work shirts that are much needed. Next I came home and finished my collage I've been working on and it looks pretty cool - got it hung up over my bed also. Went out to Lowe's searching for plate hangers and they don't carry them. That place has every other thing under the sun - no plate hangers. So that meant I had to go to the much dreaded Wal-Mart on a Saturday no less and that always sucks. But I got what I needed and came home unscathed. I did find the perfect small lamp for the living room as well as remembered to pick up pillow stuffing for the cool placemat I found the other day. Made another pillow in about 5 minutes. Love that idea whomever came up with it. Awesome AND cheap. Henry and I took a little nap, had some dinner and now I'm going to watch some HGTV or Food Network.

Am going in to work for 4 hours tomorrow to make up for some of Thursday's time off, then I have a lunch date with my son. That should be fun. We are going to clean out his "old" car tomorrow - lord knows what we'll find in there. Almost afraid to know. And then hopefully I will get my kitchen finished and all cleaned up, get some laundry done and coerce Patrick in to cutting some weeds down that have sprung up. My lawn boy will be here Wednesday for what will hopefully be the last mowing of the year.

Til next time.
Kris

Testing done for now

Wow - what a day I had. Go, go, go from 6:15 this morning until 2:23 this afternoon - nothing but driving, appointments, taking clothes on and off, tests, xrays, MRI, and doctors. By the time I was done with getting my port flushed and having to be stuck twice I was literally shuffling my feet I was that tired. I even slept last night which was awesome.

My med manager said that I am doing really well - I could be the poster child for what happens when the right meds are put together. That's a huge compliment considering how long it took to get me there. So I go back in 10 weeks and we may do some adjusting for the winter season as most people get out of whack during those months because of where we live (SD) and just because there is so much darkness during the winter. Left there feeling good about the appointment.

Stopped by TJ Maxx to see if there were any new incredible things to buy that I just had to have. Well of course. I bought 2 really cool plates that will look nice in my bedroom and they look old and faded and gorgeous. $2.00 each. Also found a cute sweater - so when it turns cold, I'll be prepared. ha!

Back to Brookings I went. Saw my family doctor about my pelvic pain. Did an xray and she decided it's more of pubic bone pain and that it might be wise to have a cortisone shot to see if it'll take the edge off. I told her I'd think about it - the thought of a needle "there" doesn't make me feel very good. I'm going to do some research though and get b ack to her.

Next was the brain MRI - wow. Never had one done before - cannot, for the life of me, imagine how scary it must be for kids in that thing. I held on for dear life to the little "call button" they give you just in case. Not as bad as I thought it'd be - but still, glad it's over with.

Went back to the clinic for a port flushing and poor Nila, who was swamped today, put the needle in a spot that just wasn't going to work - plus it hurt - so we had to take it out and start all over again. Of course!! 2nd try worked and I was free to go.

Didn't go back to work - went home and took a nap which was much needed. I am already exhausted and want to go to bed and it's 8:33 p.m. = must be my age! lol

Won't have results until next week I guess so I'll let you know when I do.

Met my BFF tonight for dinner and we got to play catch up. That was nice.

Til next time -

Kris

September 16th

I am going to be the whiny bitch today. OMG! I am so frickin' tired and run down I can hardly stand it - and yet tomorrow I have 2 doctor appointments in two different towns and a MRI at 1:00. I told my boss I'd try to come in - but I know I won't go. I am ready to drop and it's 8:44 - just got back from Wally World and picking up more meds. Will it never end????

Enough of that. Whew, I feel better just getting it off my chest.

We bought my son a different car today - and he was thrilled. He's paying his part of the payment - we put both our cars on to the same loan - but he needed something safer and his old Taurus just wasn't cutting it any longer. Our town is too small for any type of real public transit - so if you don't have decent wheels you are SOL.

I was wondering if the MRI tech would consider letting me act as if I am at work where the confusion is at it's worst then pop me in the machine and let see if it shows anything different. Wouldn't that be a hoot? Patrick didn't think it would fly - but you never know. It'll probably be negative (which is good yes) but I don't want another round of tests, meds, etc to find out that it's just unknown why I am like I am now. Chemo and neurontin - that's my aunt's theory. We'll see who is right.

Did you watch Biggest Loser last night? I guess I swore last season when that wench Helen won it that I'd never watch again. But I forgot. lol And now I'm hooked again. ha

I'm almost finished with the collage I am working on for my room and as a treat to myself I ordered another canvas from Kelly Rae Roberts' collection to go in my room as well. LOVE HER!!! See? Some things aren't so bad.

Well I've got to check out some of my decorating blogs and see what people are up too - I stopped at Michael's tonight in SF and picked up a couple of "inspiration" things I'm going to work on next. Should be interesting any way.

