Where is Fall?

It snowed again last night - second time already for us here in South Dakota. I am so hating it. It's dreary outside, little sun, wet white stuff hanging on everything, and the trees had just started to change. It's all I can do to keep myself cheerful and not fall back into a funk. Guess I'm glad to have medicine right now.

Just got back on Facebook - haven't been on since end of July - felt like it was the same thing over and over. I do like the fact that you can "chat" with those you wish too - but most people I have on the list asked to add me and now vice versa. God that sounds horrible! Anyway, today I found a bunch of people from my high school that I've been wondering where they are and they've appeared on Facebook now. All people that meant something to me so long ago. That's the cool part of the technology - but otherwise if someone is supposed to be in my life, they already are. Does that sound selfish?

Have decided I'm going to see if I can let my hair grow out for a while. After it came back in after chemotherapy - I didn't get curls or dark hair - mine came back in pure white and straighter then it was before if that's possible. Have been wearing it short for over 1 1/2 years now and I'm just ready for a change. If I can get past the growing out over the cowlicks I'll be pleased.

Today is a holiday for me so another day off. I sit here on the computer feeling GUILTY because I have so much to do for getting ready to host my book club next weekend and this weekend I haven't done a darn thing to even start. Why do I procrastinate so much? Always have. Does that mean I always will? God............I'd love to change that. I am, unfortunately, one of those people who if she gets something in her head - like decorating my living room or bedroom - I just do it and keep adding and layering and moving things around until it's perfect. But tell me something is happening in a week and I lolly gag around like I've got it all under control. It's an ugly habit for sure.

So back to work tomorrow for me - nice 4 day week, no Court as it's a holiday today so everything gets moved around, and I'll be able to play catch up this week which is perfect.

Til next time.

Kris

This D@mn House

NV at thisdmnhouse.blogspot.com wrote a post about domestic violence yesterday that really hit home to me and I had to comment.

You see I lived that life - twice. Two entirely different men in all ways but one - they both were mean. One hit, one didn't. One used manipulation, one didn't. Both used words that cut to the bone though and I'm sure you've heard about the women who say that at least if you can "see" the bruises you might believe what is going on behind closed doors - but the words are the worst. They take your soul, your esteem, your truth away from you. It took me years before I was able to look in the mirror and say I like who I am. I'm okay. I'm worth fighting for.

My first husband I hardly knew - we married young and after 6 weeks. He had hit me before we got married - but because I grew up trying to please a father who never could be pleased - I was sure if I loved this man enough, he'd stop and be everything I knew he could be. But he didn't. He couldn't. He grew up in a very abusive home himself and couldn't not get it that even though he wasn't beating me to within an each of my life - he was beating my very being out of me with the slaps, the pinching, the tearing of clothes, the going through my mail, the demanding to know where I was at all times, to hating my friends, to not allowing me to read, to not having a phone, to going as so far as to ask me who the father was of our child when I found out I was pregnant. I KNEW what was going on in my house was wrong - but I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship until someone had the guts to contact our family pediatrician and tell him their suspicions. I knew how to lie really well by then you see. So when my beautiful boy was 3 months old we went to his normal appointment and the doctor straight asked me if I was being abused. I denied it. Then I bawled. Then I said he never goes near the baby. See? All that in a short period of time. I was so shocked to hear the word abused I just babbled and lied and cried and denied all at the same time. But I rode the train home that day thinking the whole time that there was someone out there who cared more about me then I cared about myself. I left two weeks later. That didn't break the cycle because I still loved him - but it did get me away from him and on my own back near my family. And yes, it took years and a lot of therapy to get myself together again. I didn't know where I had gone. I didn't trust. I couldn't forgive. I couldn't love anyone but my son.

10 years later when my second husband hurt our cat on it's first weekend in our home everything kind of came in to place at that one moment. I didn't wait - not one single moment. I packed a bag, explained to Patrick that mom was afraid and we were going to stay somewhere for a while and left him standing there like what the hell just happened. All the things that had been going on became clear when he hurt that animal. How was I to know I wouldn't be next? I did try with him though - I did. I was a different person, I went to counseling while in the relationship, I was strong, I spoke my mind - but in the end he called me a bitch in front of my child as we were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner in 1996 and that was the end of him. We lived as roommates until I could find an apartment to move to and we left. I never regretted it - this time I left with my dignity intact but full of anger that I let this happen again.