Inspired and tired....

can you be these things at the same time? I just got done reading all the latest on my blog sites I love - and now I want to start moving stuff around again, painting what doesn't need painting and just "re-making" stuff. I saw some beautiful candles, beads, and hurricane lamps that just scream FALL and now I need them. I read the blogs for entertainment and inspiration - but they just may be the death of me yet. ha

I left work early today and came home and just crashed for a few hours. I was typing and all of the sudden just felt so sick to my stomach and dizzy - knew it was from overdoing the past two weeks. I wish I could be truthful and say it was from actually "doing" something - but overdoing for me, who hasn't overdone in a long time, is a lot of time traveling in the car for hours at a time, many doctor appointments, the stress of those, and trying to deal with daily life itself. Not to mention the fact that my sister and brother in law are involved in an ugly divorce and I'm not talking to my sister. She hurt me in a way I didn't know possible - but I'll work on the forgiveness because I miss her and our talks - but I know myself and it'll be a while til that comes. I'm too damn stubborn for my own good.

Til next stay - stay well.
Kris

Made it through the day

today! God I'm so glad it's over. My head hurts and I'm exhausted and want to eat the wood off the furniture because I am that stressed and when I am stressed I want to eat. Need I say more?

I had a good visit (is the doctor ever good?)with the neurologist Dr. Lisa Viola. She seemed very educated - another plus - and she DID NOT make me feel as if I was there for no reason. She did a series of tests with me and then stated that it could be a variety of issues but we did some VER test that showed me a lot of black and white squares that moved constantly with a little red square in the middle. Something about the optic nerve. I had electrodes on my head and then an eye patch over each eye as you did each side twice. That's what gave me the headache. Can't believe it hasn't gone away yet. Then she ordered and MRI of the brain for Thursday and in a few weeks I will be going to see a Dr. Sweatman for a neuropsych cognitive testing consult. Same office - different specialty of neurology. So I'll be all doctored out by the end of October - and will be hoping for good results. You always pray for them to tell you it's nothing but on the other hand - what is causing all this confusion, vision changes and memory loss? You know?

Patrick went with me, my sweet boy, and I wondered if he was having flashbacks to when he'd accompany me to all my oncology visits and sit there and ask questions, and watch me closely as they poked and prodded their way around my body. Way too much for a 20 year old boy - I don't care what people say.

Other then that - I will have to talk to my mom and aunt in a few minutes about the test results. Have resolved to stay off the phone for any reason until after 9:05 or wait til the weekend - I ran over on my minutes for the 2nd time ever last month and my bill was a whopping $136!!! I about passed out. So if you don't have Verizon - don't call me or think I'll be calling you. lol

Tuesday already tomorrow - feel as if the days are just rushing by. Hope all is well.

Til next time.

Sunday

How does time fly by so fast and I'm not having that much fun? Seriously!!! I went to work on Friday and struggled all day just getting through. From being tired beyond belief to not being able to concentrate well enough to get much accomplished I don't know which was worse. I was in bed by 8:30 on Friday and slept until 5:30 Saturday - got up for a while and worked on my collage I'm making and then it was nap time for a couple of hours.

Sandy and I went to Watertown and did a little shopping and then came back and watched Julie and Julia - which I loved by the way. The book and the movie were about the same and I love, love, love Meryl Streep. She was a hoot.

Had to call the cops last night because the college boys next door just would not give up and go to bed last night. 2:30 a.m. and they decide to start using their keg and garbage can as drums. That was it for me. Made the call and by 3 I think the police had been there and all was quiet. I live in a college town, in the area where kids rent, so I try to give a lot of leeway - I mean, I have a 22 year old for God sake, I know what they do - but enough is enough some times. I had hit my limit, that's for sure.

Up early again today and went in to work for 4 hours to make up the four hours I'll miss tomorrow when I go to the doctor's for my neurology appointment. Am not feeling really anxious right now - but we'll see how that is tomorrow afternoon when we are driving that way.

How do you deal with a loved one that has gotten her life in to total disrepair and then proceeds to lie about it over and over again as if everything is fine? My sister tells my parents one thing, me another and her estranged husband something entirely different. Doesn't it get old and wearing trying to remember what lies you told to whom on which day? I'm losing it and I'm not even the person who is trying to do it.

My eyes feel as if they want to close so I'd best sign off. A big thanks to NV for her continued pep rallies for me - they bring a smile to my face. Til next time.

Kris

I'm back

from my little trips. Iowa was so much fun once we got there - Patrick and I were arguing within 2 blocks of the house because he didn't want Henry "touching" him. For God Sakes child - it's a dog and you are going to be 23!!!!!! I stopped the car and told him to get out for old time sake. Once that was over we were all fine - I even let him drive the last 3 hours of the trip because it was dark out and I didn't even have a panic attack. ha!

So Iowa, as I said, was very nice. The kids loved having us there watching them race, I got way too much sun and am paying for it today with a nice peeling face (yuck!), my aunt Becky came down to watch also and I haven't seen her in forever so we traded fibromyalgia stories (she has to use a cane to walk), we had great food all weekend, sat and laughed with my sister in law, loved on my nieces and nephews - which usually means I gave them money for things their parents refused. And my son got to go out with his Uncle to the infamous Clipper - a hole in the wall dive that he has heard about since he was a little boy. He, Wade, and Darrell went out for a couple of drinks and Patrick came home feeling no pain. Oh the joys of alcohol when you are young.

I've been away at a business trip the past two days and it was the most boring drive EVER out there and back. I hate driving!! And next week I have to drive to Sioux Falls twice for doctor appointments - on separate days of course because nobody can accomadate you these days and save gas, time, etc. I am so looking forward to the neurology appointment - I'm sure you are bored hearing that. My son will accompany me in case there would be bad news - although he did ask tonight if I'll know anything for sure Monday or are they just running tests. I don't know - I've never met her, you know?

Have been sleeping like a rock lately and really think my triple threat of meds has started to even out my depression. Hallelujah! So combine that with my therapy sessions and hopefully getting no bad news next week and I will almost feel like a new person. It's been a LONG TIME since I've heard the real me coming out of my mouth - that's weird, right? But it's true.

Am looking forward to the weekend and the promise of cool weather. My BF and I are going to do a little shopping. My newest niece should be making her appearance in the world in the next couple of weeks and I've not bought a thing yet. That's horrible. I need to get with the program.

I hope this finds you well. Til next time.

Can you say "repeat after me"

I just read my entry and lo and behold it looks pretty much like the last one. See why I am going to the neurologist? Something is wrong. I can't remember a damn thing one day to the next. One hour to the next. One minute to the next some days. FRUSTRATING!!!

Sorry for all the repeated stuff - til next time.

Made It Through Thursday....

I honestly think things just might be progressing in the right direction these days - although that is a super scary thing to say out loud, let me tell you. My therapist had a late cancellation yesterday so I went in at 5 and wondered what we were going to talk about and we ended up talking about God, prayer, forgiveness and grief. This month is the 3rd anniversary of losing my beloved cousin Heidi to Multiple Myeloma at the tender age of 42 and I've never had time to grieve her untimely death. So working through my grief and really getting to the core of that will be the next big challenge now that the meds seem (fingers crossed, hoping with all hope)to be putting me at that much needed plateau. I am even going to try massage therapy to get at where the grief is locked. That'll prove to be interesting.

So I stayed home yesterday and rested, did my therapy, picked up my pills and all was much better today. I am almost caught up at work, my boss was ok with my missing work as long as it was for Mental Health issues again - I think I scare him. ha! We are heading to Iowa tomorrow for the long weekend to spend time with family, I have staff training 2 days next week out of town and the following week will be all about doctor appointments. Lovely.

I didn't get any projects done today except for getting the oil changed. Forgot to get gas and the car washed - imagine that, me forgetting something. Guess I'll try to do that early in the day so I'll just load the car up at noon and we can be on the road right around 5. Am loathing the trip - but looking forward to hanging out with the kids. Patrick loves being with my brother - and it's always fun to watch them together. Wade might act like a big jerk - but he's a big ole pile of mush inside. Kind of like me - not the jerk part, but I try to act strong and as if I don't need any one.Lies. All lies.

They are predicting gorgeous weather this weekend and no chance of rain. I am so looking forward to that as well. Have a safe weekend everyone and if you are traveling - safe travels to you as well. Til next time.

I was right

I woke up this morning with a horrible headache, coughing and my upper back hurting. And dead tired.

I need to say that this is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. Please go to the National Ovarian Cancer Alliance to read up on the symptoms of this "silent killer". It is a hard cancer to detect - you don't find it at your pap unless the gynecologist feels the tumors. The CA 125 test isn't a good blood test to have unless you already know you have cancer and they use it as your marker. There are too many false positives. The symptoms that you read about are normal things that most women have at some point in their lives - the thing to remember is that if these symptoms are NEW to you and last 3 weeks or more, then you need to run, not walk, in to your physician and asked to be screened. Demand it. 22,000 women are diagnosed each year and 15,000 die. Those are horrific statistics. Let's stop my beautiful friends from getting their angel wings this year from this horrible disease. Early detection is the only way to have a chance to beat this thing.

Well I am going to take a nap. Am exhausted. Til next time!

Tuesday and starting on the downward spiral......

...I've worked the last 8 days in a row. A new record since I started with this severe depression mode. Yesterday it was like I was on speed - I couldn't get things done fast enough, then I came home after 8 1/2 hours at work and recovered a footstool, spray painted a lamp and recovered the lamp shade. Then I couldn't sleep. So today I'm absolutely exhausted and afraid to lay down for fear of no rest again.

I do feel as if the medicine must be starting to take hold - it's been 5 weeks - but it's still right there at the surface. I can feel it like a ticking bomb..........you know when you can feel all the emotions right there but can't get them out? I think the revved up energy is just a way to shut out the thing I'm supposed to be working on and that is me, myself and I.