I'm not a dumb woman. People think I'm fairly intelligent - but still a lot of people don't know my background. Only those close enough to me that I feel I can share with them my story. I've not dated in many years. Can't make myself even try because I'm a bad picker of mates. But I am a wonderful friend, a great mother, a daughter who tries to do the right thing, a sibling who loves her brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews and I am free to do as I please. I've been able to purchase my own home by myself, raise a beautiful son on my own, I have an excellent credit rating and I pride myself that I am self-sufficient. It can be done. You just have to believe that you are worth it.

I believe you are worth it.

Kris

October 9th

and they are talking snow for us tonight! Can you believe that? Supposedly our average high is 65 degrees and we've been lucky to get to the mid 40's lately - cold! Crappy snow! It's just plain depressing. I'm not ready for this.

Am feeling better today and accomplished a lot at work today. That makes me feel good. No big plans for the weekend as our trip to Omaha fell through. My friend Shawna is having a girls get together tomorrow night at the Barn - it's a hunting lodge that she and her husband made from their old barn and it is gorgeous with a capital G. The granite pieces in it, by themselves, are amazing. Should be fun. I'm thankful for a 3 day weekend as well - one benefit of working for the State. Fall and winter have a lot of holidays! Love that.

Henry keeps barking and I don't know what he's barking at. It's starting to irritate me. I haven't heard a thing of course. lol

Til next time.
Kris

Fear

Late this afternoon after dozing for an hour or so, I woke up and just sat and really listened to my thoughts and I realized why I wasn't feel well. FEAR. Again. Rearing it's ugly head in my life and blowing things out of proportion. Do you ever have this? Tomorrow is my therapy appointment and we are going to be discussing this massage therapy thing that we are trying so I can find where my grief is buried in my body and hopefully get it released. When I start talking of my grief I tend to start crying uncontrollably and then I stop it just like that. I can't let it go. I just can't. I'm afraid what will happen if I just let it all go - but I don't know why. And even though my side does hurt and I am wondering out loud if I can do the massage on Monday - my friend Patty said, of course you are going - I realize it is fear that makes me question if I can do it. What IF she really does find the grief spot and I can't quit crying? What if I become depressed again? It's all of the what if's that are killing me these past few months. I suppose that in 20 days I have my follow up appointment at the oncologist doesn't help either. What if my CA 125 is up? What if they find something? I'm not ready for another battle yet - I'm still trying to resolve the first round and almost lost my mind in the process. It's a horrible thing, this thing called fear. I hate it. And it makes me hate other things I normally enjoy - like work. like therapy. like book group. like going out with friends. like blogging. What will people think if they know I am afraid? Who cares what they think? What do I think? I think I'm whacked out of my mind some days and to be afraid all the time sucks. But I'm so much better and I deserve so much more then I let myself feel or accept.

The fear/grief/anger is sitting right there to be plucked out - and then what? Maybe what I'm really afraid of is living.

Let there be light!

Today the sun is shining!!!!! Did you hear me? The SUN IS SHINING! It's been so long it's hard to remember the last time it was out for an extended period of time. Wow. I love it.

The bad thing is that I'm home sick - have been coughing like crazy, and just feel like crap. But I get to LOOK at the sun and that makes me feel better.

I had to go to the chiropractor again on Monday. After my massage and chiropractor appointment last week I found myself in a lot of pain on Sunday night for no apparent reason. Had a hard time sleeping Sunday night because my right hip was just aching. So I hauled my rear back in on Monday and he tells me my left knee has something called "movie knee" which of course has a long, medical name. Well I did go to two movies this weekend so maybe? My right hip - who knows why it feels out again. Actually, when I go to the chiro after not going for a long time it seems they fix something and then I realize something else hurts even worse. It's a conspiracy. Anyway, after working on my hip, he was feeling up my spine (NOT LIKE THAT)and decides something is out on the upper part of my back and I swear to god he did his thing and I came up off that table like I was on fire. The pain in my right breast/rib area was so intense I thought he may have cracked a rib. 2 days later I still can't lay on my stomach like I want to because it hurts - so not sure what to do about the massage coming up on Monday. Anyone ever have this happen? I haven't and I've been going to the chiropractor for 14 years on and off.