We are heading home this weekend to Iowa so that'll be a real test. Haven't been there in over a year I think. 3 days with my family - my brother and his wife and kids - the dog is coming with us, my son is also coming along. He wants to see "his people" as he puts it. At least I won't have to make the 5+ hour drive alone.

Next week I have to be out of town for 2 days for training and the following week I have the neurology appointment and the med management appointment. Of course on 2 separate days and in SF so I can drive 104 miles round trip each time. Why don't doctors assist more with coordinating of times?

I am so tired...........gotta get some sleep. Til next time.

Great weather weekend

Wow - who can believe it's August in SD when it's in the 60's and the sun is shining and no clouds. I would never believe it. I made it to work today to finish up some of the things still sitting on my desk. I will go in tomorrow morning early to get it all finished up and start another month once again.

What is up with men and going to the doctor? My good friend Jerry started feeling sick on Friday. He went to the doctor and saw one of the people I would never let touch me who then prescribed a Z-Pack for him. I talked to him yesterday and I didn't even know it was him - you can just hear the rattle in his chest. Today he couldn't talk without getting short of breath. I kept saying he needed to go to the ER - nope. The 2nd time I called today he was sure he couldn't work tomorrow so I told him I'm calling Dr. H - he said how? I have my ways...........so I called his wife, my friend, and told her what was going on and Dr. H, bless his heart, made a house call to Jerry. Jerry called and thanked me over and over. He just didn't have the energy to even leave the house I think and instead of just saying that he was just plain stubborn. They drive me crazy.

I and 4 other girls went and saw the movie Time Travelers Wife today - it was really a nice movie - the book is better - but still the movie was believable and I love when they can make that happen. The weird thing is that I did not cry. Not even a single tear. My emotions are so backwards any more - I can cry just saying somebody's name or sob for no reason and then I watch something wonderful and moving and I've got nothing. Isn't that just crazy??? I cannot wait until 9-14-09 - neurology here I come.

One Week of Work

I actually made it to work every day this week. This is the first time in a long time - can't say it makes me happy or overjoyed as the confusion and memory problems I have while there are infuriating. God, I cannot wait to go to the Neurologist on the 14th to see if this is all medicine induced, depression or something physically wrong with me.

Henry is better!!!! The prescription food to bind him up worked and we've got formation now. Who ever thought I'd so concerned about my dogs poop. Not me, that's for sure. My son said wow mom, were you like that with me - and I said yep, every single time. Guess Henry really is like my child now. NV said her dog has had it 3 times - I am going to pray that isn't so with Henry. That was enough to stress me out for a long, long time.

Have been doing a little crafting here in SD - my living room is officially done!! Yippee. My bedroom just needs to get some adjustments and then I'll be working on the picture/collage that I'm making for over my bed and I'll be done with that also. I spray painted a wicker chair today = what a pain in the butt. I'd much rather spray paint anything else I think. Took almost 3 cans to cover a white chair with gloss leather brown color. Looks great with the cushion and pillow I made though. Love the fabric glue - wish I had stock in it.

I live in a small town in SD and today was college move in day - so here came 12,000+ kids, trailers, parents, etc to unload for the next 9 months. Wal-Mart was an absolute freaking zoo today. Shelves were cleared off in like minutes - it really is weird to see. Glad I needed spray paint and that was it. In. Out. Home.

I did talk to two of my favorite people today - Keenie and my aunt Penny. It's Penny's birthday and Keenie calls me daily to be sure I've not completely lost my sanity. Do not know what I would have done without these amazing women in my life. They just love me with no judgment whatsoever - and that is a rare thing.

Til next time...

Tuesday

I love to write - and this makes it feel safe to write what I think without being judged by those loved ones around me who just can't seem to keep their feelings to themselves or to waaahhh to others about what I am doing or saying.

I made it to work yesterday - all day - on a Monday. But to be honest, the reason I made it was because my dog is sick and had been up with him all Sunday night again, called the vet at like 4:30, who told me it was okay to wait until 7:30 to bring him in even though his diarrhea was now pure blood. Freaked me out, freaked Henry (the dog) out too. So, this morning I am home for a couple of hours because he is still having problems, although they are getting better, but we were up every 1 1/2 hours again last night cleaning up messes. He messed, I cleaned. Poor Henry. We both are exhausted.

My battery is about to go here and I need to get ready for work. Til next time.

August 23rd already

What happened to this month? And has summer really even been here? In South Dakota we had hotter days in late May then we have in August when it's usually humid and horrible out. I am loving it. My AC bill should be really low. Yah! I could use the extra money.

Well on the creative side I've been doing well. My living room just needs to get the ottoman recovered - I have everything to complete it, just haven't got it done and then I will spray the wicker chair a chocolate brown and it'll be complete! My dining room needs 3 pictures rehung and new photo's inserted and my bedroom needs to have the stuff rearranged on the dresser and I will then start on the large canvas that I plan to do to hang over my bed. I have everything picked out to go on it but I am trying to really plan it out in my mind before I start laying stuff down - too expensive for just the canvas to screw it up.