I had to break down and turn the furnace on Monday night because it's just too cold and it had been raining for days so you know how that makes you feel achy on top of everything else. So one day of perfect 65 degree weather and back down it's going. They are talking highs in the 30's this next week and low's in the 20 degree range. It's October not January.

Til next time.
Kris

Another dreary day

WHERE IS THE SUN people? I haven't seen it all this week and it's getting me down. I need some sunshine - bright, yellow, burning sunshine - if even for an hour. I am going to pray that tomorrow is sunny - and if it is, I'm going to take Henry outside and for a walk and just bask in it.

Becky at Farm Girl Paints talked about going to Brave Girl Camp in her blog yesterday and she was kind enough to share what that is all about and barring no catastrophes I am going to start saving now and plan on going next spring/summer when they have the camp. It looks amazing, sounds amazing, and it will be a gift to myself for turning 46 and surviving the cancer for almost 3 years. I deserve it!!! I'm so excited.

We went to the craft show - my friend Patty calls them "crap shows" (I don't even know how I got a friend who doesn't like crafty stuff) - and it was fun. Sandy and I looked around, chatted with friends we saw then hooked with Marcene and we ate at the soup & sandwich luncheon. 2 meals - $9.00. How can you beat that??? It was wonderful. As I said, it's still raining, dark and miserable out here in SD and a warm bowl of homemade vegetable beef soup hit the spot. Then we had BBQ's as the sandwich and a choice of many homemade pieces of pie. Awesome lunch!!!

Then we went back to the Humane Society (left without another pet though - but they are all so cute!), and back to Sandy's where we played beauty shop. I know that is weird - but Sandy has worked hard to grow her hair out and she has a wedding next week and we are trying new styles out. It looked beautiful if I do say so myself. Now if I don't have to go to Omaha next weekend I just may go over and do her hair before the wedding. Her husband will be surprised I'm sure.

Once we were done playing my son and I went to see the movie The Informant with Matt Damon. What a hoot. I think it's supposed to be a dramedy - and I hope it was because for such serious material it was funny because the guy just didn't know when to quit lying. Or maybe he just COULDN'T quit. We loved it.

No plans for tomorrow right now - will wait to see what the day brings my way.

Til next time.
Kris

Friday already....

Well I figured out why I was not sleeping and feeling all out of whack again - it was because yesterday was my appointment for the massage therapy session that my therapist thought would be good for me to attend. I've never had a massage before - and this is to help me break through the grief I have pent up and can't seem to let out. I realized when I stepped in that room yesterday that I could have sat in the chair and just started bawling without even getting on the table, let alone having someone I didn't know massage me. That's weird right? Anyway..........I didn't cry because the girl talked INCESSANTLY the whole time about her animals and all of these horse terms that I didn't recognize or know about. But it was fine - it was exactly what I needed her to do - for the first time any way. It took my mind off what was going on and I was able to contain myself. That's not the point of this though - so next time I will be asking to be quiet so I can think of what I've lost and maybe get some kind of break through.

Thanks for Karen Anne for telling me what she does for the horrible cramps that I've been having again. I did drink about 30 ounces of water after I posted and that seemed to help a bit - but I was up during the night several times just crippled with pain. Yesterday I was fine - it just has no rhyme or reason - that is one of the frustrating things. I had a chem panel done not too long ago and my magnesium level is fine - as well as my potassium levels. I had this last year also and it's part of the fibromyalgia - which the massage therapist said she doesn't believe in (great) - but whatever it is, it hurts like hell.

Tomorrow my BFF Sandy and I are going to a couple of craft shows and then to a soup & salad luncheon. They swear the sun may shine tomorrow and be around 50 - I'll take it!

Hope you all have a great weekend - I hope too. Til next time.

Kris