As for trying to keep my pains soothed - well that's a whole other matter in and of itself. I've been trying for a little over 4 weeks to get the right meds to regulate the depression that has been knocking me down for the count to no avail. I had a 1:00 therapy appointment on Friday and was crying so hard that I couldn't go back to work. My boss said, I thought therapy was supposed to help? It does - but you go through some rough stuff while it's working. My therapist, Kris, said that she wondered what I thought about asking my psychiatric med manager about seeing whether or not my insurance would pay for inpatient treatment - just to get the meds regulated and the opportunity to work with therapists 24/7 and get the rest I need. I am just exhausted all the time. All of that crap piled on top of worrying about my job security, the confusion that is a minute by minute issue any more and missing work - it's too much for my mind to deal with. The only thing that gives me true pleasure right now is using my creative side - at least I don't feel like a total reject then.

Yesterday was my good friend Patty's husbands 60th birthday - and they had a big shindig. It was really nice to see so many smiling faces. I don't feel as if I contributed much in the way of helping Patty out - but I got a lot out of watching all the young kids run around and play and the older group also partake in volley ball and bean bag games. I just sat and watched and took it all in - then started to really feel nauseated after being in the sun for a little while. After that - I couldn't wait to get home. Just didn't feel right. So off we went (my friend Jerry took me out and back).

I opened the front door and was like, what the hell smells. My poor pooch Henry had been sick while I was gone (which has not ever happened since I got him 1 1/2 years ago). He had stuff come out both ends and was in his kennel just shaking away. Poor guy. I got his kennel cleaned up, him cleaned up, and then the rest of the night was up and down, up and down, and trying to keep him warm, clean, and spot cleaning the carpet, etc. Right now he seems to be doing a wee bit better - at least he has drank twice in the past couple of hours and that has stayed inside so we are making progress.

Today is my beloved Keenie's birthday - she turns 72. She is one of those people that I've adopted in my life and made part of my family. She is one of two women that I wish my mom would sit and talk to and learn from - about what it means to be a mom. I love my mom - but she really just doesn't get it. Or maybe it's me who doesn't get how to be the loving child. Could be. I am a great mom - this I know to be true - but grateful, loving child? Not so much. Spend more time wishing things could be different - but at our ages, I don't thin it will change too much unless my cancer returns. Cause I won't be doing treatment for a 3rd recurrence - not unless then have a cure and can guarantee me it works. I love life - but not enough to suffer like that just to die in the end.

God, this is depressing even me. And that's saying a lot!!lol

by Gail is excellent if you want some really great idea's about things to do with wonderful tutorials. I found her by mistake - but she makes me want to do more and more.

Hope you are having a wonderful weekend. Til next time.

Wonderful & Cool Here....

that much I love. I still can't figure how to add a link, I posted the same post twice the other day while dinking around trying to "learn" something technical, my dog Henry will NOT quit barking at the grass or whatever is in his range of eyesight right now and he's driving me crazy. But it's cool, and there's a gorgeous breeze coming in the windows, and I know I should be DOING SOMETHING constructive but I can hardly keep my eyes open and I cannot go to the bathroom. Yes, I am well aware that that is TMI. But this medicine Abilify is going to kill me. I've convinced myself I must have a bowel obstruction - only I know I'd be in more pain. I did just have surgery in April again to remove the ole gall bladder - could be. I'm just miserable is all I can say.

Hey does anyone know that if you post a comment on someone's site and you aren't technically a decorating blog - do they or can they delete what you had to say? It kind of ticks me off. I gave a very nice comment regarding someone's floor and told how I had accomplished mine and I don't see it. Cripes I probably deleted it myself knowing me.

Tomorrow night I will be making like 120 cupcakes with my friend Patty for her husband's 60th birthday party coming up this weekend. She and I are only 45 so I give her grief about her old man all the time. I tell him also - he tries to act all gruff, but I'm hoping deep down he's a good guy.

Well here is my latest guffaw of the week. I called my therapist yesterday to ask what day my appointment was cause I had one day at 1 and another day at 4 - and I knew I was just going once this week. So the mssg plays, and I say - Hi Kris, this is Kris Gedstad and I need to check on my correct appointment time. Everyone in the office started to crack up. Her name is Kris Gedstad - not mine.

It's 7:56 and I feel as if I could go to bed. Why am I so tired???? Maybe the neurologist will be able to find the reason on the 14th of September when I finally get in to see her. Some days I truly feel as if I've lost my mind. Scary.

Am loving everyone's projects they are doing - I even got my friend Patty to try crafting today - and she did it. She called so proud of herself. Just takes a little time, that's all.

Til next time.

Soothing Pains: Rainy Days and Mondays Always.....

Soothing Pains: Rainy Days and Mondays Always.....

Rainy Days and Mondays Always.....

get me down. God I loved the Carpenters. ha

I felt like I was turning a corner there for a couple of days and then whammo - today it has been hell. Crying, sleeping, whining, making promises to my most beloved friends & my boss that starting tomorrow I promise to them that I will be there at work EVEN if I can't make it in to the shower, come hell or high water I am coming to work every day. There is nothing that I hate worse in the world then feeling as if I've let someone down or disappointed them. It's just not my way. But this is day 5 of the new combination of drugs and I think we may have it right for now. I just really, really, prefer to be at home, by myself - and that is so not me - and I think that is what scares me the most. But you have to forge ahead right? Hell I was NEVER this bad even while going through chemo - the last three years have hit me hard.

NV over at This D*amn House gave me some pointers on how to put someone's site in to my blog so that if someone besides her (lol - love my 1 reader)see's my blog they can link to the others. So I'm going to use her site to see if I can get it to work. Wish me luck.

Til next time.

Go to this blog....

Susan from Peanut Petunia is having a giveaway today - she is giving away the much loved crates that hang in Layla's kitchen over at The Lettered Cottage. Pop on over and sign up - and congratulate her on her 100th post. Also, Sarah at Thrifty Decor Chick Decor has a give away from E.A.D. Designs for some vinyl wall art - it could be your lucky weekend.

I have hopefully had my last drug reaction this past week and may be on the right path now. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so sick of feeling so sick. Now if only my CA 125 hadn't risen I would probably be jumping for joy - at least in my head - bit anyone whose ever had Ovarian Cancer or knows someone who does/did - you know that we live and die by that number. It's terrorizing really. I am hoping by Saturday of next week I will be feeling well - as in my depression in check and no more days off for that. Next comes the testing for my confusion - it just never ends. You'd think I was a much older woman - nope, just 45 with a lot of medical issues. That's why I love the decorating blogs so much - it "takes me away" without having to get in the tub or buy Calgon.

Off to a wedding this afternoon in Sioux Falls - it's raining right now, so I hope the weather improves. But cool weather for the next couple of days so I'm looking forward to that.

Again, if someone reads this and can tell me how to highlight to the links of the other bloggers I'd appreciate. I just can't figure it out.

Have a great weekend!

Til next time.

No Rest For The Wicked

I am supposed to be feeling absolutely exhausted right now because they changed my meds, again, and here it is after 10 and I'm wide awake and think I should go back in my bedroom and finish getting it arranged. I have some idea's of what to do for a headboard type art project - I just hope what comes out matches what I have in my head.

My poor boy is so distracted and upset and worried about this girl he has fallen in love with. He is the nicest young man, would never hurt a fly and he's so worried that when they talk tonight she may say let's cool it for a while. He will be devastated................and we all know that time heals all wounds, etc. but this is his first true love and he just can't believe he's found her and maybe it won't work out no matter how hard they try. I'm just saying some prayers and hoping he found his friend Aly to get some "girl" advice. She is the fiance of his best friend James - but in my heart Aly will always be the girl who got a way (they were 11) because I still call her my daughter in law. She lost her mom to ovarian cancer 6 weeks before I was diagnosed. Isn't that eerie?

I recovered my vanity stool tonight in a silk ice blue material that I also fashioned a bedskirt out of. I think I'm going to use the rest of the fabric and put it in a frame with my initial - that should look pretty. The room is coming together. I'll be happy when it is done.

I told you above that they changed my meds again so - told me just to stop them. Everything I've read on it since says you are to dose down until you get off of them so you don't get side effects. Well this morning I woke up with club like feet, swollen hands & fingers and my back hurt from my head down to my tailbone. Ticked me off to no end. I am so sick of medicine I could literally scream.

Well I should shut the computer down so I can get settled and start to feel tired. It's always something - that's what I should have named my blog. ha

til next time

Tuesday and so much going on....

I made it to work today ALL DAY LONG! This is quite an achievement. This is also my 3rd day on Abilify and I've felt as if I'm so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open one moment longer at any point of the day, and on the other hand I feel like I am just totally hyped up. My friend Nancy, who is also a 2 year ovarian cancer survivor, said she felt as if she'd been on speed while taking the 5 mg dose - but how am I supposed to know how that feels like? I've NOT done speed. I am still waiting for the med management nurse to call me back. I feel as if I'm babbling.

I just got off of Kelly's Korner and her latest blog entry (can someone tell me how to add a link?) and it took my breath away because her friends delivered a baby by emergency c-section today and they believe the baby is brain dead. She was due in two weeks. If that isn't enough to rip your heart out - then the catch in my throat when she said the baby's name made me want to cry. Reese. My baby brother and sister in law are due with their first child, a girl, on September 25th and they are planning to name her Reese Olivia - all you can really do is pray for them. All of them.

No numbers for me today so I am trying desperately to believe no news is good news - either that or they (my nurses) are trying to catch me at a time where they know I won't be at work and have a breakdown if the number is over 35. The magic number for ovarian cancer survivors - we live and breathe by it. Disgusting really. Because you can have low numbers and have many tumors or a big number and not much cancer evident in your body. I don't know how it works - but you always pray for anything under 35 - but mine has been running below 9 since my first chemo in August of 2007 so think good thoughts.

NV - sounds like you are feeling a little better? Antibiotics should have kicked in by now I would guess. Thanks for your comments -

Talk soon.

I love my boy!!!

Whenever my son, who is almost 23 starts to not answer his phone or text me back I KNOW in my heart that things are bothering him. Yesterday at 4:00 I was trying to get him to turn around from where he was going and come back to town so we could talk - I just knew something wasn't right. And today, he stopped by the house, we went to get a bite to eat and he told me he cried the rest of the way on his trip yesterday. He hasn't done that in a long time.

I think he's fallen in love with a girl who feels the same way about him - but she shows her love in a different way because she's been hurt deeply in the past. Hey - this mama knows about that stuff. I lived thru it with his dad. So we had a discussion about that and I think he got some perspective.

What else is wrong buddy? He's worried about me. Now that will break any mom's heart. It's supposed to be the other way around you know? I am working so hard on trying to break this depression I am in. I am afraid every single day that my cancer will rear it's ugly head at the most inopportune time - and unfortunately, he knows that. We have been a team of 2 since he was 3 months old and there is nobody in this world that I love more. We don't keep secrets - that's a rule - but when he starts to pull away I know it's because he doesn't want ME to worry about him because I've got enough going on. NEVER too much when it comes to my boy though.

I so remember being his age (I had him at 22) and all the drama and changes and confusion you go through in your 20's. I tried to tell him for many years that if you think your teens are bad wait til your 20's. It's hard being an adult. Heck, I wish I wasn't one a lot - I'd love for someone else to just take care of it for me - yet I'm too damn independent to let someone else in to help.

I had my blood drawn today to see if my CA 125 has increased since June - should find out tomorrow or Wednesday. I despise waiting. I didn't get to work until noon today - am so tired all of the time, can't sleep, etc, etc, etc. Talked to the nurse who works for my med management nurse practitioner and then didn't hear back about what to do. She called me 3 times and then no answer? That is so weird.

And I only cried twice today - making progress? I hope so. I need to believe it'll all change when it's time.

Time for meds and bed - praying I can get some sleep.

Til later.

The Weirdest Day Yet!

This day has been so crazy - I can hardly keep my eyes open to type yet my mind is going 100 mph trying to wrap what I've learned today into some sort of thing that could be called reality. Why do people do things to hurt one another? Calculated things. You know how lately on the news they've been having all these weird reports of people being killed, things being done, etc and EVERY PERSON who has ever known the people swear up one way and down the other that IT CAN'T BE TRUE. I don't believe it. NEVER in a million year would he or she do that.

Well we are living that in my family right now and I can tell you that although we've had experience before with his a long, long time ago with this person - I would never have believed for even a minute that she'd do it again. And so many lives have been hurt and shook up and altered all because of the actions of one person. It blows my mind sure - but, I know it to be true. It truly hurts my heart. I thought we had come to a place in our lives, in our 40's, where this type of stuff wouldn't still be happening. It's crazy. I'm feeling crazy because of it.

I am so exhausted. I need to go to bed. A lot of crying has been going on today, and it wears you out. I only had one project completed today - the bedskirt that I couldn't find yesterday? Well I found a beautiful ice blue silk curtain panel and cut that up and stapled it to the box spring - but I'm pretty sure it's still going to need to be glued down - but it does look beautiful with the chocolate brown coverlet I bought. Can't wait for it to be done.

Thanks for letting me vent. Til next time.

I Am So Jealous....

of all of you who find these ridiculously great buys at garage sales - especially those of you in the South! A Kate Spade bag for $1??? Come on! Here in SD they would put $50 on it and then say they can't come down because "do you know how much a KS bag is worth?" Why yes I do.....that's why I am at your garage/tag sale today. Wow!!!

And if you haven't been to Sarah's Art House yet - go right now. Her house is so cool - she is just a great artist in every sense of the word. There are so many things I would like to borrow from her - and then keep them because I have chemo brain still. Love it!!

And I'm redoing my bedroom in chocolate brown and a ocean blue color and I remembered a post from Sarah at Thrifty Decor Chick about how she used place mats to make pillows that needed to be replaced at her house. Place mats people! Even at Wally World a pillow is like $15.00 - that is highway robbery. So Wal-Mart had a "travel pillow" today that was like $3.00 and I bought a cool chocolate brown striped place mat - opened it up carefully, put the little pillow in and fabric glued the end shut. Voila! Am definitely going to be watching out for more place mats. I think she said she got the idea from Boomer Power? Well whomever thought of it - what a great idea.

So today was day 6 on Abilify. I was wide awake again at 12:30 this morning, still, so I decided in order for me to get some sleep I am going to have to take an Ativan. And sure enough I slept 5 hours straight, got up to use the loo, and went back to sleep and slept until 10. I actually felt chipper today - which is saying a lot for a person who has been so depressed that she's not been able to work some days out of the week.

I do have to go in Monday and get some blood drawn as I've been having some pain in my groin area. I'm an ovarian cancer survivor - not once have I ever heard that this could mean something. But I went into my support site for the American Cancer Society and put in groin pain and up pops the subject a few times - including one woman who is currently have a recurrence. So I called my oncology nurse yesterday and she talked to my doctor and they thought I should get my CA 125 drawn to be sure it's still normal. I don't go back to the doctor until October so I'd rather be safe then sorry. I'm just going to pray it's fine - and go on as usual and work on the depression aspect of my life right now. If the cancer is back - we'll deal with it then. It doesn't even freak me out because I am about 99.9% positive that I'll do treatment one more time and that's it. I love my life, my child, my friends & family - but I cannot do the chemo over and over like some of these brave women continue to do. I don't want to be a 7 year cancer survivor and never have been off chemo for more then a few months. I want to "LIVE" and not be kept alive by poison. And pain. And nauseated. And infections. And special mouth washes. And pain pills. And exhausted. And shakey. And bald.

I won't do it.

Sandy and Patrick know this -

I hope they remember how stubborn I am. lol

NV at This D*mn House must really be feeling poorly - no new posts today and that girl likes to write. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Til next time.

TGIF

First to NV over at This D*mn House - I hope you are feeling better. Rest!!! You deserve it.

So I just read my last blog that was random as hell and I see I wanted to write about Kelly Rae Roberts. Have you read her blog? Been to her Etsy site? She is amazing with a capital A. When I first started looking at the decorating blogs - I was always drawn to certain ones by their names, by what their post was that day, how their blog looked, and if they had anything that touched my heart when I read it.

I remember reading Kelly's blog and she is just a beautiful person - you can tell that by the way she writes. She believes so deeply in so many things. And she is an amazing artist. When I saw her work I wanted to buy one of everything. I'm not kidding. Her sister is an artist too - and she had the most beautiful angel made out of an old, cracked hand mirror. I could have swooned.

About 2 weeks after I had started figuring this whole blog world thing out, I went to one of our local gift shops because I had money to spend for my birthday. I am one of those people who like to look at everything - but knows exactly what I will and will not buy. If I love it - I pick it up and it goes homes. So at this shop I went through the whole store and find myself almost back to the entrance with nothing in my hands to buy and I looked up and saw the most beautiful Angel hanging there - she's done in reds and yellows and greens and her face is serene and the words on her dress say "wear yellow shows" "live as if this is your last day" "think positive" - and I took her off the wall and went and paid. When I got home I was reading the back about the artist and lo and behold who is it done by? Kelly Rae Roberts from her first collection for Demdaco. It was fate.

More then that, being a cancer survivor the words mean something to me. I have her hanging on the wall across from where I sit every day and I look at her all the time - and I go to the Etsy shop and daydream, and I love angels in general - and she's perfect.

My house is old, it's funky, each room has a different vibe and I like it that way. But most of all I love how there are so many wonderful women (and men) who are posting away about their lives, showing their strong selves to the world, trying to make a difference, and all in the name of their passion for design, art, their families, and all else they believe in.

We have come a long way baby.

The Winner Is....

So You Think You Can Dance is officially over for the season and Jeannine won. I thought it would be Brandon - whom I've loved from the beginning. Oh well - I just love watching those kids do their things and go for their dreams. What a joy.

I made it to work again today - yeah! But not without a lot of self talk. I was not feeling well this morning and would have rather stayed home and stared at the walls. But I made it. Had my counseling session today also and Kris (same spelling and all!) said when she gets really pissed off she writes letters to people that are truthful instead of fake and full of "oh I'm so happy" kind of things - but she doesn't send them. I told her I was blogging/journaling and it seems to be helping somewhat. I thought it was funny though when she said she likes to write Easter letters that say Happy F****** Easter to you. I'm not trying to offend anyone - really - but when you are as depressed as I am, any kind of smile, giggle, or acknowledgment that something amuses me is a good thing.

I didn't get much time to read a lot of my favorite blogs tonight - but NV I do believe Astroturf may be the way to go. Maybe you can find some on Craigslist. haha! When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer my friends husbands would fight over who was mowing for me that particular week. Before that, not one of them offered - but my teenage lawn boy does a good job. He even wears eye protection when weed eating - I love that!!

I am thrilled to hear that Judge Sotomayor was confirmed for the Supreme Court today - way to go. I love women that are strong, opinionated, caring, gracious and always try to do the right thing. I believe that's why I have such a strong support group here in my little town - we have some amazing women around here.

Well this is the most confusing blog ever I'd say - you'd think I had schizophrenia (I don't, I swear). Just random thoughts flooding my mind. No wonder I can never sleep -

TGIF tomorrow - 8 hours and home for 2 days by myself. I may even get some projects done.

Remind me to talk about Kelly Rae Roberts tomorrow - she's amazing.